


Complete

by multifandomfics



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, Never Let Me Go AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-07-20 20:26:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 65,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16144874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multifandomfics/pseuds/multifandomfics
Summary: Having had a privileged childhood, Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes never could have guessed what life had in store for them.  They were raised to believe that they were “special” and destined for great things.  The truth behind their “special” upbringing is revealed to be something far more sinister than they ever could have imagined.  Throughout this, they need to realize that no matter what, no one really has enough time.  Never Let Me Go AU.  My contribution to the CapBB2018.





	1. Students at Lehigh Are Special

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ero_Haru (EroHaru)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EroHaru/gifts).



            Lehigh.  All those rumors surrounding the place that Steve had once called home.  He should have known better. He watched Bucky through the glass. He had no clue then that they would have ended up there, maybe they wouldn’t have wasted so much time.  Things had seemed so much simpler back at Lehigh. Steve internally chastised himself, of course things were simpler. They were children.

            Eighteen years prior was when it all began.  The memory of their childhood came back to him as if no time had passed.  He, Bucky, and Connie were ten years old. They were just like most other children, fantasizing about adult life and wondering what the future would hold for them.  If only they’d known.

            It all started when Howard Stark hired a new guardian, Ms. Carter.  She was friendly and kind. She always had a smile on her face, but she was different from the other guardians.  She seemed much less interested in the rules. Steve had thought that was odd. Most of the guardians were sticklers for the rules that Headmaster Stark had set in place.  Not Ms. Carter.

            They were in art class.  Steve mostly stayed with the girls in classes.  He had little in the common with the boys. Steve was the runt of the group, even some of the guardians resented it, and the other boys took notice.  Except for James B.

Still, Steve felt more at ease around the girls, especially Connie.  She had taken him under her wing from the tender age of five. She was Steve’s first friend.  Not one of the girls would dare say or do anything that was less than favorable towards Steve less they face the wrath of Connie.  

            “Are you going to submit anything for the gallery?” Connie asked one day.  They were sitting in the courtyard, like they always did. Steve was sketching circus animals in the sketchbook that he’d acquired from the sale a few months ago.

            Steve shrugged.  “Maybe. I haven’t decided yet.”  Every year, Mr. Jarvis would come to Lehigh and select certain students’ art pieces for his gallery.  Steve had been lucky enough to have several of his pieces chosen throughout the years. Nothing that he’d worked on yet seemed to live up to Steve’s usual standards, though.

            “Well, you should,” Connie said matter of factly.  “I’m hoping some of my poetry will be selected, but if I had the drawing ability that you had, I’d be all over that.”

            “Thanks,” Steve said as he glanced across the courtyard.  He could make out a few of the boys on the other end, near the baseball field.  He was pretty sure that James B. was with them. It was a shame. The other boys were so cruel, Steve wondered why James would bother with them--it wasn’t as if they were even nice to the other boy.

            “What’s wrong?” Connie asked as she looked in the same direction that Steve was looking in.  She was playing with one of her fake porcelain dolls, brushing the hair over and over again.

            Steve shook his head.  “Nothing. It’s just a matter of time, is all.”

            Connie rolled her eyes.  “James is a big boy. If he refuses to learn his lesson then that’s his own fault.  He can’t really be that clueless. It’s not as if Brock and Jack are going to magically become saints.”

            Steve frowned.  He watched as the boys began picking teams for the game.  Steve shook his head, maybe the others wouldn’t be cruel this time.  Steve tried to regain his focus on sketching when he heard Connie tut her tongue.

            Steve looked up to see the other boys walking away from James.  They must not have picked him for either team. Maybe this time James wouldn’t give them the satisfaction and just walk away.  They only did this because they wanted him to react, Steve was sure of it.

            James didn’t seem to realize that.  He started screaming and throwing things, Steve couldn’t quite make out what it was though.  He did this almost all the time. He was just giving the bullies exactly what they wanted.

            Connie shook her head.  “It’s as if this has never happened before.  He really needs to stop giving them the reaction.”

            Steve pursed his lips as he put his sketchbook down.  He stood up and began walking over to James. If it weren’t for Connie, Steve would have been in the same position that James was in on a regular basis.  

            “Steve,” Connie called after him but she didn’t move from her spot.  She just continued brushing her doll’s hair.

            Steve looked away from her and kept walking in James’s direction.  James was still screaming. As Steve got closer, he could hear the other boys laughing.  Steve felt his blood begin to boil--those boys were awful. There was a reason Steve had avoided them since childhood.

            James was storming off the field, still yelling obscenities at them.  Steve glanced around. Luckily, none of the guardians were around, otherwise James probably would have received yet another lecture about controlling his temper.

            Steve broke out into a light jog to try and make it over to him.  James had finally stopped walking and the screaming silenced. Steve could just about make out some harsh sobs leaving the boy’s lips.  Steve reached his hand out to rub his shoulder sympathetically. He’d invite him to come sit with him and Connie. Maybe then James would stop trying to impress the other boys.

            “James--” Steve said as he touched his shoulder.

            Immediately, James slapped him as he spun around.  When he saw it was Steve, his face dropped. “Shit.  Steve--”

            Steve just turned around and walked away.  He wasn’t mad, not really. James clearly just needed some time to cool off.

            “What the hell, James?” Connie yelled as she jogged over to Steve.  

Steve waved her off dismissively.  “I’m fine, Connie. Let’s just get out of here.”

She glared in James’s direction but didn’t say anything.  She looked at Steve and nodded as the two of them went back to gather their things.

            “He is so lucky that none of the guardians were out here,” Connie seethed.  “I don’t understand what his problem is! Lashing out at the one person who’s actually trying to be nice to him! It’s like he’s trying to make things harder for himself.”  
            Steve sighed as he clutched his sketchbook and pencil.  “He didn’t know it was me until after he slapped me.”

            “Well, he shouldn’t go around just punching anyone who comes up to him,” she said indignantly.

            Steve didn’t argue, he just followed Connie back into the school, making sure to tap their ID bracelets against the sensor.  As they walked back to the dorms, Steve saw Ms. Carter watching the children outside from behind her window. Yet, she never said a word.  He had to wonder how long she’d been watching them and if she had seen the incident with James. If she did see it, then why didn’t she intervene?

            Connie must have been thinking the same thing because she approached Ms. Carter.    
“Have you ever been a guardian before?”

            “I’m sorry, darling,” Ms. Carter said with a smile.  “I’m so awful with names.”

            “Connie,” Connie said with a saccharine tone.  “Connie B.”

            “Right, Connie,” She gave a nod.  She turned to Steve, “And you are?”

            “Steven R,” He said, unsure of where this conversation was going.  “Most people just call me Steve.”

            Ms. Carter nodded again.  “To answer your question, Connie, yes.  This is my first time being a guardian. Why do you ask?”

            Connie took a breath and respectfully said, “Lehigh is different.  I don’t know much about the other schools or homes, but Lehigh students are held to a certain standard.  Yelling, screaming, and hitting, are not behaviors that most of the other guardians would consider acceptable.”  She was echoing the same things that they were constantly told by the other guardians.

            “I’m sure that Ms. Carter didn’t see anything, Connie,” Steve said awkwardly.  “C’mon, let it go.”

            “Thank you, Ms. Carter,” Connie said, her smile never wavering.  She turned on her heel and began walking towards the mess hall instead.

            Steve didn’t follow her.  He looked back to Ms. Carter.  “Sorry about her. She’s… protective.”

            Ms. Carter shook her head.  “I have to admit, I was impressed at how you handled it out there.  The boy, the one who had a meltdown. What’s his name?”

            “James B.”

            “He’s lucky to have you as a friend,” she said as she glanced out the window again.  “I was going to wait until he came in to talk to him. I didn’t want to interfere. You handled the situation nicely.”

            Steve gave a light nod.  He wasn’t sure he agreed with her, but he appreciated the compliment.“Thanks, and Ms. Carter, don’t take this the wrong way, but guardians don’t just… _watch_ us.  Their jobs are to keep us safe, and make sure we don’t turn out the wrong way.”

            “The wrong way?” She raised an eyebrow.

            “Delinquents, and that sort of thing,” Steve said as he put his hands on his hips.  “Lehigh students are supposed to be exemplary.”

            “You’re worried that your friend James will be a delinquent?” It looked as if she were trying not to laugh.  Nothing they were talking about was funny.

            Steve shook his head.  “It’s not him. The other boys.  They’re harsh and cruel. If this is what they’re like now, when they go off in the world, they’re going to be even worse.”

            Ms. Carter smiled at him, but there was a sadness there too.  Steve couldn’t quite figure out what she was sad about. “I don’t think you need to worry yourself with what those boys will be like when they get older.  The only person you should worry about is yourself. I know it seems impossible, but once you leave Lehigh, you likely won’t ever have to see them again.”

            That wasn’t the point, though.  Steve was proud of Lehigh. He knew that he was lucky.  He’d heard about the other schools, he knew that things were done differently elsewhere.  At the very least, the students should be a positive representation of such a wonderful place.  That didn’t seem to bother Ms. Carter. She was new. Steve was certain that Mr. Stark would explain the way that things worked at Lehigh.  It wasn’t Steve’s place.

            “Thank you, Ms. Carter.”

            She nodded politely.  “Thank you, Steve.”

            Steve turned around and went off towards the mess hall to go speak with Connie.  He didn’t want to think about what happened with James anymore. He entered the dining room and saw Connie sitting at one of the tables with the other girls.  Steve sat down next to her and reopened his sketchbook. He looked at the monkey that he was working on and decided against it. He went to the next fresh page and began sketching a pair of eyes.  

            The next few days passed uneventfully.  Steve didn’t even think about what had happened with James B.  That was the exception of his weekly check up. The nurse had noticed his bruise and went into full on panic mode.

            “How did you get this?”  
            Steve shrugged.  “I trip over my own feet a lot.”

            She sneered at him as she called the doctor over.  

Dr. Erskine came over and began examining him.  He made a dismissive noise. “He’s a child. Children get bruises.  I don’t think it’s anything more serious than that. Make a note of it in his chart.  If it’s still there next week then we’ll look more into it.” He turned to Steve and smiled kindly.  “Try and be more careful, Steven. You know how important it is for Lehigh students to stay healthy and strong.”

            Steve nodded.  “I’ll try my best, Doctor.”

            Steve walked from his check up to his art class.  It was the first time that he had seen James B. since the incident.  The other boy avoided eye contact. Steve wasn’t exactly looking at him either.  He was with Connie who was doing something with watercolors.

            “I wish I had your talent,” She said as she watched Steve add detail to the eyes that he was working on.

            Steve gave her a look.  “You know that some of your compositions are going to be selected for the gallery.  I can’t do what you do with words.”

            One of Connie’s other friends, Bonnie walked over to the table and snorted with laughter.  “You should go see what James drew. Poor thing will never get selected for the gallery.”

            Steve made a face.  He wasn’t sure how true that was.  James always did well in school, he was sure that he had something that was worth submitting to the gallery.

            Connie shook her head.  “That’s a lot of talk for a girl who can barely manage _abstract_ pieces, Bon.” She stood up.  “I guess, I’ll have to go see for myself.”

            Connie walked over to where James was sitting by himself.  He was using paint on his already finished sketch. “That’s nice, James.  What is it? It looks like a cat. I can’t wait until we’re able to see animals like that up close.”

            One of the older boys, Tim D. walked over.  “Nah, that’s no cat, the ears are too big. I’m willing to bet that it’s a rat.”

            “It’s not finished,” James said, his face beginning to flush.  

            “What is it then?” Bonnie asked.  “Since no one’s been able to guess, you may as well just tell us.”

            James’s face had turned scarlet.  “It’s a bird. Those aren’t ears… they’re part of the wings.”  James shoved the paint off the table and onto the floor as he stormed out of the art room.

            Steve didn’t go after him this time.  The last thing that he needed was to get another earful from the doctor.  

            Connie made a face as she walked back over to him.  “That boy needs help.”

            Steve shrugged.  “He’s having a tough week.”

            “Does that count if it’s every week?”  She teased.

            Steve didn’t respond.  He just started focusing on the eyebrows.  Maybe when he was all done it would be a proper face.  Connie and Bonnie kept going on about how James was unstable and needed to learn to control his temper.  It made Steve uneasy. James was the only boy in their year that was even remotely polite to him.

            During dinner, Steve had his tray filled with vegetables and chicken breast.  He scanned the crowd looking for Connie. He found her sitting off in the corner.  As he was about to walk over to her, he saw James B. out of the corner of his eye. He was sitting all alone, just like Steve used to before Connie had practically forced her way into his life.  Steve glanced back to where Connie was sitting, she had her usual gaggle of girls surrounding her. She probably wouldn’t even notice if Steve didn’t sit there that day.

            Steve turned and walked right over to James and sat right across from him.

            “Steve,” James said surprised.  “Don’t you usually sit with the girls?”  
            “Is this seat taken or something?” Steve asked looking around.

            James shook his head.  “No, of course not.”

            Steve picked up his fork and began working on the broccoli that was on his plate.  The last thing that he needed was one of the guardians to get on his case about not eating enough veggies.  

            “About the other day,” James said, rubbing his neck anxiously.  “I didn’t mean to… I’d never want to hurt you… or anyone, I mean.  I just... I thought you were Brock or Jack coming to beat on me. I’m sorry.”

            Steve shrugged.  “I’m fine. I just bruise easily.  Why do you bother with those guys anyway?”

            Bucky laughed.  “They do a lot of the stuff that I like to do.  It’s not that I want to be their best friend or anything, but they’re the only ones who like to play baseball and football.”

            “You could teach me,” Steve suggested.  “Seriously, James, I may not be good at it, but I like those things too.”

            “Why do you call me that?”

            “Call you what?” Steve asked, confused.

            “James,” he said.

            Steve made a face.  “It’s your name isn’t it?”

            James nodded.  “Technically, but you never used to call me that.”

            “Oh,” Steve laughed, realization kicking in.  “What, you mean when we were four and I had a lisp?”

            He nodded again.  “I wasn’t the only James.  There was a boy a year younger than us.”

            “Yeah,” Steve said, remembering.  “James R. I think he got transferred because he got along with Mr. Stark’s son.  I think they moved him somewhere closer so they could see each other all the time.”

            “Right,” James continued.  “He was too young to get a nickname, so everyone started calling me by Buchanan.”

            Steve laughed.  “Yeah why was that?”

            Bucky shrugged.  “He was my favorite president and they needed something that started with a B.  I liked Barnes, but it didn’t catch on.”

            “I couldn’t pronounce that, though,” Steve said, trying to remember the stupid nickname that he used to call James.

            “No, you couldn’t.  I think you settled on Bucky,” James smiled and it was one of the most beautiful things that Steve had ever seen in his entire life.  “I liked it. I wish it had caught on.”

            “I could call you that again,” Steve offered.  “If that’s what you prefer.”

            James’s smiled widened.  “Yeah, I never really liked ‘James.’  It always felt too stuffy.”

            “Whatever you say,” Steve said.  “Bucky.”

            “Now you need a nickname,” James… Bucky said with a smirk.

            Steve laughed.  “No, I think ‘Steve’ qualifies.  It’s better than Steven.”

            Bucky pouted.  “Yeah but if I’ve got a name that only you call me, then you need a name that only I call you.”

            Steve shrugged.  “I guess that you’re going to have to think of something.  I don’t think I have a favorite president.”

            Bucky laughed at that.  “I’ll come up with something.  I warn you, though, I’m not as creative as you are.  It’ll probably be something dumb.”

            “Because ‘Bucky’ was the result of a lot of hard and creative thought,” Steve teased sarcastically.  “I just couldn’t pronounce Buchanan.”

            “How about ‘Stevie’?  I like that one,” Bucky suggested.

            Steve nodded.  “No one calls me that.”  Probably because it made him sound three years old.  Still it was sweet and Steve appreciated where it was coming from, it was still better than ‘Bucky.’

            “I liked your bird,” Steve lied as he changed the subject.  He never even looked at James… Bucky’s picture.

            Bucky shook his head.  “You mean my cat/rat hybrid?”

            Steve opened his mouth to disagree.

            “It’s all right,” Bucky stopped him.  “I spoke to Ms. Carter after.”

            “Really?” Steve asked, surprised.  “What did she say?”

            Bucky took a bite of him food, and tried to talk through it.  “Not much.” He took a few more bites before he swallowed. “She just said that the creative stuff… it’s not a big deal if I’m not so good at all that.”

            “Why?” Steve asked surprised.  “I mean, it’s good that you don’t have to worry about it, but… doesn’t it have to be important?  Why would Mr. Jarvis go through all this trouble for a gallery if it didn’t matter?”

            Bucky shrugged.  “She didn’t say. She just said that it didn’t really matter, and I shouldn’t worry about it.”

            Steve frowned but didn’t say anything.  Bucky was happy, that was all that mattered.  It just didn’t make any sense. Why would Ms. Carter keep saying that things didn’t matter.  The other guardians and Mr. Stark always made it clear that the students at Lehigh were special, the gallery was important, and so was their behavior.  Ms. Carter didn’t seem to share those views.

            The next evening they had to engage in their recreational activities for the day.  On this day it was a structured game of baseball, so everyone had to play. Ms. Carter watched as they all made teams and began playing.  It wasn’t exactly fun, but everyone had to be on their best behavior in front of Ms. Carter so that was a positive.

            Steve was actually getting into the game when the ball was hit off the bat of Brock R.  it went far back too far. Bucky wasn’t able to catch it instead it went right over the fence.  They all stopped and glanced back at Ms. Carter.

            “I guess rec time is over,” Connie said as she crossed her arms.

            They all went to their separate areas of the courtyard.  Bucky gave Steve a sad smile as he walked off towards the house.  

            “I don’t understand,” Ms. Carter said as she began packing up the equipment with Steve and Connie’s help.  “Why didn’t James just go get the ball. It was just over the fence.”

            Steve gaped at her.  “That’s over Lehigh’s boundary.”

            “You can’t go over the boundary, Ms. Carter,” Connie said softly.  “Everyone knows that.”

            Ms. Carter smiled at them, again it looked as if she were trying not to laugh.  “It would have only been for a minute. I’m sure it would have been all right.”

            Connie shook her head.  “Ms. Carter, once there was a boy who went over the boundary.  He was only supposed to be gone for a minute but he vanished. Two weeks later, they found him… dead, with his eyes and ears cut out, floating in the creek.”

            “A few years after that there was a girl,” Steve said solemnly.  “She wanted to play with some of the other children across the street.  When she tried to get back, the doors were bolted and no one could hear he knocking.  She froze to death out there.”

            “Those sound like old ghost stories,” she said.  “Why do you think they’re true?”

            “They’re atrocious,” Steve said.

            “Who make up stories that were so dreadful?” Connie agreed.  

            Ms. Carter didn’t argue, she just resumed packing up the bats and the mitts.  “I think I’ve got the rest of it. Why don’t you two head inside with the others?”

            Steve glanced at Connie as they put down the pads that they had in their hands.  They walked towards the main house.

“I can’t believe that she didn’t know about the boundary,” Connie whispered.  “Someone should have told her.”

            Steve nodded.  “I think she needs more training.  She’s nice, but I don’t think that she really knows how things work around here.”

            “That’s for sure,” Connie said, glancing back at Ms. Carter.  

            Steve shook his head as they entered the large house, tapping their bracelets against the sensors.  “I think I’m gonna go hit the hay. I’m wiped.”

            She nodded.  “I think I might do the same.  See you tomorrow?”

            “First thing,” Steve agreed as he headed off in the direction of the boys dorm.  He was the only one there, the rest of the boys were probably still out enjoying their leisure time.  Steve took out his sketchbook and began working on the eyes again. They were starting to look familiar, but Steve couldn’t quite figure out who’s eyes he was modelling them on, just an image that kept appearing in his head.

            Bucky walked in.  He smiled when he saw Steve and plopped down next to him on the bed.  “Whatcha drawing?”

            Steve smiled at him.  “Just some eyes. I was thinking about submitting them to the gallery.”  The gallery that apparently didn’t matter.

            “They’re really good,” Bucky said.  “I could never draw anything close to that.  Last time I drew eyes they were just little dots on stick figures.  I’m sure that Mr. Jarvis will select it for the gallery.”

            “Thanks,” Steve said.  “What are you doing here so early?  I thought you’d be in the rec room with the others.”

            Bucky shrugged.  “It was boring. Like I said, I don’t really like those guys.  I know you hang out with the girls, but I don’t think they like me very much.  If you want me to go, I’ll leave you with your sketches, but--”

            “No!” Steve said almost too quickly.  “I… I don’t mind the company.”

            Bucky grinned.  “You should draw me sometime.”

            Steve raised an eyebrow.  “Why’s that?”

            “It might be the only way that I’ll make it into the gallery,” Bucky laughed, and it was almost musical.

            Steve felt his face begin to flush.  “I’m sure that’s not true.”

            “Believe me, I’m no artist like you, Stevie,” Bucky said.  

            Steve nodded.  “Okay. I can draw you sometime.”

            Bucky grinned at that.  “Make sure you get my good side.”

            Steve laughed, he didn’t think that Bucky had a bad side.  “I’ll do my best.”

            The next few days were similar.  He’d see Bucky in class, hang out with Connie and then draw in the dorms with Bucky.  It became their regular routine. They were practically inseparable, and Steve was thrilled.  As much as he adored spending time with Connie, it was nice to have a new friend.

            They were in their public studies class.  They were doing a role playing activity. Steve had to be the cashier, which was much more ideal than being the customer.  Steve always stumbled over his words when he was expected to come up with something on the spot. When he was the cashier, he essentially had a script.

            Bonnie was his first ‘customer.’  

            “Good morning, how are you?” Steve said.

            “Um… good,” she said awkwardly.

            Steve took a deep breath.  “Can I get you anything, this morning?”

            “Um… tea, please.”

            Steve picked up the plastic teacup and teapot.  He pretended to pour some water into the cup. “How do you take it?”

            “Two scoops of sugar, please,” Bonnie said more confidently.

            Steve again pretending, took a plastic spoon and put two empty spoonfuls into the empty cup.  “That’ll be $1.50.”

            “Oh!” She looked down at the bag that she was holding and pulled out the toy money.  “Here you go.”

            Steve opened the fake register and gave her the fake change and handed her the teacup.  “Have a nice day.”

            “You, as well.” She smiled and went to sit down at one of the plastic chairs that was set up on the stage.

            Bucky was “next in line” and when he reached Steve, it was clear that he had no idea what to do.  

            “Good morning,” Steve repeated from his script.  “How are you?”

            “Fine,” Bucky said nervously looking at the menu.

            “Can I get you anything, this morning?” Steve prompted him.

            Bucky scratched the back of his neck.  “Tea, please--”

            “James,” Ms. Carter interjected.  “The purpose of the exercise is to complete your own order, not just repeat what Bonnie’s order was.”

            Bucky nodded, and glanced back at the menu.

            “Don’t take too long,” Ms. Carter said softly.  “There is a line of customers behind you.”

            Steve mouthed “cappuccino” to him and Bucky nodded.  “I’ll have a cappuccino, please.”

            “Better,” Ms. Carter said with a smile.

            Steve pretended to pour something into another plastic cup.  “Your total is going to be $3.25.”

            Bucky opened his wallet and handed him a fake credit card.  Steve pretended to swipe it, trying his best not to seem the least bit bored.  He handed the card and the cup to Bucky.

            Luckily Steve only had to take two more customers before Ms. Carter switched cashiers and Steve was able to observe the remainder of the exercise.  Steve was just grateful that he didn’t have to be a customer. He never really imagined needing it. He was content just staying in with Bucky or Connie and drawing all day.  From what he’d heard of it, the outside world wasn’t that great anyway. He had no reason to want to go there.

            During lunch he sat with Bucky, who was still complaining about the exercise.  “I mean what if I really wanted tea? Would the barista really not give me tea because the person in front of me ordered it first?”

            “Of course not,” Steve said.  “But you don’t like tea.”

            Bucky laughed.  “Yeah, but Ms. Carter doesn’t know that.”

            “It’s just for practice,”  Steve said. “For when we finally do go out there.  You’ve heard the stories. If we blend in, then it’s safer for us.  That’s all it is.”

            Bucky nodded.  “I know, it’s still stupid.”  He waved his right wrist, where his silver identification bracelet rested.  “All they’ve gotta do is spot this to know who we are. Blending in is just a fancy way of saying, make them look harder.  It’s still pretty damn easy for them to tell who we are. Besides, the others have had their whole lives lived in the outside, they’ve got more practice.  They probably don’t even have classes on how to act in a cafe.”

            “Probably,” Steve agreed.  “Still, it can’t be a bad idea to have some practice. I don’t like the idea of going out there.  The idea of having to leave Lehigh behind gives me a nervous stomach.”

            “Really?” Bucky asked as he began eating his jell-o.  “I can’t wait to get out of here.”

            “Why?” Steve couldn’t understand it.  They were lucky. Lehigh was the best school there was.

            “With the exception of you, hardly anyone likes me here,” Bucky said.  “They’re not that nice to you either.”

            Steve frowned.  “Still, I like the classes, and even if I don’t have too many friends, I do value the ones that I have.  Plus, it’s safe here. We have dances, and sales, and classes. A lot of other kids don’t have this.”

            “I guess,” Bucky said.  “Still. It’s all we’ve ever known.  How can we really know how great it is, if it’s all we’ve ever had?  I want to see the ocean, Stevie. I want to see a real life baseball game.  I want to eat something that I pick, not the school. It’s not that I don’t like it here, I just want more.”

            “I guess that makes sense,” Steve confessed.  “There’s a lot of world out there that we haven’t seen yet.”

            “Wouldn’t you like to actually see an art gallery?” Bucky asked.  “Like actually see one, rather than hope your art might be in one that you’ll never see?  When we get out of here, you can see a proper art gallery or even a museum. All those artists that we learned about, you can actually see some of their work, right there in person.  Don’t you just ache for that?”

            Steve shook his head.  “Bucky, look at me. My job is to stay healthy otherwise… what’s the point?  I’m small, I get sick easily, and the outside world is probably only going to make that harder for me.”

            “You’re still growing,” Bucky said honestly.   “It took Donnie B a while before he hit his growth spurt.  Now look at him, dude’s enormous. You heard what Mr. Stark said in class the other day, once we hit puberty we’re gonna change a lot.  That’s coming soon.”

            Steve shrugged.  “Maybe. I guess I’m just comfortable here.  The idea of leaving freaks me out a little.”

            “Oh,” Bucky said with a laugh.  “It scares the shit out of me. But that what makes it so cool.  There’s a whole world out there. Don’t you just want to experience it all?”

            Steve laughed.  “Yeah, I guess. I just think about everything that comes with that stuff.”

            “Well even Lehigh has its downsides.  Nothing can be all happy and safe all the time.  It just wouldn’t be real,” Bucky said.

            As much as Steve hated to admit it, there was a lot of truth to what Bucky was saying.  He wouldn’t treasure his friendships with Bucky and Connie as much as he did if it weren’t for the ridicule that he’d experienced at the hands of the other boys.

            “I guess you’re right,” Steve relented, and it Bucky’s face light up so bright that it made Steve wish that he’d just given in sooner.

            The next morning there was an assembly.  Mr. Stark like to have at least one assembly per week.  The week prior had stressed the importance of sobriety. Steve was sure that this week’s assembly would be focused on something similar.  They had to sit in alphabetical order, which put him right near Jack and Brock, while Connie and Bucky were able to sit near each other. The result: Steve hated assemblies.

            “Good morning, Lehigh students,” Howard greeted them enthusiastically.  

            “Good morning, Mr. Stark,” the crowd responded in unison.  They had all been accustomed to this.

            Howard smiled, but it never quite met his eyes.  Steve had seen pictures of Howard when he was younger--he didn’t used to smile like that.  Steve often wondered why.

            “I have a few exciting announcements to share with you all,” Mr. Stark said.  “Firstly, our good friend Mr. Jarvis will be visiting our campus at the end of this week and beginning of this week.  As you all know he is looking for some very special pieces of art to showcase in his gallery. I know that this doesn’t need reminding, but we are to extend the warmest of hospitalities to him during his stay here at Lehigh.”  At the mention of Mr. Jarvis students began chattering excitedly amongst themselves. Everyone knew that it was among one of the greatest honors to have their art selected to be in Mr. Jarvis’s gallery. Steve hoped to see it in person one day.

            “Secondly,” Howard said raising his voice ever so slightly.  It was enough, as if on cue the room silenced. “For our students who have exhibited exemplary behavior and earned their tickets, we will be hosting a sale on Tuesday afternoon.  I have been told that it’s got quite the selection, so if you don’t have too many tickets yet, I’d work on my behavior.” That announcement made the first seem like nothing. The room erupted with excited cheers.  Howard’s smile brightened a bit as he waited patiently for the students to contain their excitement.

            “Lastly,” he said after a few moments.  “We have found some discarded beer cans yet again, near the edges of our boundary.  The staff and I hope they were left by some outsiders who got too close to our property, however I cannot stress enough that alcohol is a luxury.  A luxury that should only be indulged by individuals who have aged out of Lehigh, and _very very_ sparingly.  I cannot stress enough, that your health is of the utmost importance here at Lehigh.  It’s much worse for your health to decline than anyone else’s. Understood?”

            “Yes, Mr. Stark,” they all responded robotically.

            Howard nodded.  “Excellent. Off to your lessons, and remember try your best to earn those tickets.”

            Steve waited until his row was dismissed and tried his best to ignore the sneers that he was getting from Brock and Jack.  He glanced at Bucky whose row was just getting dismissed at the moment. He caught Steve’s eye and smiled. Steve felt his face heat up.  Something about Bucky made him feel like he’d just taken a sip of hot chocolate. Like the warmth was dripping down into his insides and making him feel nice, relaxed and snug.

            Steve was brought back to reality by Ms. Carter clearing her throat.  Steve turned and saw that the rest of his row had already left their seats, and his fellow students were waiting on him. Steve blushed as he scurried out of his seat and down the row of seats.  “Sorry, Ms. Carter,” he muttered as he practically ran to keep up with the people in front of him.

            The first class that they had was health.  Steve hated health. This was mostly because he was the least healthy person in his cohort.  While the doctors had said that he was technically still healthy enough to be at Lehigh, he was clearly less healthy than his peers.  However, this chapter that they were on was interesting. It was sexual education.

            Steve found the topic to be particularly fascinating.  It was one of the few course in which Steve felt that the guardians were transparent.  They didn’t just simply talk at them. They guardians encouraged them to ask questions, and while Steve himself was too embarrassed to ask anything, he still felt like he learned a lot.  It was also one of the few areas in which Steve didn’t feel like he was less than. There was no reason, based on what he’d learned, that he wouldn’t be able to perform sexually to the same extent that Brock or Jack could.  Not that they were encouraged to engage in sexual activities of course. They were much too young--Ms. Carter meant sure to emphasize that piece of information repeatedly. Still, the goal was to keep them educated about their bodies so that they could one day have fulfilling sexual relationships.  It was the only subject that Steve thought could actually translate to the real world.

            “Does anyone have any questions?” Ms. Carter asked.

            Bonnie’s hand shot up.

            “Bonnie C?” Ms. Carter pointed at her hand.

            “Well,” Bonnie laughed nervously.  “I read this book from the library and it talked about…   _pregnancy_ \--”

            “That’s not something that students of Lehigh need to concern themselves with,” Ms. Carter said curtly.

            “Why?” Steve asked, forgetting to raise his hand.

            Ms. Carter raised an eyebrow at him.  “No calling out, Steven.”

            Steve raised his hand.

            She sighed.  “Yes, Steven.”

            “Why don’t students at Lehigh need to worry about pregnancy?” Steve asked.

            “Well, we all know why Steve doesn’t,” Brock snickered under his breath.

            Ms. Carter shot him a deadly look.  “I don’t recall asking for your commentary, Brock.”

            “Sorry, Ms. Carter,” he said, still laughing.

            She took a deep breath.  “Students at Lehigh are special in a great many ways.  One of those ways is that you will never have to worry about unwanted pregnancy.  Which is a positive, I assure you.”

            “Why is it a positive?” Connie asked raising her hand.

            “Pregnancy can lead to… complications.”

            “But it doesn’t always, right?” Steve asked, his brow furrowed.

            She put her hands on her hips.  “It eliminates a lot of risk--”

            “So we can’t ever have children?” Bonnie asked.

            Her eyes danced around the classroom.  Steve could practically see the wheels turning in her head.  It was like she was realizing some terrible truth for the first time, which didn’t make sense.  She was the one with the answers.

            Ms. Carter cleared her throat.  “I suppose that positive or negative is just a matter of opinion.  However, the fact remains that pregnancy is not something that students of Lehigh will ever have to worry about.  Your health is so important, that it cannot be risked by something as consequential as pregnancy.”

            That made some sense at least.  Lehigh students were special. It was far worse for one of them to suffer from complications than anyone else.  That was a fact. A fact that had been stressed from day one. Still, Steve couldn’t help but feel uneasy about it.  Not that he ever wanted children, it was just strange knowing that he’d never have the option.

            Ms. Carter’s face remained solemn.  Steve wasn’t sure why. “Class dismissed,” she aid after a few moments. She turned to face the board so her back was to the students.  The class awkwardly gathered their books and began exiting the classroom.

            Steve was the last one, as he was about to leave he heard sniffling.  His head shot over to Ms. Carter. She was crying. Steve walked over to her.  “Ms. Carter,” he said quietly.

            She wiped her face with her hands.  “Yes, dear?” She asked sniffling.

            “We didn’t mean to upset you.  We just want to learn is all,” Steve said as he handed her a tissue.

            She smiled, but her eyes somehow got sadder.  Steve didn’t think that was possible. “I know that, darling.  Why don’t you run along. I’m sure your friends will be looking for you.”

            Steve nodded as he walked towards the doorway.  He glanced back, trying to think of something else to say.  So he walked out, unsure of what else to do.

            That night he was in the dorm with Bucky, he was finishing up his sketch.  What had started out as just eyes had become Bucky’s entire face. Steve was trying to perfect it, but nothing could ever live up to the real thing.  Bucky was breathtaking, and Steve’s art paled in comparison.

            “Can I look at it yet?” Bucky asked impatiently.

            Steve shook his head.  “Not yet.”

            “I know I’m gonna love it, Stevie,” he said.  “Can’t I just sneak a peek?”

            Steve smiled.  “No can do, Buck.  It’s not ready.”

            “Well you’re gonna have to finish it soon if you’re planning on submitting it,” Bucky pointed out.

            Steve shrugged.  “I can always wait until next year to send it in.”

            Bucky pouted at that.  “C’mon, Stevie. I just wanna take a look.”

            Steve sighed as he handed the sketch book to Bucky.  

            Bucky let out a low whistle.  “Wow. Stevie, this is amazing.”

            Steve waved dismissively as he took the book back.  “I can’t get it right. It hardly even looks like you.”

            “What the hell are you talking about,” Bucky said in disagreement.  “If anything it looks better than I do. You’ve gotta submit it, Stevie.”

            “Maybe,” Steve said as he began erasing part of Bucky’s hair that was not cooperating.  “I just don’t think it’s close enough yet.”

            Bucky laughed.  “Well it’s ten times better than anything I’ve ever drawn.  Besides, this is my only shot at getting in the gallery.”

            Steve shoved him playfully.  “It’s not too late for you to submit something.  You might surprise yourself.”

            Bucky shook his head.  “Nah. I’m gonna listen to Ms. Carter.  If she says it’s no big deal, then why should I bother worrying about it?”

            Steve didn’t agree.  The gallery had to serve some purpose, but he didn’t voice this.  “Speaking of Ms. Carter, class was pretty weird today.”

            “Yeah, you can say that again,” Bucky agreed.  “Everyone was just asking questions. Isn’t that what they want?  Most guardians encourage questions, but she kind of just freaked out when people started asking things.”

            “I’m glad that I’m not the only one who thought it was weird,” Steve said as he began studying Bucky’s hair to try and get it just right.

            “You were definitely not the only one who thought it was weird,” Bucky laughed.  “Bonnie and Connie seemed pretty uncomfortable when we were leaving. I don’t know why it was such a big deal, though.  Of course we can’t have kids, we don’t have parents.”

            Steve teetered his head back and forth. “I never thought about it that way.”

            Bucky’s face fell.  “What, you wanted to have kids with some girl one day?”

            “No,” Steve said immediately.  He didn’t want Bucky thinking that he was pining over someone.  Bucky was the only person that he cared for that way, even if Steve was too nervous to tell him that.  “I guess, I just always thought that I’d have the option to. I guess it’s stupid.”

            Bucky shook his head.  “It’s not stupid.” His tone said otherwise, though.

            “I don’t--Bucky… I’m sorry.”  It was the only thing that Steve could think to say.  “It was stupid. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

            Bucky’s face softened.  “There’s nothing to be sorry about.  I just thought that we told each other everything.”

            “We do,” Steve lied.  “I guess the whole class just threw me for a loop.  That’s all it is.”

            “Of course,” Bucky said.  “I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have made a big deal about it.”

            “It’s fine,” Steve said honestly.  “Now just sit still. I’m trying to get your hair right.”

            Bucky grinned.  “I’ll do my best.”

            The next day Mr. Jarvis arrived and it was the talk of the entire school.  It was interesting, Steve had never noticed before how much Mr. Jarvis seemed to dislike his time at Lehigh.  He never wanted to even brush up against anyone. He always made sure to keep a safe distance away from all the students and he almost constantly wore gloves.  He must’ve been nervous. Children at Lehigh were special. Their health was paramount. Maybe he was just worried about getting someone sick. Still, the way that he looked at the students, almost fearfully, didn’t make sense.  They were still just kids.

            The whole school was rushing as they tried to finish up their artwork in time to be submitted to Mr. Jarvis.  “I hope he likes my poems,” Connie said one afternoon in the courtyard. “I spent hours perfecting them. It would be nice if at least one of them was selected.  What did you end up submitting?”

            Steve shrugged. “Just a few sketches.”

            “What about that one of James?” Connie said.  “It was good.”

            Steve’s head snapped to face her.  “How did you know about that? I didn’t show it to you.”

            “James mentioned it the other day,” she said nonchalantly.

            Steve gave her a look.  “I didn’t know that you two talked.”

            She chuckled.  “C’mon, Steve. You’re my best friend.  I had to make sure that he wasn’t going to just hit you again if he felt like it.”

            “No offense, Connie, but I think I can decide that myself,” Steve said shortly.

            She made a face.  “You have a bleeding heart, Steve.  It’s sweet. But anyone with a sob story can gain your trust.  Like how you comforted Ms. Carter after she totally freaked out the other day.  I just wanted to make sure that he wasn’t hanging out with as some sort of joke.”

            “Why would it be a joke?” Steve said, blood pressure rising.  

            She gave him a sympathetic look.  “You know how the boys can be. I was just trying to look out for you.  Besides, I feel like that’s the only way that I can find out what’s going on with you lately.”

            “What does that mean?” Steve asked, crossing his arms.

            She shrugged.  “It’s not a big deal.  It just feels like you spend all of your time with James now.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that you’re making new friends, but I’m your best friend, and I miss you sometimes.”

            Steve frowned guiltily.  “If you felt that way then you could’ve just said something.  You’re still my best friend, Con.”

            “So you’d tell me if it was something more than that, right,”  She asked, and it was the only time that Steve hated that she knew him almost better than he knew himself.

            “What do you mean,” Steve played dumb.

            “This thing with James,” she pressed him.  “He’s just a friend?”

            Steve nodded.  “What else would he be?”

            “I don't know,” she said.  “Ms. Carter _did_ say that sometimes people of the same gender have… relations.”

            Steve shook his head nervously.  “No--no! Nothing like that,” he lied.

            “It’s no big deal if it is,” she said with a smile.  “You can trust me you know.”

            “I know,” Steve said.  “There’s nothing going on like that, though.  We’re just good friends.”

            “Okay.  So are you excited for the sale?” She asked, changing the subject.

            “I guess,” Steve said, happy to be discussing something else.  “Are you going to look for another doll?”

            “I haven’t decided yet,” She said as she rested her head to the side.  “I was thinking of maybe seeing if I can find a new lip gloss. Mine is running low.  What about you? Maybe you can find a new sketchbook?”

            He shook his head.  “I just got this one at the last sale.  I’ve been hoping for a pencil set or something.  The ones from the school suck.”

            “Maybe they’ll have some,” she said.

            They didn’t.  The sale was not the jackpot that Howard Stark had advertised.  At least not by the time that Steve had gotten down there. There was hardly anything aside from junk.  Steve overheard some of the older girls saying that the stuff came from Staten Island. At Lehigh, that was one of the harshest insults.  According to the delivery men, Staten Island was a dump where all lost things went. If that was where the items came from then it was no wonder why the sale was disappointing.

            Connie seemed to have found her lip gloss because she seemed pretty happy as she talked to Bonnie at the other side of the mess hall.  Steve did another lap around the mess hall before he decided to call it quits and head out of there.

Just as he walked out, he heard someone call his name.  He turned to see Bucky jogging after him. “Stevie, wait up!”

            Steve stopped and waited for Bucky to catch up to him.  

            “What’s wrong?”  Bucky put his hands on his hips.

            “Nothing,”  Steve said honestly.

            “Why didn’t you get anything?” Bucky asked.  “Do you need more tickets? You can have mine if you want.  I’m not gonna use them.”

            “No, that’s okay,” Steve said honestly.  “I have tickets. I was gonna go look around later after it died down a little bit in there.  It’s too crowded to get a good look at anything.”  
            Bucky nodded.  “It doesn’t really matter.  I already got you something.”

            Steve looked at him.  “You really didn’t have to get me anything, Buck.”

            Bucky handed him a box.  Steve looked down at it. It was a pencil case.  He’d been complaining that his old one had a hole that the pencils kept falling out of.  This pencil case was like nothing he had ever seen it was a nice size and it must have been made a hard plastic, as it didn’t appear to be fragile.

            “Bucky--”

            “Open it, Stevie,” Bucky said.

            Steve opened it.  This was more than just a pencil case.  It was a whole set of stationary. It had blank pages, pencils, even a small pencil sharpener.  In one of the compartments, there was a music tape.

            “I know you said that you draw best when you have music in the background.  I saw it and thought of you right away,” Bucky said. “Do you like it?”

            “Are you kidding?” Steve asked.  “I love it. Bucky, this is the best gift I’ve ever gotten.”  It was the only gift he’d ever gotten.

            Steve pulled Bucky into a hug and kissed his cheek.  “Seriously. Thank you.”

            Bucky smiled sweetly as he put his arm around Steve’s shoulder.  “It’s no big deal. I’m just glad you like it.”

            Bucky started leading him in the direction of the dorms when they bumped right into Connie.  She stared at them for a moment, her eyes went to where Bucky’s arm rested on Steve’s shoulder.  She looked right at Steve and gave him a look as if to say ‘Really?’ She didn’t say anything just walked in the other direction with Bonnie following closely behind her.

            Steve didn’t worry about it, though.  He’d kissed Bucky on the cheek and he’d just pulled him closer to him.  At the very least, Bucky didn’t seem to mind that Steve liked him a little bit more than his friend.  That was win and Steve was going to take it.

            The next day it rained worse than any other day Steve could remember.  The rain and wind were so bad that Steve worried Lehigh might lose power.  There were new leaks all over the place and that was saying something. Mr. Stark took great pride in Lehigh’s maintenance.  In fact almost every summer they would have crews coming and going to make improvements to the school. Before each project, Mr. Stark always said that it was because Lehigh was a special place for special students, and that the building should reflect as such.

            They were stuck in class with Ms. Carter.  Mr. Stark had made the decision to keep students in their classrooms until he could identify all the leaks and put buckets down wherever necessary.  Ms. Carter hadn’t been teaching, though, she’d been pacing back and forth in the front of the classroom. Every so often she would open her mouth to speak, but then close it again and continue walking.  It was infuriating. Steve almost would’ve preferred it if she just taught them history or something.

            After about another ten minutes of her walking back and forth, she stopped in front of the chair at her desk.  She gripped it and leaned for a moment before she took a deep breath. “The thing is, what concerns me the most, is that you all know, but don’t.  You’ve been told, but no one’s ever really explained it to you.” Well, she had everyone’s attention, she just wasn’t making any sense. “You’ve been told that you are here because you’re special.  In a way, that’s true. You have a very special and vital purpose. No one’s ever told you what that means, though. If I were to ask you the question ‘what happens to children when they become adults’ no one would be able to give me a definitive answer.  The reason is that no one knows. Children can grow up to do a many number of things,” she paused, and covered her mouth for a moment. Steve could swear that he saw tears beginning to form in her eyes.

            “Excuse me,” she said as she cleared her throat.  “Where was I? Oh--yes, children. They can grow up to be almost anything.  Some might go to space, or become surgeons. Others may work at a bookstore or cafe. But not you.  Lehigh children are different. When you grow up, it will only be for a short period of time, and you will never have a career or purpose other than what has already been decided for you.  The problem is that no one here has told you what it is that’s been chosen for you. Until now.

            “When you turn eighteen, you will be moved to one of a many number of facilities in the tristate area.  You will have more independence than you do here, but you will have limitations that others won’t. You will still have curfew and mandatory check ups.  The closest thing that some of you may have to a career is to be a carer, which is thankless work. Regardless, between the ages of twenty-one to twenty-eight years old, you will receive a letter.  That letter will tell you that you will begin your donations. Donations are not monetary for you as they are for the others. You will begin donating your vital organs. That is why it is so important that you be healthy, so that when they take your organs, they will go to good use.”  She paused again the tears were streaming freely from her eyes now.

            “On average you will donate three times, and then your life will… complete.  Some of you may make it to five donations. One boy overseas is on record donating seven times.  Some may complete on their first donation. That is the only part of your fate that is yet to be determined.  I am not telling you this to be cruel. I am telling you so that when you finally do leave this place, you will use your freedom to live the lives that you want.  This way when you choose, you will have all the information right in front of you.”

            Steve felt like the earth was shattering around him.  Ms. Carter had to be mistaken. Lehigh was a school, a special school, for special students.  Their childhoods were blessed. Who would arrange all this luxury for people whose lives didn’t matter?  Everyone was staring at her. The room was so silent that you could hear a pin drop. Not even Brock or Jack had a witty remark to her statement.

            She went to walk away when she dropped her lesson plans on the ground.  Bucky immediately stood up and handed them to her. Steve could almost swear that he saw her heart break even more.  At the very least, she seemed to believe what she was telling them.

            Steve wasn’t sure how long they sat there for, taking in everything that she had just told them.  When Mr. Stark did finally check in, he knew something was wrong immediately.

            “What’s going on here?” He asked.

            “We’re not special, Mr. Stark?” Bonnie asked.  “We’re going to die before our thirtieth birthday?”

            The color drained right out of Howard’s face.  “Who told you that?” His head snapped to Ms. Carter.  “Peg--Margaret, did you--what is the meaning of this?”

            He didn’t deny it.  Not once. Steve felt like he was going to be sick.  This had to be some terrible nightmare. When he woke up, he’d be in his bed, he’d wake Bucky up, and tell him the whole story.  They’d even laugh about it. Steve didn’t wake up. It was real.

            “Howard, they had a right to know--” She began.

            “Peggy--Ms. Carter. I will _not_ have this conversation in front of the _children_.  Please wait for me in my office, while I clean up your mess,” Howard spat.

            She gave him a look, but didn’t argue.  She picked up her lesson book and stormed out of the classroom.

            Mr. Stark looked at them and took a deep breath.  “I’m sorry that you had to hear that. I don’t want any of you to concern yourselves with whatever she told you.  Open your books to page 394. Start reading up on the Declaration of Independence while I find you a substitute. I believe Mr. Fury has a free period.”  Normally they’d be excited at the idea of a substitute, especially Mr. Fury, who usually taught the older children. That day it elicited no reaction.

They opened their books, but none of them actually did any reading.  Throughout the entire class, Steve did not hear a single page turn. Mr. Stark didn’t say that Ms. Carter was lying or mistaken.  He just didn’t say anything about it at all.

When Steve got back to the dormitory that night, he took out his cassette player and listened to the tape that Bucky had given to him.  There was this one song that he decided to play on repeat. It was called “ _Never Let Me Go”_ by Judy Bridgewater.  It was beautiful, but not in the traditional way.  It was beautifully heartbreaking. Steve kept hearing the lyrics over and over.   _‘Darling hold me and never, ever, let me go.’_ Now more than ever he just wanted to be in Bucky’s arms until he had to finally begin his _donations_.  The word was perverted in some way now, what used to be seen as a positive now being a new form of murder.  He tried to shake the idea from his head, but he couldn’t. This was real.

When Bucky returned to the dorm, he didn’t say anything.  He just gave Steve a sad smile before he laid down in bed and closed his eyes.  Steve wasn’t exactly in the mood to talk either, just knowing that he was in the bed adjacent to his was comfort enough for the time being.

            The next morning, Mr. Fury came to their dorm and told them to get dressed and to be in the auditorium before breakfast.  That couldn’t be good. Bucky was ready first and usually he waited for Steve before he left, but not that day. Steve didn’t blame him.  Things were still raw.

When Steve got to his seat in the auditorium, he didn’t even care that he was right next to Jack R.  He was a jerk, but it was strange knowing that he’d have to donate his organs, the same as Steve. Maybe that was why Ms. Carter had said that it didn’t matter if they were “delinquents.”  They would be dead before they could cause any serious damage.

            Mr. Stark stood up at the podium.  He looked very serious, even for him.  “I know that, with the rain yesterday, most of you are eager to get outside.  I’ll try and make this quick. Some of you may be aware, but Ms. Carter, who was guardian to the ten-year-old boys and girls was let go from our employment yesterday.  We are striving to find a proper guardian to replace her as soon as possible. In the meantime, Mr. Fury has volunteered to take over her responsibilities as the older students are moving on to their exams.  Lehigh is a special school, for special students. It is difficult for us to move past and continue our fine work when someone deliberately tries to get in the way of our progress. However, Lehigh and its students are stronger than that.  We will continue to be an exemplary school with exemplary students. Do not fret over Ms. Carter or whatever she might have said. Lehigh is stronger than that.”

A lot of the students began to clap.  Steve didn’t. He’d liked Ms. Carter, and while he may not have liked the things that she said, they appeared to be the truth.  Why would Mr. Stark fire someone for telling the truth?

            He glanced over to where Bucky was sitting.  He saw Bucky, who was next to Connie as usual, except she was resting her head on his shoulder and they were holding hands.  Steve felt sick to his stomach. He might as well have just begun his donations already, and they could take his heart first if it meant that he couldn’t be with Bucky.  Steve stopped himself. For all he knew, Bucky could just be comforting her--he was sweet and caring. It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for him to do something like that for someone else.

            Once the assembly was over, Steve immediately began trying to find where Bucky and Connie had gone off to.  He checked the mess hall first as no one had eaten breakfast yet, and nothing. They weren’t anywhere to be seen.  He checked the English lab--Connie always liked to work on her poetry in there, but again, it was empty. Steve glanced out the window and saw them in the courtyard.  They were walking, hands completely to themselves.

            Steve ran out of the classroom and headed over to the courtyard, scanning his bracelet against the sensor absentmindedly.  He glanced around the courtyard, but he’d lost sight of them. He began jogging, looking everywhere for any sign of them. He rounded the corner when he saw them, sitting on a bench, their lips pressed together.  Steve let out a gasp and quickly hid back around the corner. He didn’t think either of them saw him.

            He raced back into the main house, not bothering to look back.  He hoped that neither of them looked to investigate the noise. Steve tapped his bracelet back against the sensor again and ran back into the dormitory.  Nothing mattered. Bucky loved Connie, not him, and he wasn’t special, he was just growing organs for someone else to use. What kind of an existence was that?

            Steve grabbed his cassette player and began listening to the song again.  It was easier to imagine that way--that what he saw wasn’t real and that Ms. Carter was a liar.  He knew that neither of those things were true, but it made it feel better to pretend. He just didn’t understand.  Why out of all the boys, Connie liked Bucky the best. That was also a lie. Bucky was also the boy that Steve liked best.  It made sense that Connie would see the same things that Steve did.

            Steve didn’t even realize that he was crying until he saw the drops falling on his cassette player.  He wiped them off and raised the volume on his headphones. Maybe pretending wasn’t as easy as he thought it was.

 

 


	2. "Donors"

_Eight years later_

            Steve was packing up his things from the dormitory.  He had just turned eighteen years old and he was getting ready to leave Lehigh behind.  He came across his old cassette player. The tape from Bucky was still in it. Steve still listened to it more often than he cared to admit.  He safely packed it in his bag next to his stationary kit. He glanced around the room looking for anything else that he might have missed. He didn’t have much to begin with, but he knew that he’d likely never see this place again, so he wanted to make sure he didn’t leave anything behind.

            He glanced at his watch.  It was almost time to go meet Bucky and Connie.  The three of them were lucky enough to be going to the same facility after Lehigh.  It was a relief, but Steve had to admit that it would have been easier if they had been separate.  That way he wouldn’t have to see the two of them together.

            After all those years, Bucky and Connie had defied the odds.  They didn’t fizzle out like the rest of the childhood romances.  If anything, they’d grown stronger. As much as Steve hated to confess, he still longed that Bucky would open his eyes one day and see that Steve was the one for him instead.  It was sad and pathetic, but Bucky was the only person that he’d ever loved. He’d tried dating other people. Once he finally did have his growth spurt, he’d gotten quite a bit of attention from both the girls and some of the other boys.  He’d dated a few people upon Connie’s persisting and even slept with one or two of them, but no matter what, his heart always went back to Bucky.

            Steve took one last look at his dorm before he made his way down the steps.  Connie and Bucky were already down there. Steve felt his heart stop as he saw them by the front entrance.  Bucky had his arms around her waist while hers were around his neck. He pecked her lips sweetly, and Steve felt himself becoming increasingly jealous.  It was far from his finest moment.

            He cleared his throat.  “You all made sure you got everything?”

            Connie detached herself from Bucky, while one of his arms lingered on her waist.  “Yeah, Steve. If we forgot anything, I doubt it’ll be missed. Are you _finally_ confident that you’ve gotten every last thing from your quarters?”

            Steve gave her a look.  “It’s not like we’re gonna have a chance to come back if we forgot anything.”

            “Stevie’s right, babe,” Bucky said.  “It couldn’t hurt to take one last look if you wanted.”

            She shook her head.  “I’m all right. Unless you want to go back up.”

            He shook his head too.  “Believe me, if I left anything, I’m sure that Stevie would’ve found it considering how thoroughly he went through our dorm.”

            Steve smiled awkwardly at that.  His heart still skipped a beat everytime Bucky called him Stevie, even though it shouldn’t have.  Bucky was off limits, he was his best friend’s boyfriend, even if things did end between them, Steve could never do that to Connie, no matter how much he wanted to.

            The van pulled up to the front.  There were a few people in it already.  They were probably from other schools or facilities all going to the same place.  They were headed to New York. They would be staying in an apartment complex that was designated for donors.  That’s what they would be called from then on: “donors.” No longer were they special students at a special school.  Maybe it made it easier for the others to see them as something less than human.

            Mr. Stark was waiting by the doors to bid them farewell.  Steve had to wonder how many students or “donors” that he shipped off to their impending deaths.  A man that he had once looked up to and admired had become a source of disdain for him. Logically, Steve knew that Mr. Stark was just a piece of the puzzle and had little influence on their lives, but he supported it and that was enough to piss Steve off.

            “Steven R., James B., Connie B., I personally did my best to ensure that the three of you wouldn’t be separated.  I wish you the best on your journey to the outside. I’m sure that you’ll do great things,” he said with a smile, but the smile still didn’t reach his eyes.  Steve had an idea why now.

He was wrong.  They wouldn’t do great things.  Maybe their organs would, but they wouldn’t.  

            Steve didn’t respond, he just tapped his bracelet against the sensor and walked out the front door.  He took his bag and walked over to the driver who was standing out there waiting for them.

            “Name?” He asked as he looked down at the list in his hands.

            “Steven R.”

            He stepped aside, letting Steve on board.  For a place that he didn’t want to leave, Lehigh sure left Steve with a lot of issues.  He still never forgot about the firing of Ms. Carter. The one person who dared to tell them the truth rather than contributing to the lie.

            A few minutes later, Connie and Bucky entered the van too.  They sat next to each other in the row behind Steve.

            “Hey.”  Bucky tapped Steve’s shoulder.  “What was that?”

            Steve shrugged.  “I didn’t have anything nice to say so I didn’t say anything.  I think I exercised ‘exemplary behavior.’”

            Bucky rolled his eyes.  “C’mon, Stevie. He made sure that we didn’t get separated.”

            “It was literally the least he could do,” Steve said.

            “He’s done a lot less for others, Steve,” Bucky said.  It was true. Quite a lot of people got separated when it was time to relocate.  He knew for a fact that it was very hard on Connie when Bonnie was shipped off to Connecticut a few weeks prior.  Steve shouldn’t have been complaining.

            “It’s going to be fun,” Connie insisted.  “The three amigos, no rules, no guardians.  We might get into quite a bit of trouble.”

            “So long as it happens before 9:30pm,” Steve said as he flashed his bracelet in front of her face.

            She shot him a look.  “It’s still more to explore than the Lehigh grounds.  We can take day trips all the time. Would it kill you to be a little excited about this?”

            “Maybe,” Steve teased, and couldn’t help cracking a smile.

            She grinned.  “You smiled, I win.”  Connie sat back and leaned against Bucky, who put his arm around her.  Steve turned back around, trying not to make it too obvious how badly it stung seeing them like that.

            The van provided a nice distraction.  Driving was terrifying. Steve had never been a passenger in any car before, and from what he gathered, driving in New York was crazy.  The driver, who was paid to drive for a living, was having a fit as he tried and maneuver them throughout the boroughs. Steve was thanking any deity that might hear him that he didn’t throw up all over the van.

            When they finally arrived several hours later, it was practically curfew so they had to take their things and enter the apartment complex.  The complex was smaller than he’d imagined, but he shouldn’t have been surprised. Lehigh was enormous--it made sense that they’d be somewhere smaller.  

            Steve tapped his bracelet against the sensor that was at the main entrance of the complex.  There they were greeted by a red headed woman. “Hi, I’m Nat.” She extended her hand and it glowed silver.  She was a donor too.

            “Steve,” he shook her hand.

            “You three are from Lehigh, right?” She asked.

            Connie nodded shaking Nat’s hand.  “I’m Connie, this is James.” _James_.  Bucky hadn’t made her give him a personalized nickname.

            “There are only two open rooms--”

            “That’s fine,” Bucky said as he put an arm around Connie.  “Con and I are good to share.”

            She nodded.  “Perfect. Clint and I are in the downstairs bedroom.  You three will be one floor up. The rooms are right across from each other so make yourselves comfortable.  I’m sure you probably want to rest after driving all that way.”

            “Thanks,” Steve said as he immediately began heading up the steps.  Sleep sounded like an amazing idea.

            Bucky and Connie followed him.  Steve just entered the room on his right, leaving Connie and Bucky the one on the left.  It would be nice to have his own privacy for once. The dormitories left little to the imagination.  

           He placed his bag on the bed and opened it.  He began searching for his cassette player. It was gone!  He frantically began dumping everything out. He was certain that he’d packed it!  Yet inexplicably it was nowhere to be found. Steve wanted to scream. That was a gift from Bucky.  Bucky had chosen to give it to _him_ , not Connie or anyone else. He was sure that he’d packed it.  Frustrated, he threw everything back in his suitcase and tossed that on the floor.  He already hated the outside.

            Steve woke up the next morning to Bucky plopping down next to him.  “Rise and shine, Stevie. Nat said that there’s some cereal downstairs.  We don’t have to just eat eggs anymore.”

            Steve rolled over so that he was facing Bucky.  “How do you know you’ll even like cereal, Buck?”

            “Cause I’m fucking sick of eggs.”  Bucky laughed. “Seriously, though are you okay?  You seemed off yesterday.”

            Steve nodded.  “I’m fine. It’s just strange.  I knew we’d leave Lehigh eventually, but it all went so fast and…” his voice trailed off.  

            “And what?” Bucky asked, absentmindedly playing with the frays on Steve’s blanket.

            “Nothing,” Steve lied.  “It’s stupid.”

            “Bull,” Bucky teased.  “C’mon. I thought we told each other everything.”

            Steve grimaced.  “It’s just… this has all gone so fast so far and… who knows how much time we’ve got left?”

            Bucky frowned.  “I wish you would’ve lied to me again, Stevie.”

            “I shouldn’t have said anything,” Steve said apologetically as he got out of the bed.

            “I’m teasing, Steve,” he said.  “I get it. Believe me. Connie was up all last night crying about the same thing.  I swear you two are on the same wavelength or something. It sucks, but we can’t live our lives thinking about all that.  Everyone’s gotta go sometime, right? We just go a little sooner than most.”

            Steve went into his suitcase and pulled out another shirt.  He immediately started changing, not thinking anything of it.  He and Bucky spent their entire lives in the same dormitory. It was hardly the first time one of them had changed in front of the other.  Once he was dressed, he turned to Bucky. “Am I decent enough?”

            Bucky nodded.  “I’d say so. Hey, did you wanna go for a walk after breakfast?  Explore a little bit?”

            “Sure,” Steve said, trying not to sound too enthusiastic.  “I know Connie said she wanted to explore.”

            Bucky made a face as he stood up.  “I just meant us. Connie wants to try and make friends here.  Which is great, but… I guess I don’t see the point in getting too attached to anyone new.”

            “I thought we can’t live our lives thinking about that?” Steve threw Bucky’s words back at him.

            Bucky stuck his tongue out at him.  “Screw you. You know what I mean. If all my friends keep dropping like flies, that’s all I’m gonna be able to think about.  That’s no way to live.”

            Steve opened the door to his room, letting Bucky out and closed the door behind them.  They walked down the steps to the kitchen area. Steve opened the cabinet and took out two bowls.  He handed one to Bucky as he began searching for spoons.

            “They’re in the drawer next to the sink,” Nat called from the living area across the hall.

            “Thanks,” Steve called back as he opened it.  Sure enough all the utensils were there. He handed Bucky a spoon as he took one for himself.

            “There are my boys,” Connie said as she came in from the living room.  “I was talking to Nat and she said we could apply to be carers if that’s something we were interested in.”

            Bucky made a face.  “No thanks, babe. I have no desire to surround myself with all that death.  Besides, I don’t think I’m exactly the nurturing kind.”

            “Fair enough,” She smiled.  “Steve, what do you think? We could do it together.”

            Steve shrugged.  “Maybe. It sounds kind of interesting.”

            “Caring for people while they undergo their donations,” Bucky huffed dismissively.  “That doesn’t sound interesting. It sounds depressing.”

            “Hey, someone’s gotta do it,” Steve said nonchalantly.

            “Why does it have to be us?” Bucky asked.  “I am perfectly happy doing nothing but leisure activities until the day my donations begin.”

            Steve shrugged.  “It might be a good experience.  It could give you an idea of what to expect for your own donations.”

            Bucky snorted.  “Well, we know what to expect don’t we?”

            “C’mon, James,” Connie said as she crossed her arms.  “You don’t have to go there.”

            “Hey, Connie, do you know where they keep the cereal?” Steve asked, desperate to get off the subject.

            She nodded as she walked over to one of the cabinets and opened it.  She took out a box and handed it to him. “There you go.”

            “Thanks, Connie,” Steve said with a smile.  

            She smiled back as she exited the room, but not without shooting Bucky a dirty look.  

            Bucky shook his head as Steve handed him the box of cereal.  “You two are too much for me, you know that?”

            “Don’t bring me into this.  I don’t need to be involved in your domestic dispute,” Steve teased.

            Bucky shoved Steve’s shoulder playfully as he went over to the fridge and pulled out the milk.  “Fine, take her side.”

            “I’m not taking anyone’s side,” Steve said as he took the milk from Bucky.  “I don’t want to be involved. Be a carer, don’t be a carer. It doesn’t affect my decision.”

            “Which is what?” Bucky put the milk away.

            “To think about it,” Steve said honestly.  “Once you’re a carer you’re a carer until you begin donations.  It’s not a decision to be taken lightly.”

            “Fine,” Bucky repeated with his mouthful.  “Take her side.”

            Steve rolled his eyes as he began eating the sugary cereal.  He preferred eggs. He made a mental note to go through his old notes to find some of the cooking instructions.  He was not going to be able to survive on cereal. Lehigh had left him spoiled.

            When they finished eating, Steve quickly washed their bowls before they got ready for their walk.  Once they were ready they hit their bracelets against the sensor and walked out. Brooklyn was pretty.  Steve could tell that much from the moment they walked outside. It might have been even prettier than Lehigh’s courtyard, which was saying something.

            Bucky must’ve been thinking the same thing because he let out a low whistle.  “This place sure is something else.”

            “Yeah,” Steve agreed.  “You can say that again.”

            “Make sure you remember how to get back,” Bucky said, glancing back at the apartment complex.  “There are a lot of people and I doubt they’re all friendly.”

            Steve nodded as he looked back to the building.  “How’s Connie doing? I know she was upset about Bonnie.”

            “She’s all right,” Bucky said.  “I mean we always knew that eventually we’d have to leave most of the people from Lehigh in our past.  I’m just glad I got to stay with my best girl _and_ my best guy.  I can’t ask for more than that.”

            “The apartment is nicer than I thought it’d be,” Steve said, changing the subject.  “I don’t know, I always imagined it’d be like a cattle farm, if that makes sense. I never thought that we’d get to live like the others after Lehigh.”

            “I don’t know if it really counts,” Bucky said.  “We don’t have to work or pay our bills.”

            “We give our lives for it,” Steve said sadly.  “I think that more than counts as payment.”

            Bucky stopped walking.

            “What?”

            “Look, I know I talk a good game, but I hate the _completion_ talk, Stevie,” Bucky said with a sad smile.  “We don’t start our donations for a while, so let’s stop thinking about it.  It always makes me feel all weird.”

            “Really?” Steve asked.  “We talked about it a lot right after Ms. Carter was fired.”

            “Yeah well my view has changed a bit since then,” Bucky said.  “Back then, it just seemed like a horrible ghost story. Like the ones about the kids that went past the boundary.  Like there was a chance it might all be fake. But with this, it’s real and the worst part is, I don’t want to donate.  I don’t have any desire to complete, Stevie, but then I get to thinking. We wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for the donations.  We were brought into this world to be taken out of it. Sometimes, I just feel like it’s some sick circle of life.”

            “You agree with it,” Steve said softly.

            “Not exactly,” Bucky argued.  “I just understand where they’re coming from.  They’re not evil murderers. We were created for that purpose and without that purpose, we wouldn’t have ever been created.  I just wish I wasn’t on this side of it.”

            Steve nodded.  “It makes sense.”

            “Connie doesn’t seem to think so,” Bucky said with a bitter laugh.  “She got all pissy when I brought it up.”

            Steve raised his eyebrows momentarily.  “I can’t say I blame her. I mean, I understand where you’re coming from, but I can understand why she’d disagree too.”

            “Believe me,” Bucky said as he started walking again.  “I’m not in a rush to start my donations. I’m just saying, it’s a system.  We’re just part of it. We might as well try and enjoy the time we have instead of just focusing on the fact that it’s gonna be over.”

            “I get it,” Steve said honestly.  “It still sucks.”

            “Oh it sucks ass,” Bucky agreed with a shiteating grin.  “I just see the logic behind it, is all.”

            They walked around for about a half hour before they arrived back at the apartment. Once they tapped in with their bracelets, Nat introduced them to her boyfriend Clint.  He seemed nice, but Steve didn’t hang around to talk. He went up to his bedroom and took out his stationery kit--at least he still had that. While all of the supplies had been replaced at one point or another, the kit itself was the same.  Steve took out a sketchbook and began drawing. That was the one thing that he held onto at Lehigh. His art. Throughout everything, he still believed that the gallery had to exist for a reason. Even if it didn’t, it was an activity that Steve actually liked, and gave him an excuse to get away from Connie and Bucky whenever they got too affectionate.

            Steve began sketching the building that he could see out his window.  While he missed Lehigh, Brooklyn certainly had a charm to it. It was artistically beautiful and from their lessons at school, he knew there was a lot of culture involved too.  He could do this. He could manage living there. He had his two best friends. Even if it did still hurt seeing them together, he loved them both, even if it was in very different ways.

            Steve pretty much stayed in his room that entire day.  He’d never had privacy before and he kind of liked having his own space to escape to.  He wasn’t sure how long it was before Connie came up to get him.

            “Hey,” she smiled at him as she walked in.  “I wanted to make sure you didn’t sneak out.  You’ve been up here for hours.”

            He smiled back as he showed her his sketch.  “Sorry, I was in the zone.”

            “I know we don’t really talk too much without James around, but I am really glad that we didn’t get separated, Steve,” she said as she sat on the edge of his bed.  “I think I’d be lost if I had to say goodbye to you or James.”

            “Me too,” Steve said honestly.  “You two seem happy--”

            “We were just fighting this morning over being carers.”  She laughed.

            Steve frowned, trying not to enjoy the fact that there might be trouble in paradise.  “That didn’t seem like a real fight. More like a disagreement.”

            She nodded.  “You’re right.  He’s great. I really shouldn’t complain.”

            No, she shouldn’t.  Steve would trade places with her in a heartbeat, but he couldn’t exactly say that.  “No one’s perfect. You guys will figure it out.”

            “Listen, Clint and I made dinner for everyone if you’re hungry,” Connie said.  “It’d be nice if you stayed downstairs and watched the television with us. It’s supposed to be life changing.”

            Steve didn’t really have any desire to socialize, but Connie was trying very hard to make this place seem like home for all of them.  The least he could do was throw her a bone. “Sure, sounds like fun.”

            She grinned.  “Great. C’mon, you better get some before James eats everything.”

            Steve got off the bed and followed his friend down the steps.  The apartment did smell good, so that was a good sign. Still, Steve was hesitant.  Connie had never cooked before, so he’d hoped that Clint did most of the work. They’d made pasta.  Steve had never had that before. He scooped the noodles into his bowl and poured some of the jarred sauce on top.  It wasn’t bad.

            They were all sitting in the living area.  Connie was on Bucky’s lap on the couch and Steve was sitting in one of the chairs off to the side.  Natasha and Clint were next to Bucky and Connie. Steve quickly decided that he hated television. The content made no sense and Steve didn’t actually think that the others really enjoyed it either.  Throughout the show, there were these reactions from the audience when the show was filmed. His peers would only react when the audience on screen did. Their reactions weren’t genuine--they were just going through the motions.

            Connie was enthusiastically joining along, laughing at all the cues and making surprised noises throughout it.  Steve had to fight the urge to roll his eyes. The show was about some couple living in an apartment together getting into ridiculous situations.  In the episode they were watching, the boyfriend was having a crisis because his mother was coming over and she didn’t know that he’d moved in with his girlfriend.  The result was that the guy was trying to convince his girlfriend to go out for the afternoon without telling her that his mother didn’t know they were living together.  Steve didn’t understand. Were people really that afraid of their parents? If they had a support system why would they hide these types of relationships? It didn’t make sense.  No one else seemed to care.

            Steve glanced over at Bucky and Connie.  She was still curled up on his lap, and he was whispering something in her ear.  She was grinning widely, and Steve could only imagine that Bucky was saying something sweet to her.  He was always so good with his words. The two of them had appeared to make up over their tiff from earlier.  Steve wasn’t even surprised or disappointed anymore. He was just angry with himself for his inability to just move on.  

            He tore his eyes away from them and tried to focus on the television.  It was useless. All he could think about was how this was probably how Bucky and Connie saw themselves. A happy-go-lucky couple taking the next steps in their relationship by moving in together in the city.  Steve decided to go clean up the dirty dishes that were left over from dinner. If Connie and Clint cooked, it was the least that Steve could do. Besides, it gave him an excuse to get away from everyone else without appearing to be antisocial.

            When Steve was done, Bucky and Connie weren’t in the living room anymore.  Natasha looked back at him and gave him a smile. “They went up to bed. We don’t bite if you want to sit for a while.”

            Steve smiled politely.  “Thanks, but--”

            “Dude, you’re probably not gonna want to head up to bed right away anyway.  The walls are paper thin,” Clint said as he pat the seat on the couch next to him.  “It’s not like you’ll get to sleep with the two of them going at it like rabbits.”

            Steve literally felt the blood drain from his face.  He knew that Connie and Bucky were sexually active. They’d both told him about it more times than once.  The idea that Steve was going to hear them in the act at one point or another was the sickening part. Just the mental image was enough to make Steve sick to his stomach.  

            He relented, sitting down next to Clint.  “Thanks for the heads up.”

            “No problem,” Clint said.  “You like the show? There are new episodes every week.”

            Steve nodded, lying.  “Yeah, it seemed interesting.  We only watched a few films at Lehigh.  Mostly just educational things.”

            That seemed to pique Nat’s interest because she sat up at that.  “They… _educated_ you at Lehigh?  You mean more than just reading, writing and basic math?”

            “Yeah,” Steve said honestly.  “They wanted us to be educated.  I couldn’t tell you why. It’s not as if we were ever going to do anything with the information that they fed us.  Stark was insistent though. He wanted us to be ‘exemplary.’”

            “Stark?” Natasha asked.  “You mean Howard Stark? The billionaire?”

            “I guess so,” Steve said.  “It was definitely Howard. I didn’t know that he was a billionaire.  I guess it makes sense. Someone had to fund everything.”

            “Why would he do that?” Clint asked.  “Seems pretty generous for a guy who’s just the middleman between birth and slaughter.”

            Steve shrugged.  “I don’t know.”

            “There’s gotta be a reason,” Clint pressed him.

            “He didn’t talk about himself much,” Steve said.  “Occasionally, he’d mention his son. One of the older girls said that she thought his son might be waiting for a donation and that was why he ran Lehigh.  I have no idea if it was true or not.”

            “Do you think--”

            “Clint,” Natasha hissed.  “He said he doesn’t know. Can you zip it so I can watch the show?”

            Clint nodded putting his arm around her shoulders.  “Sorry, babe.”

            Steve glanced towards the steps.  “I think I’m gonna call it a night.  See you tomorrow.”   Steve raced up the steps, desperate to get away from whatever that was.  Unfortunately in all the awkwardness he’d forgotten why he’d opted to stay downstairs to begin with.  He could very clearly hear Bucky and Connie having sex. His cassette player really would have come in handy right then.

            Steve tried to sketch, maybe he could just tune them out.  It didn’t work. In fact he’d wound up tearing up several sketches that he started in frustration.  It sounded as if they were getting louder, maybe that was a good sign that it was almost over. It was torture hearing each moan exchanged between the two of them.  Steve finally settled for burying his head under the pillows. It drowned them out enough for him to fall asleep.

            The next few days were spent trying to figure out how to coexist in the house. There were a few other people living in the floor above them.  Steve didn’t care enough to get to know them. They had their own common living area and rarely came down to the area that Steve and his friends shared with Clint and Natasha.  

            Connie and Clint did most of the cooking.  Natasha did the laundry. Steve did the dishes and Bucky took out the trash.  It was nice to be getting into a routine. He’d liked routine back at Lehigh. It was much more boring at the apartment.  At least at Lehigh, there were multiple tasks that Steve had to busy himself with, here he had the one. It was going to take a lot of getting used to.

            One thing that was infuriating him, other than the marathon sex that Bucky and Connie seemed to be having every other night, was the fact that Connie was changing.  It wasn’t necessarily a bad change, but she was too eager to fit in. She practically jumped to do anything that Natasha or Clint suggested. What was worse was that she began taking elements of the stupid television shows and incorporating them into her life.  She’d been repeating one of the character’s stupid catchphrases over and over. It made Steve grind his teeth. It was harmless, but Steve hated it.

            Additionally, her actions were different.  The girl on the show would always grab her boyfriend’s chin before pulling him in for a kiss.  Connie had started doing the same thing to Bucky and it was nauseating. She was trying to be just like fictional people.  It didn’t make sense, she was wonderful as Connie. Why would she want to be different?

            “What’s with you?” She’d asked one day as she handed Steve the dishes.

            Steve gave her a look.  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

            “You’ve been distant,” she said as she crossed her arms.  

            Steve shrugged.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

            “You’ve been hiding out in your room all the time,” she pointed out.  “You used to hang out with us. Ever since we got here you’ve been all by yourself.”

            “You guys have changed a little,” Steve said honestly.

            She made a face.  “How have we changed?”  
            “It’s just-- you--the TV,” Steve said.  “You’re doing whatever those characters on the TV do.”

            “I am _so not_ ,” she said.

            Steve pointed at her.  “Right there. If I have to hear you say ‘so not’ one more time, I think my head is gonna explode, Connie.”

            “I’ve said that before I started watching the show,” she argued.

            “What about the way that you grab Bucky’s chin before you kiss him--”

            “ _James_ is my boyfriend, I’m allowed to touch him aren’t I?” She raised her voice slightly.

            “Of course,” Steve said, even though he’d prefer it if the two of them kept their hands to themselves.  “It’s the _way_ you’re doing it, Connie.  The people in the real world aren’t really like that.  They watch that stuff because it’s an exaggeration.”

            She put her hands on her hips.  “Is this about something else?”

            “No,” Steve said honestly.  “It’s not.”

            “Oh, Steve,” she said and her face softened as if she felt sorry for him.  “Is this because you’re the only one of us who isn’t part of a couple?”

            Steve laughed at that.  Genuinely laughed. “Okay, Connie.  If you want to pretend that you’re not changing at all, we can do that.  I just think that you’re pretty great the way you are, and it makes me sick watching you try and be something you’re not.  The girl I knew at Lehigh never gave a rat’s ass what anyone else thought of her.”

            “Okay,” she said quietly after a pause.  “ _If_ I am doing those things, then it isn’t intentional.”

            Steve nodded.  “Good, because you don’t need to change to impress anybody.”

            The next few weeks passed strangely.  Bucky was slacking. He hated taking out the trash.  Steve usually didn’t mind as Bucky always eventually got to it, but the trash was overflowing and Bucky was out for some day on the town with Connie.  Steve decided that he’d take care of it just that once.

            He brought the bag out to the side of the building where the dumpster was.  That’s where Steve saw them. Magazines. Nude magazines. Of other men. Steve picked them up in his free hand while he put the garbage down in the dumpster.  Steve glanced around to make sure that no one was watching him. He walked over to the small table and bench that was set up for them next to the building. Steve began scanning the pictures with a purpose.  No luck. He tossed the first magazine back in the dumpster as he began searching the next one.

            “Steve?”

            Steve looked up to see Bucky staring at him.

            “What?”

            “What are you doing?” Bucky asked, one of his eyebrows raised.

            Steve shrugged.  “What does it look like?  Getting my kicks on dirty pictures.”

            Bucky laughed awkwardly.  “Well, you’re doing it wrong.”

            “How do you know what gets me going?” Steve asked as he kept skimming the pictures.

            “You have to look at them for more than .02 seconds, Stevie,” Bucky said as he sat down next to him.  “Can we talk about what this really is--”

            Steve groaned as he tossed the magazines at Bucky.  “Fine, if you’re the expert, you can keep them. Maybe show them to Connie, spice things up.”

            Bucky’s jaw went slack as Steve stormed off into the apartment.  He slammed his bracelet against the sensor as he bolted up the steps to his bedroom.  He hurled the door closed behind him. It was none of Bucky’s business what he was doing with those magazines.  He should have just left well enough alone. Not that it mattered. Steve didn’t find what he was looking for anyway.

            About a week or two after that, Steve was in his bedroom sketching when there was a knock on his door.  Connie poked her head in and smiled nervously at him. “Hey stranger.”

            “Hey,” Steve said as he put his sketchbook down.  “What’s up.”

            “I miss you,” she said quietly.  “I know that you and James had an argument.  I just don’t understand why you’ve been avoiding me.”

            Steve frowned guiltily.  “I’m sorry, Connie. I didn’t do it on purpose.  You two just feel like a unit now. I don’t know.  I thought you might be mad at me too.”

            “No one’s mad, Steve,” Connie said.  “Just a little worried. I thought we’d be inseparable, and yet I feel like your further away from me more than ever now that you’re right across the hall.”

            “I’m sorry,” Steve said honestly.  “I wasn’t trying to push anyone away.”  Maybe he was. Maybe it was easier if he didn’t have to see the two of them together.  

            “I have a favor to ask,” she said as she looked down.  She walked over and sat down on the edge of Steve’s bed.

            Steve turned so that he was sitting next to her, with his feet touching the ground.  “What’s up?”

            “Natasha and Clint went into Staten Island yesterday afternoon and they saw… a woman,” Connie said as she brushed her hair behind her ear with her finger tips.  “She was working in a school and… they thought she looked like… me.”

            “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Steve asked as he smiled at her.  This was huge.

            She nodded.  “They think that she might be my…”

           “That’s incredible,” Steve said as he pulled her into a hug.

             She held on tighter to him.  “They were thinking about bringing me over to see for myself, but I was hoping… I understand if you don’t want to, James of course is coming but…”  

            “Connie,” Steve said as they separated.  “Of course, I’ll come with you.”

            She wiped a tear out of her face and sniffed.  “Thank you. I just couldn’t imagine going without my best friend.”

            “I’ll be there,” Steve said honestly.  “I wouldn’t miss it.”

            She hugged him again.  “Thank you, Steve. Really.”

            “Don’t mention it, Connie,” Steve said with a smile.  This was a big deal for Connie. If this person turned out to be who she thought it was it would be massive.  Steve had to be there for his oldest friend.

            They went into Staten Island later that week.  It was a Friday and it was the first time that they’d really be interacting with anyone from the outside.  Steve was trying his best not to worry about it. He’d changed his outfit several times and brushed his hair even more times than that.  He walked down the steps and Bucky was waiting by the front door.

            “Hey,” he said with a soft smile.  “Are we good?”

            Steve nodded.  “Of course, we’re good.”

            Bucky grinned as he shoved him playfully.  “Good. I fucking missed you, Stevie.”

            Steve smiled at that.  Bucky had missed him. Steve was more than just some third wheel following Connie and Bucky around.  “Missed you too, Buck.”

            Connie skipped down the steps, she was wearing a nice dress that she had gotten at one of the last sales they’d had at Lehigh.  It was pretty and she looked nice as usual.

            Bucky let out a low whistle.  “Wow, babe. You look incredible.”

            She blushed as she pecked his lips.  “Thank you, James. You’re too sweet.”

            “He’s right,” Steve said honestly.  “You look amazing, Connie.”

            She pecked Steve’s cheek.  “Thanks, Steve. I’m lucky my two boys clean up just as well as I do.”

            Natasha and Clint walked out of their room.

            “I rented us a car for this,” Clint said as he waved his keys around.  “Nat said none of you know how to drive yet, right?”

            Steve nodded.  “They didn’t teach us that at Lehigh.”

            “No biggie,” Clint said with a shrug.  “I like driving. Let me know if any of you want to learn.”

            Steve had no desire to learn how to drive, especially not after seeing how crazy it was on their way to Brooklyn from Lehigh.  He must not have been the only one to feel that way because neither Bucky nor Connie volunteered to learn either. It was nice that he wasn’t alone in that regard.

            They got into the car, Natasha and Clint were in the front while Steve and his friends were in the back.  Connie was in the middle, holding both of their hands. It was clear that she was nervous about all this, Steve didn’t blame her, he’d be nervous too.  The radio was on low, but Steve didn’t recognize any of the music. Not that it was a surprise. Steve had really only listened to the tape that Bucky got him.  The tape that he lost.

            “So how much experience do you three have with the outside?” Clint asked.

            “Loads,” Connie lied.

            Bucky snorted.  “We’ve had none.”

            “We did a lot of role playing at Lehigh,” Connie said trying to make it sound the same.

            “That doesn’t count,” Bucky said with a small smile.  “We pretty much sucked at those anyway.”

            “Speak for yourself,” Steve said as he squeezed Connie’s hand tighter.  

            Clint nodded.  “All right, well, try not to be too nervous.  It makes it a little harder to blend in. The last thing that we need is to make a scene.”

            Steve looked over to Connie, she was tapping her foot anxiously against the floor.  Steve brought her hand to his lips and kissed it sweetly. She smiled at him. “Thanks, Steve.”

            “Don’t mention it.”

            When they finally got to Staten Island, Clint insisted on stopping for food.  It wasn’t a bad idea as none of them had eaten anything before they left. Still, Steve was nervous.  He’d never eaten at a restaurant before. He was at a loss. He could not remember a single thing that the role playing had taught him at Lehigh.  It was a recipe for disaster.

            They sat down in a booth.  Clint and Natasha were on one side and the three of them were on the other.  Connie was in the middle again. She seemed to have calmed down a bit as she browsed through the diner’s menu.  That reminded Steve to look through the menu himself. There were more options than he could have ever imagined.  He glanced over to Bucky who was staring at the menu with his eyes wide. He must have been having a similar dilemma.  Steve looked back at the menu. He’d never even tasted half of these meals before.

            The waitress came up to them.  “My name is Shelly, what can I get you today?”  She had a pen and paper in her hand.

            “I’ll get a hamburger and fries,” Clint said as he handed her the menu.

            She turned to Steve.  “You?”

            Steve gulped, and panicked.  “Um… hamburger and fries.”

            “Hamburger and fries,” Connie agreed, passing her menu to Steve.”

            “Yup, hamburger and fries,” Bucky repeated, avoiding eye contact.

            Shelly blinked and looked to Natasha.

            Natasha laughed awkwardly.  “I’d hate to be the odd one out.  You might as well give me a hamburger and fries too.”

            Shelly nodded and took a deep breath.  “Do you want anything to drink?”  
            “Might as well just give us five cokes,” Clint said with a tight smile.  

            “Coming right up,” she said as she walked away.

            Natasha laughed once she walked away.  “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it. It took Clint and I forever to start ordering separate things.”

            “It used to take us twenty minutes just to agree on something,” Clint said.

            “It’s a pretty big day,” Steve said with a small smile.  “And I guess Lehigh’s roleplaying wasn’t all it was advertised.”

            “Those things never are,” Natasha laughed.  “S.H.I.E.L.D. was absolutely useless with that.  Clint and I had no idea how to exist once we got to the apartments.  We were a mess.”

            “Thank you for bringing us here,” Connie said politely.  “I really appreciate you telling me what you saw and agreeing to come back here with us.  I can’t tell you what it means to me.”

            Natasha grinned.  “Of course. I’m sure you’d do the same for us.”

            After about fifteen minutes, the drinks and food came.  It was good. Much better than anything Steve had eaten since they left Lehigh.  It even rivalved some of the meals from Lehigh itself. Bucky especially seemed to like it--he didn’t have a crumb left on his plate by the time he was finished.  Connie ate about half of her meal before she stopped. Steve imagined she might still be nervous. It was understandable.

            “I’m actually glad that we were able to get you three alone,” Clint said as he wiped his mouth with a napkin.  “You just never know who might be around back at the apartments. There are always people coming and going.”

            “Yeah?” Bucky asked.  “What’s up?”

            Natasha and Clint exchanged a glance.  “Well,” Natasha said nervously. It was the only time that Steve had ever seen her unsure of herself.  “We had some questions about Lehigh.”

            “What about Lehigh?” Connie asked, her eyebrows furrowed.  

            “There are rumors,” Clint said as he took Nat’s hand.  “That Lehigh students are different. That if there were two students from Lehigh and if they were in love--like really, really in love and they could prove it, then they might be granted a few years together before they had to start their donations.”

            Steve stared at them.  Of all the stories he’d heard about Lehigh, that hadn’t been one of them.  

            “We were just wondering,” Natasha continued.  “If there was any truth to it and if there was, who you’d apply to.”

            Connie laughed uncomfortably.  “Where did you--who told you that?”

            “Pietro, who lives upstairs.  He’s been here since before Nat and I got here and he said that the tenants before us were from Lehigh and that they were granted the deferral.  So who is it that we’d apply to?” Clint asked again.

            Bucky cleared his throat.  “I’m sorry, really I am. I just have no idea what you’re talking about.”  He leaned over to look at Steve. “I can honestly say that I’ve never heard of anything like that.”

            “Oh,” Clint shook his head, his tone rising.  “That’s bull, man. Everyone knows that Lehigh is different-- _special_.  Why won’t you just tell us?”

            “There were a lot of ghost stories and tales when we were at Lehigh,” Steve said honestly.  “Not a single one of them turned out to be genuine. They were mostly horror stories that the staff told us to keep us in line.  I’ve never heard a thing about a deferral. That seems like something Ms. Carter would’ve mentioned when she told us about our mortality.”

            Clint looked away from them, and Natasha squeezed his hand tightly.  “You’re sure? You’re not just holding onto Lehigh’s secrets?”

            “Of course not,” Bucky said.  “I wish it were true. If it was, we’d tell you exactly who to call.  If it’s true, then we certainly didn’t get the memo.”

            Shelly came back over and put the check on the table.  “When you’re ready,” she muttered as she walked away.

            They all took out their cash and paid, leaving a fair tip for Shelly.  Still, there was tension. Steve could tell that Natasha and Clint didn’t believe them.  Steve didn’t blame them for being upset and disappointed. Steve would’ve felt the same way is someone told him that his only hope was just some old wives’ tale.  

            Clint and Natasha were leading them to the school where they saw Connie’s lookalike.  It wasn’t too far of a walk from the diner. Steve felt a sense of pride as he saw the school.  It certainly paled in comparison to Lehigh. It was strange that he still felt as though Lehigh was part of his identity, even with all the negative feelings that he had towards the place.

            “She’s over there on the playground,” Natasha said as she forced a smile onto her face.  Steve admired that. The fact that she was still trying to be a good friend to Connie despite what she must have been feeling.

            They walked as close as they could to the playground.  There was a woman with dark hair like Connie’s. She was too far to get a proper look at.

            “That must be her,” Connie whispered.  She squinted as she tried to get a better look at her.

            The woman looked at them and began walking over.  Connie grasped Steve’s hand. As she got closer it became clear that this woman was not who they’d hoped it would be.  

            “I’m sorry, school is in session,” the woman, who did not look much like Connie at all, said.

            Bucky nodded.  “Sorry. We’ll get out of your hair.”  He nodded his head to the right and they began walking away.

            Steve looked back to Clint and Natasha who were looking on.  He just shook his head to let them know that it wasn’t her. They nodded back in understanding.  Steve jogged after Connie and Bucky who had made it quite far down the road at this point.

            They were near the water, and managed to find an area by the boardwalk that was pretty empty.  “It’s not her,” Connie said, as she tried to keep the tears from streaming down her face.

            “No,” Steve said it agreement.  “It wasn’t her.”

            “We don’t know that,” Bucky said.  “She seemed kind of close. It’s not always exact.”

            Connie glared at him, and if looks could kill then Bucky would’ve dropped dead right there.  “It wasn’t close at all, James! She hardly resembled me! I should have known better!”

            “What’s that mean?” Bucky asked as he looked away.  “You were all excited before me got here.”

            “It means that woman was a teacher, James! A _teacher_!  We’re _never_ modeled after people like that!  People with _lives_!  We are modeled after the people who will do anything to make a quick buck!   _Trash_!”  The tears were freely flowing from her eyes now, and Steve knew that she was right.  Bucky had to know it too. It still wasn’t something that anyone wanted to hear.

            “If you want to look for originals, we all know the cardinal rule,” she said as she wiped her face with her hands.  “You look in the gutter amongst the rats.”

            Bucky shook his head as Connie stormed off.  Steve knew better than to go after her. When she got like this it was best to give Connie her space.  Bucky had his back turned to Steve. His hands were on his hips.

            Steve walked away from the water and sat on a bench further up on the boardwalk.  He figured it would be best to wait for the two of them to stop fighting. This was the one occasion that he hoped they wouldn’t fight for too long.  Connie was going through enough, she didn’t need to lose Bucky too.

            “Hey.”  Steve looked up to see Bucky walking over to his bench.

            “Hi,” Steve said as he scooted over so Bucky could sit.  “She okay?”  
            Bucky shrugged.  “She will be. I’m giving her some time now.  I mean, we knew that this was a possibility. I told her not to get too excited, but she… she was sure.”

            “Do you blame her?  If someone told you that your original was right around the corner and working a job that was respected, wouldn’t you want to believe that?”  Steve asked. “I don’t know why I didn’t see it before we got here. She’s right, you know. People like us don’t come from people like _that_.  You’ve gotta scrape the bottom of the barrell to find the people who we came from.”

            Bucky gave him a look.  “You really thought she was going to have luck here?”

            Steve nodded.  “I just thought it made sense.  Connie has always been too good to have come from the gutter.  I just figured that had something to do with her original. I guess it’s stupid.  It always made me feel less bad for feeling like her inferior.”

            “You’re not inferior,” Bucky said.

            Steve shrugged.  “That’s how it felt at Lehigh.  It always felt like Connie was on a whole other plane from the rest of us.  You didn’t feel that way? I thought it was why you liked her. It’s not an insult to us.  It’s a compliment to her.”

            Bucky smiled.  “Trust me, she feels a lot more insecure than she lets on.”

            “I guess it was stupid,” Steve said honestly.  “I just always saw her on a different level from us.”

            “Let’s do something,” Bucky said, standing up from the bench.  “Who knows when we’re gonna get a chance to come back to Staten Island.  Isn’t this where all our lost things go?”

            Steve smiled at that.  He had forgotten about that old tale that the delivery men used to tell.  He hadn’t thought about that in years. “How could I forget?”          

            Bucky extended his hand and Steve took it.  They began walking down the boardwalk looking through different shops.  It was nice. He and Bucky were mostly just messing around and looking at the different merchandise.

            Eventually, they wound up in a music shop.  Bucky was looking through all the different records, while Steve was mostly looking at the posters.  He concluded that musicians were bizarre, yet still mildly attractive. It was odd.

            “Hey, Stevie, look at this,” Bucky called over to him.

            Steve looked over to where Bucky was.  He’d made his way over to the cassettes.  Steve walked over to him. “What’s up?”

            Bucky waved a cassette tape in front of his face.  It was the same one that he had bought for Steve at the sale all those years ago.  “Remember when I got you this? We were like ten.”

            Steve practically snatched it out of Bucky’s hand.  Maybe there was something to that old wives’ tale after all.  “Oh my god.”

            Bucky smirked.  “I guess I did pretty good with that tape, huh?”

            “I’ve had it all this time,” Steve confessed.  “I _just_ lost it somewhere between Lehigh and the apartments.  I have to replace it. I also need to buy a new portable cassette player while we’re here.”

            Bucky laughed as he took the tape back from Steve.  “I have to be the one to replace it. It’s the only good gift that I’ve ever given, ask Connie.  I might as well play it safe by giving it a second time.”

            “Bucky--” Steve began protesting.

            “No, too late.  I’m buying it right now.  Go pick out your cassette player before I decide to buy that for you too,” Bucky teased.

            Steve shook his head in disbelief as he gave in and went to look for a cassette player and headphones.  

            “C’mon,” Bucky called from the register.  “Let’s go!”

            “I haven’t picked one out yet,” Steve whined.

            Bucky grinned.  “I already got you one, dummy.”

            Steve gave him a look as Bucky handed him the bag.  

“Let’s go find the others before they leave us here.  It’s getting late, we’ve gotta head back soon anyway,” Bucky said.

            Steve nodded as they walked out of the shop.  They made their way back to the car where the others were already waiting for them.  Connie’s eyes were red and puffy and she did not look happy to see Steve and Bucky walking back together.  She didn’t say anything, though, and Steve was glad that they weren’t going to fight in the middle of the street.  Still, he felt a surge of guilt. He’d had the most amazing afternoon with Bucky while Connie was having an awful one by herself.  The only reason that they even went there was to support her.

            The car ride home was uncomfortably silent and long.  Steve almost preferred the car ride to the apartment from Lehigh.  Almost.

            When they did finally get back to the apartments, they had almost missed curfew.  They quickly tapped their identification bracelets against the sensors and headed up to bed.  Steve couldn’t sleep over the noise coming from Bucky and Connie’s room. This time it wasn’t sexual.  They were yelling. The whole apartment complex must have heard them. Steve felt too guilty to even open his cassette player and tape, so he stayed up all night listening to the two fight.  This time, he didn’t even wish that they’d split up.

            The next morning, Steve woke up later than usual, completely exhausted.  He’d only gotten about three hours worth of sleep. He yawned as he rubbed his eyes.  There was yelling, only this time, it seemed to becoming from downstairs, from Nat and Clint.  They didn’t seem to be taking the news well. Steve wished that he knew something, but Lehigh just wasn’t the answer.  There _was_ no answer, at least as far as Steve was aware.

            The next few weeks passed in a strange way.  Time didn’t move fast, or too slow, Steve was just painfully aware of the tension that existed in the apartment.  Natasha and Clint tried to remain polite and friendly, but everyone could easily tell that they were devastated by the revelation that Lehigh was not the answer that they had hoped it’d be.  On the other hand Connie and Bucky were flip flopping constantly. They were either fighting or fucking, and Steve wasn’t sure which he hated less, especially since he heard his name come up a lot during the fights.  He was trying his best to just lay low. The only time he wasn’t in his room was during meals and when he needed to shower. The only positive was that the others weren’t exactly seeking him out either, it made it easier to stay under the radar.

            Steve had gotten into the habit of listening to his cassette tape from Bucky while he’d sketch.  He didn’t want to hear the fighting or the fucking, and it was just easier to tune everything out.  He wasn’t dumb, he knew that he wasn’t innocent in all this. Connie had needed them there to support her and they had essentially left her when things got hard.  Still, each time he had tried to talk to Connie she had insisted that everything was fine, despite the fact that Stee heard them yelling about him every other night.  Steve just didn’t have the guts to ask about it. He was afraid that if he pulled on that thread it might all fall apart.

            One morning when Steve was blasting his tape and doodling, Bucky had let himself in the room.  Steve was sure that he probably knocked, but he was used to having his music so loud to drown out Bucky and Connie that he wouldn’t be able to hear a small knock.  

            Steve tore his headphones off when he saw his friend standing at the foot of his bed.  “Shit, Buck. You scared the crap out of me.”

            “Sorry,” Bucky said with a small smile.  “I wanted to check in and see if everything was okay.  We haven’t seen much of you lately.”

            Steve frowned.  “I think Connie likes it better that way.”

            “C’mon, you know that’s not true,” Bucky said as he crossed his arms.  “We both miss you like crazy. I just can’t help but think it has something to do with Staten Island.”

            Of course it had to do with Staten Island.  While his best friend was having an emotional breakdown, Steve had gone off with her boyfriend on a pseudo-date.  He couldn’t exactly explain that to Bucky, though. Bucky thought that everything between them was perfectly innocent, because it was… on Bucky’s part.  Just not on Steve’s. That was a fact that Connie seemed to have become privy to.

           “We should’ve been there for her,” Steve said.  It was half true and it was the part that he could share.  “Instead, we went off and had an adventure in Staten Island.”

            Bucky shook his head.  “C’mon, Stevie. Is the world supposed to stop because Connie had a bad day?”

           “It was a little more than a bad day,” Steve said honestly.  “She was crushed. We were supposed to be there for her and instead, we abandoned her.”

            “I think ‘abandoned’ is a bit of a strong word,” Bucky said.  “We gave her some space. She was the one who stormed off.”

            Steve nodded.  “You’re right, and neither one of us went after her.”

            “Are we supposed to be mind readers now?”

            “Look, I’m not trying to rehash your arguments with her,” Steve said, annoyed.  “I’m just saying that we’re not exactly innocent in all this.”

            Bucky looked down.  “I guess.”

            Steve sighed.  “I’ve tried to talking to her about it, but she keeps insisting that everything’s fine.  I just want to make things right.”

            “There’s nothing either of us can do,” Bucky said as he walked around and sat down on the bed.  “I’ve been thinking about what happened in Staten Island a lot. Can we go for a walk? I don’t really want to discuss it here.  Someone’s always listening.”

            Steve felt uneasy.  Ordinarily, he would have jumped at the opportunity to be alone with Bucky.  Now he wasn’t so sure if that was the best idea. He had a feeling that would only make things with Connie worse.  “I don’t know, Buck. I think the last thing that Connie wants to see is the two of us sneaking around.”

            Bucky made a face.  “I love Connie, but she does not dictate who I spend my time with.  We don’t have enough time on this Earth for it to be finicky about spending time with the people who matter.  You shouldn’t let her control that either. You’re my best friend, Stevie. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

            “Okay,” Steve relented.  He gave in because he was weak.  Bucky was sitting there and telling him that he was going to fight for their friendship.  Maybe it was more than that. He wanted to talk about Staten Island. Maybe he felt the same way that Steve did.  “Let’s go for that walk.”

            Bucky grinned as he practically jumped off the bed.  He held out his hand and Steve took it as he got off the bed.  Bucky led them down the steps and they both absentmindedly tapped their bracelets against the sensors as they began walking down the block.  

            Once they were a few blocks away from the apartment complex, Bucky pulled Steve onto a bench.  “Listen, I’ve been thinking about our trip.”

            Steve nodded, listening carefully to each word.  He wanted to make sure that this was what he thought it was.  “Me too.”

            Bucky smiled as he pushed his hair back with his left hand.  “You know what Clint asked about. I think there might have been something to that.”

            Steve’s brow furrowed.  That wasn’t what he was expecting and it didn’t make much sense.  “The deferrals? I thought we agreed that was a fictional story. No one ever mentioned anything--”

            “Well, they couldn’t just tell us, could they?” Bucky put his hands out in front of them, clearly passionate about his theory.  “If they came right out and told us then everyone would apply.”

            Steve bit his lip, trying to figure out what Bucky was thinking.  “Okay, fine. Let’s say for a second that they had to keep it secretive.  What makes you so sure that the deferrals are real?”

            Bucky was practically beaming.  “The gallery.”

            “I thought Ms. Carter told you that the gallery didn’t matter,” Steve said.

            Bucky shrugged.  “She wasn’t there that long.  Maybe she didn’t know.”

            “But,” Steve paused, still confused.  “What would the gallery have to do with deferrals?  It’s just art from a bunch of kids--”

            “Think about it, Stevie,” Bucky pressed him.  “They have to know whether or not we’re telling the truth, somehow.”

            Steve shook his head.  “I’m sorry, Buck. I still don’t understand.”

            “Okay,” Bucky stopped, and Steve could practically see the wheels in his head turning.  “So you taught me that art is how we show a piece of our souls, right?”

            Steve nodded.  “Yeah, I still don’t see what that has to do with--”

            “Just humor me for a second, Stevie,” Bucky said with a smile.  “So art is how you can see a piece of a person’s soul. In order to know if a couple is telling the truth about being in love, all the Lehigh officials would have to do is look at our art to see if we’re being genuine.”

            Steve crossed his arms and leaned back on the bench.  “You think the gallery was their way of keeping a record of our ‘souls?’”

            Bucky nodded.  “Exactly. You always said that the gallery had to have some purpose.”

            “Did you mention this theory to Clint and Natasha?” Steve asked.  Clint had just gotten his letter announcing that he would begin his donations a few days prior.

            Bucky shook his head.  “No, they never went to Lehigh, so there’d be no record of their souls on file.”

            Steve let out a deep breath.  So that was what this was about.  Bucky was going to tell him that he and Connie were going to try and get a deferral.  “So are you going to apply? You and Connie.”

            Bucky’s smile faltered slightly.  “Well, no.” He laughed nervously.  “It wouldn’t work.”

            Steve felt his heart skip a beat.  Why wouldn’t it work? Was it because Bucky didn’t really love her?  Was he in love with somebody else? Was it Steve? “Why--why would--why don’t you think it’ll work?”

            Bucky smiled sadly.  “Because… you forget, you submitted lots of work for the gallery.  So did Connie. I didn’t submit anything after we turned ten, and none of my work was ever selected leading up to then.  There’s no record of me either.”

            Steve felt his heart crumble to a million pieces.  Why would Bucky even bother to bring him out here and tell him all this if nothing was going to change?  It was almost cruel. Steve shook his head as he stood up from the bench and began walking back to the apartment.

            “Steve--”

            “Bucky, I just can’t,” Steve said, refusing to look back at him as he continued walking.  He couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t keep playing this game over and over. Bucky was with Connie, that wasn’t going to change.  

            Steve practically ran back into the apartment.  He tapped his arm against the sensor and raced back up to his bedroom.  He shut the door behind him and began sketching again. He still couldn’t keep himself from listening to the tape.  It was the only thing he’d have to hold onto, the only thing that gave him any indication that he wasn’t crazy. Friends didn’t do the things that Bucky did for Steve.  It didn’t matter. Even if there was something there, Bucky didn’t choose him.

            He was in there for a few hours.  Bucky hadn’t come to talk to him and Steve was grateful.  He wasn’t even sure how to explain everything to Bucky without ruining everything.  There wasn’t any way for them to talk about it without Steve having to explain why he ran off.  If he told Bucky the truth, then there was almost no chance that he and Connie would have any sort of friendship.  He’d lose both of them.

            Steve’s door creaked open.  Steve put the cassette on pause as Connie entered his bedroom.  She looked livid. Maybe Bucky had put it together after all.

            “You really think that I don’t see it?” She asked as she closed the door behind her.

            “Connie, what--”

            “The way you look at him.”  She laughed bitterly. “I’ve always seen it, Steve.  I just never wanted to accept what it meant.”

            Steve stared at her.  “Connie--”

            “I just thought it was a harmless crush,” she said as she shook her head.  “Then you practically jumped in his arms in Staten Island and he told me about this afternoon.  He said that you freaked out over nothing. James doesn’t realize. He doesn’t know what we know, Steve.”

            “Connie, I never--”

            “Just stop,” She said, her tone was biting.  “He doesn’t see you that way, Steve. He thinks of you as some kid brother, always following after him like a puppy.  That’s all you are _ever_ going to be to him.”  She laughed cynically. “You know he told me, about your little stunt with the porn magazines.  We thought it was funny. I don’t think that he understood, though, not like I did.”

            “Connie,” Steve said, trying to think of anything that he could do to get her to stop.  “What--”

            Connie shushed him.  “Steve, I really never thought it would have to come to this, but… he’s not in love with you.  He never was and he never will be. I know you think that I came in and snatched him away from you at school, but the fact is he’s _never, ever_ seen you that way.  The sooner you accept that, the sooner we can all just move on from this.  I’m not telling you this to upset you. I’m doing you a kindness. The way you’ve been following after him all these years, it used to be sweet.  Now it’s just sad.”

            “Get out,” Steve said quietly.  “Connie, I don’t know what is wrong with you--”

            “I’ll go,” she said matching his volume.  “But it doesn’t change anything that I said.  I hope you can find someone who feels the same way for you, Steve, I do.  That person is just not going to be James.” With that, she turned around and walked out of Steve’s room.

            Steve just stared at the door for a long time after she left.  Nothing that she had said was untrue. Steve knew that much. Regardless, he couldn’t pretend as if he would ever get over Bucky.  He’d tried to for years. He’d crawled into bed with quite a few people just trying to get over him. It hadn’t worked. He’d learned that at Lehigh.  There was only one thing left for him to do--remove himself from the situation.

            He got off the bed and walked down the steps.  He glanced at the clock in the kitchen. He had a few minutes, that was good.  Steve put on his shoes and waited. The truck approached their apartment complex and Steve tapped his wrist against the sensor and walked outside.  The truck driver that dropped them off at the apartments was the same man who brought them food and supplies on a weekly basis. He was also who they spoke to in order to apply to be carers.

            “I’d like to apply to be a carer,” Steve said as he approached the man.  

            “Fine,” he grunted.  “I’ll bring the paperwork over tomorrow.”

            Steve nodded as he took the delivery boxes from the man and walked back into the apartment.  He tapped back in and put the delivery down on the counter. Bucky was staring at him from the living room.  He began walking over to him. Steve just walked back up the steps to his room. He had nothing to say to him.

            The training to be a carer took up most of Steve’s time.  It was a blessing. He didn’t need to stick around the apartments and see Bucky or Connie.  Ironically, they did break up, but Steve was too busy to pay much attention to it. Natasha and Clint were both moved to begin their donations, and Bucky had moved into their old room.  It made it easier. Steve didn’t even have to see him in the hall.

            Eventually, Steve had to be moved from the apartments to begin working with donors.  Steve didn’t even say goodbye to Connie or Bucky. It was strange. They had once shared almost every moment of everyday together and by the time they finally did separate, they’d become nothing short of strangers.

 

 


	3. Complete

 

 

_Ten years later_

            Steve quite enjoyed life as a carer.  Ms. Carter was right, it was thankless work, but it was work that he was proud of nonetheless.  His donors almost always did better than they were expected to, and almost never completed on their first donation.  Steve liked to think that his job was to buy them as much time as possible by keeping their morale up. Still, it was never easy losing a donor.  In the end, they all completed. It could be draining after a while.

            He was living in a different apartment.  It was similar to a motel, but he had his own space, and didn’t have to share it with anyone.  He was about fifteen minutes from the closest hospital, but could easily be assigned to anyone in the tristate area.  It meant a lot of traveling, which meant a lot of driving. That was easily his least favorite part of being a carer. He’d never liked driving.  In fact, Steve had almost considered quitting the program when he found out that he’d have to learn to drive. He was glad that he didn’t.

            Steve showed up at the hospital in tow with chocolate covered pretzels, his donor’s favorite.  Steve walked into the donor ward and made his way over to her. Maria was sitting up in her bed reading a novel.  She’d done extraordinarily well in her last donation. Still, this was number three, it was always the riskiest. It was rare for a donor to survive their third donation.  She seemed to be in good spirits, though, that always helped.

Steve waved the bag of chocolate pretzels in front of her.  “Sorry, I’m late. It took me forever to find the right ones.”

Her face lit up.  “Yes! Wait. I thought I wasn’t allowed to eat before the operation.”

He nodded.  “They’re for when you wake up.”

She laughed.  “Is that supposed to be my incentive?”

Steve shrugged.  “No incentive. Just a treat.  You’re going through a lot. You deserve a nice treat for when you wake up.”

“Thanks,” she said with a smile.  “I can’t wait to have them.”

Steve grinned.  “That’s the spirit.  I’ve talked to the nurse and they said that you’ll have your own room after.  I know last time you weren’t able to recover properly because that roommate of yours wouldn’t stop throwing up all night.”

“You’re a godsend,” she said with a smile

            Steve didn’t get a chance to say anything before the nurses came to take her in for the donation.  He gave her an encouraging smile. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

She didn’t wake up.  That was always the hardest part.  

            Steve was over by the nurses’ station filling out the paperwork when he saw her.  Connie. It was a picture of Connie on the computer screen. He hadn’t spoken to her since the apartments.  From the looks of her chart, she wasn’t doing too well.

            “You know her?”  The nurse, her name was Jane, asked.

            Steve made a face.  “We grew up together.  I haven’t seen her for the better part of a decade.”

            Jane frowned.  “Well, Connie isn’t doing well.  If you want to see her, I’d do it before her next donation.”

            “You think she’ll complete on the next one?” Steve asked, a pit beginning to well in his stomach.

            “I think she _wants_ to complete,” Jane said candidly.  That was always hard for Steve. The others didn’t see donors as people who were losing their lives.  They always talked about completion clinically and emotionlessly. “You probably know better than I, when they want to complete…”

            “They usually do,” Steve finished for her.  “Is there any way I could get a bed for tonight?  I hate driving so late.”

            She nodded.  “Consider it done.”

            “Could you tell me what room Connie is staying in?  I might as well say hello.” Steve smiled politely.

            Jane nodded again.  “323.”

            “Thanks,” Steve said as he began walking down the hall.  He wasn’t sure why he even wanted to go see Connie. Hearing that she might be close to completion had made him feel worse than he thought he would.  He hadn’t seen her in ten years and yet, the idea that she might die made him feel empty. She still meant something to him after all this time.

            When he got to her room, she wasn’t in there.  He heard coughing coming from the bathroom. She was probably in there.  Steve walked over to her bed. He saw her old fake porcelain doll on the bedside table.  Somehow, the doll’s hair was still as gorgeous as it was the first day that Connie got it from the sale.  It made Steve feel even worse.

            “Steve?”

            He turned around to see Connie standing there.  She looked different. Her eyes were sullen and she was paler than Steve had ever seen her.  Her hair was askew and she could hardly stand up straight. She was nothing like she used to be.  The girl he’d known used to stand so tall, and always made sure that she was put together. She was nothing like the person standing in front of him,

            “Let me help you,” Steve said as he grabbed her arm and led her back over to the bed.

            She smiled at him.  “I’m so glad that you’re here.  I always knew we’d see each other again.  I know it sounds silly, but I knew I couldn’t complete without seeing you one last time.”

            _One last time_.  Was Steve really going to leave it at that?  “I’m not going anywhere,” Steve said, he didn’t even think he was going to say it.  It just slipped out. “I’m spending the night and I thought we could catch up for a while.  That is if it’s all right with you.”

            “That would be amazing.”  She beamed at him.

            “I saw your chart,” Steve said as he put the blankets over her.  “You made two donations. You look--”

            “Like crap,” she said with a weak smile.  “I hear you’re doing well. I’ve kept tabs on you over the years.  I always knew you’d be a good carer. It seems like you’re really happy.  I don’t think I’d have been a good carer.”

            Steve shrugged.  “I don’t know. You always had a way with people.  And you look the same. You don’t look like ‘crap’,” Steve lied.

            She laughed.  “God! Don’t say that.  I used to put a lot of time in effort into my appearance.  I certainly hope that this was not the end result back then.”

            “You know what I mean,” Steve said as he sat down in the chair next to her bed.  “You still look like Connie. That’s more than some people can say.”

            She nodded.  “Have you kept up with anyone from school?”

            Steve shook his head.  “No. Well… I ran into Brock a few years back.”

            “Were you his carer?”

            “God, no.”  Steve rubbed his forehead.  “He was at the same facility as one of my donors.  He completed on his second donation.”

            “I heard that Jack completed on his first,” she said quietly.  

            Steve nodded.  “That happens.”

            “More often than they’d ever told us,” she said bitterly.  She wasn’t wrong. Steve had seen the numbers. While his donors rarely completed on their first donation, it wasn’t exactly rare for donors, in general.

            “Have you gotten your letter yet?”

            He shook his head.  “Not yet. It’s only a matter of time.  I think they’re putting it off a little bit due to how well my donors have been doing.  Still. It’s just until they need my organs.”

            “Have you seen James?”  She asked quietly.

            Steve shook his head.  “No, I really haven’t kept up with anyone.  Not like you, apparently.”

            “He’s done two donations too, but he’s not like me.”  She smiled sadly. “He’s doing really well. In fact, he’s doing better than most do after their first.  Leave it to James. He’ll outlive us all.”

            Steve nodded, and he felt warmth rush over him.  Bucky hadn’t completed yet, and he was doing well.  Well enough for Connie to say that Bucky would outlive them.  God, he hoped that were true. He’d never stopped loving Bucky.  He’d just stopped waiting around for him. Still, the idea of Bucky dying first… Steve wasn’t sure he’d survive that.  “That happens sometimes too.”

            “Are you going to tell me about the boy overseas who gave seven donations before he completed?”  Connie laughed.

            “No,” Steve said honestly.  “I don’t operate on false hope.  What they don’t tell you about that boy is that his first two donations were nonvital.  I’m talking bone marrow, and an eye. Things that almost anyone comes back from. It’s not the same thing.  I’ve had some donors make it to four. One or two to five. Never more than that.”

            “Thank you,” she said, her face was purely honest.  She seemed so relieved that no one was spewing nonsense at her.  “If I hear my carer go on about that stupid boy one more time…”

Steve laughed.  “You haven’t changed a bit, Connie.”

“Steve, about the apartments--”

“Water under the bridge, Connie,” Steve said honestly.  They’d both done things they weren’t proud of.

She nodded.  “Good. I’m glad.”

Steve wound up spending the whole next day at Connie’s bed side too.  He hadn’t been assigned a new donor yet, and he wasn’t anxious to get a new one either.  He was enjoying his time with Connie. They were able to get along as if almost no time had passed.  Steve hadn’t realized how much he’d missed her.

They were sitting in her room.  Connie was braiding her doll’s hair while Steve was sketching her.  He’d never drawn Connie. Now he feared that if he didn’t do it soon, then he’d never get the chance.

“I’ve been thinking,” she announced.

            “That’s new,” Steve teased her as he placed his sketchbook and pencil down.

            She made a face.  “I thought we could take a trip.”

            Steve frowned.  “I can call your carer and ask.  I’m not sure if he’ll agree.”

            Connie pouted.  “I’m sure he’ll feel better about it knowing that I’m with a carer.”

            “Did you have any place in mind?” Steve asked.

            “Coney Island,” she said and there was a glint in her eye that Steve hadn’t seen since their school days.

            “Did you want to see that beached boat?  I’ve heard some of the other carers talking about it,” Steve asked her.

            She nodded.  “I’ve heard it’s nice and relaxing.”

            “I’ll see what I can do,” Steve said honestly.

            “I was hoping,” she continued.  “That we could check in on James.  He’s still in Brooklyn. He’s not too far from there.  He’s practically on the way.”

            Steve swallowed.  He really didn’t want to see Bucky.  He wasn’t sure what he could possibly say to him.  Still, he couldn’t bring himself to deny Connie her dying wish.  “I’ll put in a call.”

            She grinned widely.  “The three amigos, back together again.”

            “Don’t get your hopes up,” Steve said warningly.  “We still need to get approval from _both_ of your carers.  If his carer or yours says no, there’s nothing I can do.”

            Her grin didn’t fade.  “They won’t say no. I can’t complete without having one last hurrah with my two boys.”  Steve hoped she was right.

            Connie _was_ right after all.  It took very little convincing on Steve’s part to get both carers to agree to to the trip.  They were in Westchester county so it would take a little while to get to Bucky, but if they left early enough, they’d still have plenty of time to drop Bucky off and get back in time for curfew.  It would be tight, but Steve was confident that they could make it.

            He and Connie left around 6 AM to go get Bucky.  They didn’t get to him until almost 8 AM due to traffic and Steve’s less than professional driving skills.  He never thought that he would ever have to drive through Brooklyn during rush hour. He was wrong, and hoped that he wouldn’t ever have to do it again.

            When they finally arrived at Bucky’s medical center, Connie began to panic.  “You’re sure that he knows we’re coming?”

            Steve nodded.  “Yes. I spoke to his carer.”

            “Does he know where to meet us?” She asked frantically.  “What if we take too long to get to him and we can’t make it to the boat?”

            “He’s going to be waiting out front for us.” Steve said calmly.  “I told his carer to expect us around this time. Worst case scenario, I can just call the center and tell them to send him out.”

            She nodded, and seemed to relax for a second.  It was only a second. “What if he doesn’t recognize us.”

            Steve had to laugh at that one.  “We haven’t changed that much, Connie.  If he doesn’t recognize us then he’s in worse shape than you thought.”

            Steve pulled up to the main building.  Sure enough, Bucky was standing outside waiting for him.  His hair was much shorter than the last time he’d seen it, not that it was ever very long.  It looked like he’d had a buzz cut. He wondered if that was the medical center’s call.

            Steve felt his heart stop.  After all this time, Bucky could still make him feel like that little boy back at Lehigh.  Afraid that Bucky was just going to open his eyes one day and realize that he didn’t need Steve.  He still looked perfect. Steve wanted to go back to Lehigh, back to the time when anything seemed possible, and Bucky wouldn’t feel farther away than he actually was.  

            “I don’t think he sees us,” Connie spoke up, bringing Steve back to reality.

            Steve put the car in park and got out of the car.  Bucky made eye contact and broke out into a huge grin.  He started walking over when Steve saw it, or rather didn’t see it.  Bucky’s left arm was gone. They must have taken it. Steve felt sick.  He couldn’t imagine how terrifying it must have been for Bucky to wake up without an arm.

            “Hey,” Bucky said as he threw his right arm around Steve.

            Steve held onto him tightly.  He was afraid that if he let go, then Bucky would disintegrate in front of him.  He smelled the same. Steve didn’t even realize that Bucky had a distinct scent until that moment.  He missed it. Bucky pulled away, still grinning.

            Steve cleared his throat.  “Connie’s in the car.”

            Bucky nodded as he jogged over to see Connie.  He opened the car door and hugged her. “Hey, Con.”

            “Hi,”  she said as she squeezed him briefly before letting go.  

            “Do you need help getting in the car?” Steve asked, as Bucky shut Connie’s door.

            Bucky shook his head.  “Nah. I’m all right, Stevie.”

            _Stevie_.  Steve had never been so happy that Bucky called him that silly nickname.  He wasn’t sure what he’d do if Bucky had called him Steve. But he hadn’t.  After all this time, Bucky still called him Stevie.

            Steve got in the driver’s seat and waited until Bucky was buckled in the back.  He drove them to Coney Island and Connie was right. It wasn’t far from where Bucky was at all.  That alone provided a huge relief. When they got there, Bucky got out of the car almost immediately and his face lit up.  It was a sight to see. The abandoned amusement park stood there along with the beached boat. It was almost something out of a science fiction novel.

            Steve helped Connie out of the car while Bucky started to make his way over.  “He seems quieter,” Connie said with a frown. “He never used to shut up.”

            She was right.  Steve didn’t need to say anything else.  Bucky was smiling at least, which was more than could be said for Connie.  Still, he’d been through two donations. That changed people. Steve led Connie over to the beach.  Bucky had already made it over to the boat.

            “Wow,” she said, catching her breath.  “It really is something.”

            Steve nodded as she leaned on him and Steve tried his best to lead her in the right direction.  The sand really was not supportive and made it more difficult for Connie to get a handle on her footing.  Bucky must’ve seen this because he came back over to them. He scooped his arm around her back and helped lead her over to the boat.  

Steve didn’t understand what the appeal was with the boat.  It was small and cramped, but there was a bed. Steve imagined that had most of the appeal.  

“Do you want to rest, Connie?” Bucky asked as she began walking around on her own.

She shook her head.  “No. I’m all right.”

They didn’t actually spend too much time in the boat.  It really was too cramped for all three of them to fit in there.  They were sitting on the sand next to the boat, watching the waves crash in.

“It’s weird,” Bucky said, disrupting the silence.  Steve didn’t mind though, he always loved the sound of Bucky’s voice.  “I was always worried I’d never see you two again. I’m glad that we did this.”

Steve nodded.  “Me too. Thank, Connie.  This was all her.” It was true.  When he first left the apartments, Steve was sure he would see them again.  As the years went on however, Steve had started to get used to the idea that if he ever saw them again, it would probably be before a donation… or worse completion.

Connie shook her head.  “If it wasn’t for Steve, then I’d still be cooped up in a bed waiting to complete.  If he hadn’t walked into my room that day, none of us would be here.”

Steve sighed.  “It doesn’t matter.  What matters is that the three of us are here.  Scars and all.”

“You know,” Bucky said with a laugh.  His laugh still sounded like a song. “I almost thought that everything was going to be exactly the same.  That it’d feel like no time had passed, but it doesn’t feel like that, does it?”

            “No,” Steve agreed.  “It definitely does not.”

            Connie nodded.  “I think we’re too damaged for that.  We’ve all changed too much for it to feel the same.”

            Steve glanced at his watch.  Shit. They were getting dangerously close to missing curfew.  He’d felt like they just arrived. “A few more minutes and then I’ve got to get you two back--”

            “I have a confession,” Connie said quietly.  “I just hope you two will find a way to forgive me after it.”

            Steve gave her a look.  After ten years what could she possibly have to confess?  It couldn’t be anything too serious. It had to have been from over ten years ago.  “Connie, whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not a big deal--”

            “I kept the two of you apart.  Back at Lehigh. I know that I played dumb, as if there was nothing going on between the two of you, but… I was scared.  After everything Ms. Carter told us, I was terrified of dying alone. I knew exactly which buttons to press. I knew that James felt the same way too.  It was easier for us to just go on as if we were in love,” Connie took a deep breath. “I always knew that he had feelings for you, Steve. I just… I was so scared.  I think that I found a way to make it up to you, though.”

            Steve stared at her, dumbfounded.  What she was saying wasn’t making any sense.  She and Bucky were together for eight years. That had to have meant something.  Besides, if Bucky had feelings for Steve, why would he have chosen Connie in the first place?  Steve hadn’t exactly been subtle at Lehigh. “Connie… Bucky never… it takes… there are two people in every relationship--”

            “Steve,” she said softly.  “I told him that the reason you were so upset was because you had a crush on Ms. Carter.  He thought you liked girls.”

            Steve shook his head.  That still didn’t make sense.  Steve liked both girls and boys, Bucky knew that.  Bucky had caught him making out with Donnie B. when they were seventeen years old.  They’d even talked about it. It wasn’t a secret. “So? He still chose to be with you for _eight_ years. If he didn’t feel something, then he should’ve ended it.”

            “I did,” Bucky spoke up.  “Back at the apartments.”

            Steve’s head shot to him and it was taking all his willpower not to scream at the both of them.  The apartments were too late. Bucky had the opportunity to tell Steve if he felt that way. They’d gone on countless walks, their trip to Staten Island, their talk afterwards.  If Bucky felt that way, why wouldn’t he have said anything? “ _Eight.  Years._  You were with her for eight years.  If you _never_ loved her, then you owe her an apology.”

            Bucky frowned.  “Of course I loved her.  I just wasn’t _in_ love with her.  I never really understood the difference up until then.”

            “Why didn’t you say anything?” Steve asked desperately.  He wasn’t sure if he really believed it. Maybe he was afraid to.  If he believed it, that would mean that he could have been with Bucky all that time.  The idea made him sick. “ _Either_ of you?”

            “I was ashamed,” Connie confessed.  “I really did care about James. But I knew that I didn’t love him, and after the horrible things I said… Steve, I was too immature to admit that I was wrong.”

            Steve looked to Bucky, who gave him a sad smile.  “I always thought you were in love with Connie, Stevie.”

            Steve stood up and started walking towards the water.  Of all the things he was expecting from the trip, this was not part of it.  Connie was willing to take full responsibility for what happened, but it wasn’t just her that was to blame.  Bucky should have said something… and Steve should have too.

            “Steve, wait!” Connie called to him.  “I think I know how to make this right--”

            “How?” Steve yelled as he turned back around to face the both of them.  There was no way to make it right. Bucky’s next donation would be his third.  Most donors complete on their third. That would give them a few months at best.  There was no way to fix any of that. “How is any of this supposed to be all right?  You’ve both started donating, so it’s only a matter of …” He couldn’t bring himself to finish that sentence.

“Listen to me,” Connie said softly as she struggled to stand up on her own.  “I told you that I’ve been keeping tabs on Lehigh.” Bucky stood up and helped Connie.  She smiled thankfully at him.

            “So what?” Steve asked.  He had no desire to hear about what Donnie B or Bonnie were up to.  “What difference does it make? We know which people _died_ , so what?”

            “I found out about the deferrals.  I know who you have to apply to,” she said, desperation in her voice.  “I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I’ve done and I knew that if I ever saw either of you again, I’d have to make it right.  Please, just hear me out--”

            “There _are no_ deferrals,” Steve said frustratedly.  Even if there were, what difference would it make?  Bucky had already donated twice. “There never were!  It was just some story that some kid told Clint, who completed on his second, by the way.”

            “Please,” Connie begged him.  “Hear me out. I know that it’s far from a sure thing, but James was right.  The gallery _had_ to be for something.  I’ve done my research. There was never a brick and mortar gallery.”

            Steve looked at her.  He put his hands on his hips and looked down, trying to stay as calm as possible.  Nothing about Lehigh made any sense. That much became clearer and clearer the longer they were away from there.  Why provide children with a first class education if they were only going to be sent off to a butcher farm? The gallery didn’t even make it to the top ten things about Lehigh that didn’t make sense. “What does that have to do with anything?”

            “What were they doing with that art, Steve?” Bucky said as Connie caught her breath. “Think about it.  The art had to have some purpose.”

            Steve let out a breath.  If Bucky was suggesting this, then there must have been some truth to what he was saying.  Bucky _loved_ him.  Bucky loved _him_.  It all felt like a dream and a nightmare all at once.  “Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you’re right.  Lehigh closed _years_ ago.  Who would we even go to?  Who knows if the deferral program, if it even existed, is still in place?”

            “I know it’s not perfect,” Connie admitted.  “But this is your best shot. Let me try and make up for the lost time that you two had.”  She began rifling through her small bag and pulled out a small piece of paper. “It’s Mr. Jarvis’s address.  You’d need to apply through him.”

            Steve shook his head and turned away from them.  This was insanity. There was no way that this could be happening.  

            “Stevie,” Bucky said softly.   Hearing him say it so soft made Steve want to just hold onto Bucky tight and never let go.  “Look, if you don’t feel that way anymore, or if you never did then we’ll drop it, okay? I know it’s been a long time.  If there’s someone else… I understand.”

            Steve turned back around to face them again.  How could he think that? After all that time he spent chasing after him, how could Bucky think that there was ever someone else?  “Of course there’s no one else. There’s never been anyone else. Bucky,” Steve sighed. “This is crazy. You realize that? You’ve already donated… twice.  I mean… deferrals…”

“Steve, this is our best shot,” Bucky said, still holding onto Connie.  “Can we at least talk about it?”

Steve looked at his watch.   They had to get going, and he still needed to digest all this information.  “Shit. We’ve got to get going, otherwise we’ll miss curfew.”

“Stevie--” Bucky began.

“Not, now,” Steve said as he held onto the other side of Connie.  She gripped his shoulder tightly. He just couldn’t deal with this right now.  He needed to get them back safe. After that he could figure out everything they were saying to him.  “Take the address, Steve. Just take it so you can think about it.”

Steve relented as he took the paper from her hand and began leading her back towards the car.  “We’ll think about it.”

She seemed to relax a bit at that and it made navigating her back to the car a little bit easier.  Steve buckled her into the car and closed the door behind her.

Bucky was still standing next to the car.  “Stevie, can we please--”

            “We’ve got to be back before curfew, Buck,” Steve said, refusing to look at him.  He couldn’t look at him. If he looked at him then Steve was afraid he would just start crying.  If Steve started crying over Bucky, he might not ever stop. “Just get in the car. Please?”

            Bucky nodded as he opened the door to the backseat and sat down.  Steve took a moment outside before he walked around the car to the driver’s side.  The drive to Bucky’s facility was long, painfully so. What had felt like a short pit stop had turned into the longest drive of Steve’s life.  

            Steve pulled up to the front of Bucky’s facility.  Bucky squeezed Connie’s shoulder with his hand. She took her hand and grasped his tightly for a moment before releasing it.  Bucky stepped out of the car and walked over to Steve’s side of the car. He knocked on the window.

            Steve sighed as he rolled the window down.  “Yeah, Buck?”

            Bucky smiled sadly at him.  “I get that you’re pissed and you’ve got every right to be, but c’mon, Stevie.  Will you at least come see me? After all this time… I don’t want to spend any more time away from you.”

            Steve nodded.  “We have a lot to talk about, but… I’ll stop by next week.  We can talk. Right now, I’ve got to get Connie back. Go tap in.  You’ll be hearing from me soon.”

            Bucky let out a sigh of relief.  “Good-- _great_.  I’m looking forward to it.”  He leaned through the window and pressed his lips softly to the top of Steve’s forehead.  It felt so nice, that Steve almost forgot that he was mad. Almost.

            Steve watched Bucky walk inside the facility before he pulled out of the lot and headed back to Westchester.  There was less traffic on the road and they managed to get back about an hour before curfew. It was lucky. If they’d hit as much traffic as they had on the way there, then they’d have barely made it back in time.

            He helped Connie back to her bedroom.  Just as he was helping her get situated for bed, she gave him a smile.  “I understand. If you never want to hear from me again. I just hope you’ll forgive me someday.”

            Steve smiled tightly.  “There’s nothing to forgive.  We all should have done things differently.  We were kids… _scared_ kids.  I don’t blame you, Connie.  I could have spoken up, and Bucky should have too.  You weren’t the only one at fault.”

            “Still,” she said sadly.  “Tell me you’ll apply for the deferral.  This way you could get back some of the time that I stole.”

            Steve shrugged.  “We’re gonna look into it, Connie.  Bucky and I haven’t even seen each other in ten years before today.  There’s a lot of stuff we’ve got to talk about.”

            She nodded.  “Still. I hope you apply.  You two deserve it.”

            Steve sighed as he walked out of the room.  He still had a lot to process. He glanced at the clock.  It was too late for him to head back to his apartment. He’d never make it back in time for curfew.  That meant he’d have to stay the night at the facility again. He’d really missed his bed. Steve looked at the piece of paper that Connie had given him.  There was an address written on there. Steve wasn’t too sure that it was even Mr. Jarvis’s address. How reliable could Connie’s source be? She seemed to be mostly operating on gossip, still.  It was a start.

            Steve spent the following few days at his own apartment.  He was trying to do research on Lehigh, to see if there was any truth to the deferrals.  As far as he could tell, there were none. In fact, the only thing that he kept coming across was the “Banner incident.”  Yet, there was no mention of what that incident actually was.

Still, Connie was right.  There was no mention of any gallery formed by Edwin Jarvis.  So where had all their art gone? Where was it? What was the purpose of it?  He looked back down at the address that Connie had written. He could drive up there and see for himself.  Maybe it was where Mr. Jarvis lived. Before he took a trip over there though, he needed to go see Bucky. The two of them had to talk before they even considered applying for a deferral.

            Steve drove up to see Bucky the next day.  Steve’s apartment was in between both Connie and Bucky’s facilities.  It made the drive a lot easier, coming from Queens rather than Westchester.  Steve parked his car and entered the building, he tapped his bracelet against the sensor and walked over to the desk.  

            “Can I help you?” The receptionist asked.

            Steve smiled politely.  “I was looking for James B., he’s a donor.  I’m his new carer.” All it had taken was a few phone calls for Steve to become Bucky’s carer.  He figured it would give them some more time together even if the deferrals turned out to be a bust.

            “Let me see where he is,” she said as she began typing away on her computer.  “He should be in the rec room right now. I can have him meet you in his room if you’d like.”

            Steve shrugged.  “I can just go get him in the rec room.  Just point me in the right direction.”

            “It’s down the hall to your left.  You’ll hear it before you see it,” she said as she went back to doing her paperwork.

            “Thank you,” Steve said as he began heading down the hall.  She was right. Steve certainly heard a lot of noise coming from that direction.  Steve opened the door and there was absolute chaos in the room. Some were playing board games, others watching a sports game on the TV.  Steve scanned the room for Bucky. He was sitting at a table… reading a book. He looked up and met Steve’s eyes. His whole face lit up. Bucky stood up and jogged over to where Steve was standing.

            “Hey,” Bucky said as he threw his arm around Steve’s waist, pulling him close.  “I’m glad you came.”

            Steve put both his arms around Bucky’s neck as Bucky rested his head on Steve’s shoulder.  It felt so good to be back in his grasp. “Me too, Buck. I’m glad I came too.”

            Bucky pulled away from him.  “Let’s go somewhere more private.  We won’t be able to talk much in here.  Besides, I want to show you something.”

            Steve nodded.  “Lead the way.”

            Bucky took his hand and began leading him down the hall.  They turned the corner and Bucky led them into another room.  This had to be his bedroom. Bucky’s baseball cards were on the bedside table.

            “I wasn’t sure you would come back,” Bucky said as he sat on the edge of the bed.  “I was worried that Connie and I may have scared you off.”

            Steve shook his head as he sat down on the chair beside the bed.  “You’re not getting rid of me that easily, Buck.” Steve took Bucky’s hand again and rubbed it with his thumb.  He felt his heart swell. This was real. He was with Bucky, and Bucky loved him. This was all real.

            “What are you thinking?” Bucky asked quietly as he stood in front of Steve.  He lifted their hands to his lips and pressed them to Steve’s hand.

            Steve smiled at him as his hand burned with the warmth.  It was the most amazing thing Steve had ever felt in his life.  “I can’t believe… you…” he paused, thinking. “You really love me?”

            Bucky nodded as he kissed his hand again.  “I,” he kissed Steve’s hand a third time, “fucking,” another kiss, this time to Steve’s forehead, “love,” Steve’s cheek, “you.”  The last one landed right on Steve’s lips. It was chaste and sweet, and Steve didn’t even realize that he was crying until Bucky wiped his tears away with his hand.  “Shit, Stevie. What’d I do?”  
            Steve shook his head.  “No, no.” He laughed. “I’m just so… happy.”

            Bucky grinned as he kissed him sweetly again.  “Me too, Stevie. I’m pretty fucking happy too.”

            Steve kissed him back as he stood up, deepening the kiss a bit.  It had been a while since he’d last kissed anyone, and he never thought that he’d ever get to kiss Bucky.  It was better than he ever imagined it would be. Bucky was so sweet and gentle, and Steve was torn between revelling in it and wanting Bucky to be a little less careful with him.  

            They broke apart and Steve rested his head against Bucky’s forehead.  As much as he wanted to keep kissing Bucky, they had a lot to discuss.  Bucky smiled as he looked into Steve’s eyes. “I take it you’re not just here to do this.  Although if that’s what you wanted, I wouldn’t exactly be opposed.”

            Steve practically whined as he unraveled himself from Bucky’s grasp.  “As nice as that would be… I think we do have some stuff to talk about.”

            Bucky nodded as he sat back down on the bed.  “I’m all ears. Do you… I mean, you must have questions.”

            That was an understatement.  However, Steve wasn’t there to ask about any of that.  The answers didn’t matter. He knew all that he needed to.  Steve loved Bucky and Bucky loved him right back. That was all that mattered.  “Actually, it’s my turn to surprise you.”

            “Yeah?” Bucky raised his eyebrow.  “I thought that was _my_ job.”

            Steve smiled as he felt his face flush.  “I called in a few favors. Starting today, I am your new carer.”

            Bucky’s eyes widened.  “Are you fucking with me?  Stevie, please tell me that you’re not fucking with me right now.”

            Steve laughed as he shook his head. “I’m serious, Buck.  We’ve spent so much time apart. I don’t know if there’s anything to Connie’s theory about deferrals, but I’m going to make sure that at the very least, we can spend as much time as possible together.  I’m sure my donations will start soon, yours have already started. I just… I don’t want to spend anymore time away from you if I can help it.”

            Bucky grinned as he stood up, grabbed the side of Steve’s face and kissed him deeply.  Their tongues danced and Steve felt his face getting redder and redder. He felt warm and safe as he threw his arms around Bucky’s neck, desperate to get closer to him.  Bucky’s arm snaked around Steve’s waist, tugging them even closer together.

            When their lips finally detached, they stayed embraced for a few moments.  “I take it you’re glad that I’m your new carer?”  
            Bucky grinned as he quickly pecked Steve’s lips twice.  “Well yeah, you should’ve seen my old one. She was too sunshiney for me.”

            Steve shrugged.  “That doesn’t sound too awful.”

            “Well she also wasn’t as attractive as my new carer is,” Bucky said as he sat back down on the bed.  “But to be fair, he’s kind of in a league of his own.”

            Steve grinned as he sat back down.  “I don’t mean to bring down the mood, but… Bucky, about the deferrals… we discussed an issue with your… _eligibility_ before.  I mean… that still hasn’t changed.  Even if your theory is right, you never submitted anything to the gallery.”

            Bucky smirked.  “Not yet, I haven’t.”  He scooted over to the bedside table and opened up the top drawer.  He pulled out a sketchbook and a few folders. “I’ve been busy since you left the apartment.  I knew that if we were ever going to have a shot at this, I would have to bear my soul, if you will.”

            Steve didn’t understand what Bucky was talking about, until Bucky opened the folders. There were dozens of drawings in each of the pockets, Steve could only imagine how many were in the sketchbook.  “You drew all these?”

            Bucky hummed.  “It’s a lot harder now.  I still have my right hand, but… I can’t exactly hold the paper still.  What do you think? I know that they’re not as good as yours--”

            “They’re incredible,” Steve said honestly as he stood up and walked over to the bed.  He pointed to one of the folders. “Do you mind?”

            Bucky shook his head.  “Be my guest.”

            Steve picked up one of the folders and began looking through the art.  It really was amazing. It was a different style from Steve’s stuff, mostly color work and nonrepresentational pieces, but still they were a sight to be seen.  “Wow.”

            “I figure it’ll also help if they look at your stuff and see that sketch of me that you submitted,” Bucky said as he scratched the back of his neck.  “I guess we should have known back then too, huh?”

            “I knew,” Steve said.  “I knew I was in love with you that first day when I sat and ate lunch with you.”

            Bucky was grinning.  Steve couldn’t remember seeing him smile so widely.  “Really? It took me a little longer to catch on. I knew that you were my best friend and that there was something else there, but I think I really figured out what it meant when I walked in on you making out with Donnie B.”

            Steve blushed, and he cursed his complexion.  “Seriously? We were like seventeen.”

            Bucky nodded.  “I was so pissed.  I remember Connie thought that I was going through one of my rages again, like when we were younger.  I couldn’t even tell her why I was so upset. I was just livid. That was when I figured out that I was just mad because I wanted to be the one kissing you.”

            “Well, to be fair, I had to listen to you and Connie screwing almost every single night at  the apartments, so I think we’re more than even,” Steve said, rolling his eyes.

            Bucky smiled sadly.  “Sorry about that.”

            Steve shrugged.  “I guess I don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

            “Definitely not, Stevie,” Bucky said with a smile.

“The next step is to go see if the address that Connie gave me is legitimate.  I was thinking about taking a drive down there, just to see if Mr. Jarvis really is there,” Steve said as he sat back down.

Bucky nodded.  “Okay, did you tell Connie that you were looking into all this?”

Steve shook his head.  “I wanted to wait until I discussed everything with you first.  I wanted to make sure that we were on the same page.” He wanted to make sure that Bucky’s feelings were genuine.

“You should tell her.  I know she feels awful about what happened,” Bucky said.

Steve sighed.  “Yeah, well, she certainly played her part in this situation.”  He tried not to be resentful, but it had been so hard for Steve to see, and hear, the two of the together.  To find out that it was all because Connie was playing with them stung more than Steve cared to admit.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Bucky asked.  “I know this whole thing is still pretty weird.”

“I just… Connie could have been with any guy she wanted.  I don’t know why she felt that she needed it to be you. I’m sorry, I know how that sounds, but, Bucky I’ve been in love with you for the past eighteen years and I couldn’t even do anything about it because she was with my best friend,” Steve said as he rubbed his forehead.

            Bucky looked at his feet.  “I’m sorry. It was easy for me to pretend that nothing was between us.  Things with Connie were easier. I think that’s why we lasted so long. It didn’t really matter so we didn’t really fight much until we got to the apartments.  Still, I should have just ended things with her once I realized that I had feelings for you. I just thought you were waiting for us to break up so you could date her instead though.”

            Steve shook his head.  “I’ve never felt that way for Connie, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t feel that for me either.  It’s only ever been you, Bucky.”

            Bucky took Steve’s hand again.  “I’m sorry, Steve.”

            “Don’t be,” Steve said sadly.  “I should have said something too.  Now that I’ve got you though, I’m never letting go.”

            Bucky smiled tightly.  “Can we get out of here?”

            Steve nodded.  “Yeah--um--sure.  Did--did you want to go some place in particular?”

            Bucky shrugged.  “Any place where we don’t have to worry about getting interrupted.”

            Steve felt his face get even redder than before.  “Really? Right now? Are you sure?”

            Bucky laughed.  “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

            Steve laughed nervously.  “No--no. I--I want to, believe me I want to.  I just… we… Bucky I never thought you’d want to.  It’s just… I haven’t…”

            “You haven’t?” Bucky asked concerned.

            “No!” Steve said almost too quickly.  “I have, just… not in a while.”

            Bucky took a deep breath.  “We really don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

            “I want to,” Steve said honestly.  “I just, I didn’t bring anything with me.”

            Bucky laughed.  “How about you get the car around and I’ll get the stuff.”

            “How?”

            “We’re in a medical facility, Steve. I’ve made friends with some of the nurses.  I can get us what we need.” Bucky stood up and kissed Steve sweetly. “But seriously, babe, if you don’t want to, I’m fine staying here and talking or doing anything else.  I don’t care so long as we’re together.”

            Steve nodded as he kissed him back.  “I want to. I can sign you out for the day and bring the car around.”

            Steve walked out of the room and headed over to the front desk.  He filled out the necessary paperwork, which only took him about a minute.  Hardly anyone cared about what a donor got up to in their freetime. The only thing that mattered was that they got back before curfew.

            Steve pulled the car in front and waited anxiously for Bucky to come around.  After a few minutes, Bucky came back to the car with a mischievous grin on his face.  

            “You get everything okay?” Steve asked, feeling his face get red again.  

            Bucky nodded.  “It’s all here.”

            “Are you sure?” Steve asked nervously.

            “Yeah, I’m sure, Stevie,” Bucky said.  “You seem pretty… fidgety about this. We really don’t--”

            “Bucky,” Steve groaned.  “I want to, okay? I promise.  I just want to make sure we’re safe.”

            “We’re safe, babe,” Bucky said calmly.  “I’ve got everything we need.”

            Steve nodded as he began driving away from the medical facility.  He didn’t know the area too well, but he knew of one spot where they could go.  Hopefully they were the only ones with this idea.

            Steve pulled into the parking lot on Coney Island where he’d been with Bucky and Connie.  “The boat?” Bucky asked.

            Steve nodded.  “It was the only place I could think of.  I think there’s a bed there.”

            Bucky kissed him sweetly.  “What a romantic.”

            Steve shoved him playfully.  “It was the only thing that came to mind.  If you don’t like it, we can--”

            “Nope,” Bucky said, shaking his head.  “It’s perfect. Let’s go.”

            Steve took a deep breath as he got out of the car.  He followed behind Bucky as they began walking down the beach.  Steve felt like his heart was beating a mile a minute. He hadn’t been with anyone in years.  He still couldn’t believe that Bucky cared for him, and the idea that they had just snuck off for sex was something he was having a hard time wrapping his head around.

            Bucky made it to the boat first, but he waited on the sand for Steve to catch up.  Steve felt even more nervous than he was during his first time. This was different.  This was Bucky. This mattered.

            “You okay?” Bucky asked as Steve finally reached him.

            Steve nodded.  He was sure that he looked as nervous as he felt.  “Yeah. I’m good. Why--why do you ask?”

            “You look like you’re about to have a heart attack,” Bucky said with a laugh.

            Steve took a deep breath.  “It’s just been a while and it’s you, and I feel like if I pinch myself, I might wake up in my apartment alone.”

            Bucky took Steve’s hand and kissed it.  “This is real, it’s you and me. Nothing else matters.  I’m kind of out of practice too.”

            Steve snorted.  “Bucky, you knew exactly who to get condoms and lube from.  It took you about ten minutes.”

            Bucky looked down.  “All right, maybe I’ve had more practice than you.  It’s still not like I’ve been screwing around every other day.”

            “That’s a relief,” Steve said sarcastically.  

            “We really don’t--”

            “Do not finish that sentence,” Steve said warningly.  He walked over to the boat and climbed inside. “Are you coming or not?”  
            Bucky opened his mouth and then closed it.  He followed Steve inside the boat, and out of the sand.

            Steve forgot how cramped it was in there.  It didn’t matter, though, they were about to get a lot closer.  Steve walked over to the bed and practically jumped ten feet in the air when Bucky reached out and touched his shoulder.  “Sorry,” Steve said immediately.

            Bucky laughed.  “Yeah, okay, let’s slow things down for a second, all right?  Why don’t we just hang out for a little while? We’ve got all day, babe.  Let’s just relax for a bit. Sound good?”

            Steve nodded frantically.  “Yeah--yeah. That’s a good idea.”

            Bucky smiled as he kissed Steve sweetly and sat down on the bed.  “Next time, we should go catch a baseball game first. We used to watch all the time back at the apartments.”

            Steve had forgotten about that.  “That’s a good idea. We never did get to go see a game in person.”

            “Consider it part of my bucket list,” Bucky said.  He was trying to make a joke, but it just made Steve feel nauseous.  He’d just gotten Bucky back. He wasn’t prepared to lose him again.

            “You have a list?” Steve asked.  If Bucky had a bucket list, then Steve was going to do everything in his power to make it happen.

            Bucky shook his head.  “Only if two things count as a list.”

            “What’s the other one?” Steve asked as he sat down at the small table across from the bed, relaxing a bit.

            “This.  Right here.  Spending time with you,” Bucky said lovingly.

            Steve smiled at that.  He could do this. He could spend time with Bucky.  He could be his person. Steve took out his sketchbook that he’d been carrying in his messenger bag.  He always kept his essentials with him. He showed Bucky the old stationary kit that he’d given to Steve as a gift all those years prior.  

            “You still have that?” Bucky asked.  

            Steve nodded.  “I have my cassette and player too.  I listen to it sometimes, when I miss you.”

            “You should draw me again,” Bucky suggested.  “You’ll have something to remember me by if this all goes to shit.”

            “Don’t--”

            “We know that there’s a chance these deferrals won’t work out, Stevie,” Bucky said bluntly.  “I don’t want you to forget me.”

            Steve gave him a look.  “I’d never. Bucky, it’s been ten years since we separated at the apartments and I haven’t forgotten.”

            Bucky got very serious suddenly and looked away from him.  “When you begin your donations, you don’t know what they’ll take first.  Sometimes people don’t come back--not whole. Sometimes people lose their minds too.”

            Steve nodded.  “Okay. I’ll draw you.”

            That was how they spent most of the day, Bucky lying on the bed while Steve drew him.  He was trying to capture every last detail. If Bucky wanted to be remembered, then Steve didn’t want to miss a thing.  

            “Let me show you how it’s coming,” Steve said after a few hours.  He laid down on the bed next to Bucky and handed him the sketchbook.

            “Wow,” Bucky said, his face lighting up.  “This is incredible, Stevie.”

            Steve rested his head against Bucky’s shoulder.  “Nothing beats the real thing.”

            Bucky smiled as he readjusted and turned so that he was facing Steve and laying on his left side.  He kissed Steve slowly and sweetly, his hand grazing Steve’s face as he rested it on the back of Steve’s head.  

            Steve melted into the kiss, his left hand moving up to touch Bucky’s face.  He just had to make sure that he was still real, and that it wasn’t some mind trick that he was playing on himself.  He didn’t go anywhere. Bucky was real.

            Bucky’s hand slowly moved down so that it was resting on the small of Steve’s back.  Steve’s hand was now trying to grasp on to the short, chopped strands of hair. Steve had to keep readjusting his grip because the strands were too short to get a decent hold of.

            Bucky tightened his grip on Steve and sat up, taking Steve with him.  He maneuvered them both so that Steve was practically straddling him, all while barely breaking the kiss. ‘Out of practice’ -- as if.  Bucky had clearly found a way to keep himself busy. There was no way he’d just been able to do that on his first try with one arm.

            Steve pulled away for a moment, mostly just to catch his breath.  He glanced at Bucky, who was looking up at him. Steve kissed him again as he reached around Bucky’s waist and grabbed the hem of his shirt.  Bucky smiled as he lifted his arm and shoulder up so that Steve could remove his shirt.

            Steve had to stop, just for a second.  He hadn’t seen Bucky shirtless in years, and wow… he was impressed.  He must have spent most of his free time in the weight room because he’d managed to remain in excellent shape.  What had made him stop was that Steve saw Bucky’s scars. He had three of them. One Steve recognized--it was from a particularly nasty fight between Bucky and Brock when they were about fifteen years old.  It was right near his right ribs. It was from a rock. The other two were new. His left shoulder was scarred right at the place where the rest of his arm had been amputated. The scar tissue traced around the entire shoulder.  The other was on the left side of his abdomen. It stretched all the way onto his back. Steve traced it with his fingers.

            “That was my first donation,” Bucky said quietly.  “It got pretty infected and I almost completed. My carer pushed for my care and if it weren’t for that… I probably wouldn’t be here right now.”

            “Kidney?”

            Bucky shrugged.  “I guess. You know they never tell us.”

            “Your carer could have found out.  If you play nice with the nurses, they tend to get real chatty,” Steve said as he moved his hand up to Bucky’s left shoulder.  “Losing the arm must have been terrifying. You expect to lose what you can’t see. It’s always harder when it’s something that you can notice missing.”

            Bucky shook his head.  “My first one was so awful, I was relieved they just took the arm.  I knew it wasn’t something I needed to live. I thought for sure I was going to complete on my second.  When it turned out to just be my arm, it was a blessing.”

            Steve put his arms back around Bucky’s neck as he began kissing him again.  His hands moved so that they were at the back of his head, trying to grab onto whatever hair he could grasp.  Bucky had been through so much, the deferral had to work. Steve couldn’t lose him.

            Bucky started tugging on Steve’s shirt, and Steve had almost forgotten that he was supposed to start taking his clothes off too.  He blushed as he removed his shirt quickly. He didn’t have any new scars for Bucky to see--not yet anyway.

            Bucky’s hand was resting on Steve’s waist and tugging at the waistband of his jeans.  Steve whined as he detached himself from Bucky again to kick off his pants. He threw them on the ground and leaned over to kiss Bucky sweetly.

“Your turn,” he smiled as he started unbuttoning Bucky’s slacks.  Bucky smiled as he stood up momentarily to help Steve get the slacks off.  Steve was grateful--there was no way he was going to be able to get them off while Bucky was sitting down.  The boxers he could deal with, but not the trousers.

            Steve smiled like an idiot as he looked at him.  Bucky was even more gorgeous than he remembered, and that was saying something.  He looked like a Greek god--scars and all. Steve beamed as he climbed back in the bed, kneeling with his legs on either side of Bucky as he looked in his eyes and kissed him deeply.

            Bucky’s hand was sliding down his back again resting on his backside.  Steve’s were still desperately trying to grab a hold of Bucky’s hair. It was incredibly frustrating that the hair was too short for him to get a good grip on.

            While Steve was preoccupied trying to grab onto Bucky’s hair, Bucky’s hand had slipped into his boxers.  Steve practically squeaked when he felt it.

            “You okay?” Bucky asked, practically laughing against Steve’s mouth.

            Steve nodded.  “Just wasn’t expecting that.”

            “We can stop--”

            “No,” Steve said.  “I mean, unless you want to--”

            “I’m good to keep going if you are.”

            Steve smiled as he kissed him.  “You’re being very sweet, but please stop it.  I want this more than you could possibly know, Buck.”

            Bucky nodded.  “Okay. Hand me the plastic bag?  With the stuff.”

            Steve looked around, trying to find the bag.  Thank god Bucky remembered because Steve had totally forgot about the completely necessary items that Bucky had picked up for them.  He finally spotted the bag behind them on the table. Steve stood up, grabbed the bag, and began walking over. Bucky was standing too, and had taken his boxers off.  If Steve thought he looked impressive before, it was nothing compared to how incredible Bucky looked in all of his glory. Steve could practically feel his mouth beginning to water.

            “Wow,” Steve said breathlessly.

            Bucky laughed, he legitimately laughed at that.  “You’re not too bad yourself, though I wouldn’t mind seeing the rest of you.”

            Steve felt himself blush all over as he looked down.  He was still wearing his boxers. No wonder he was beginning to feel constrained.  

            Bucky grabbed his hand and pulled him closer.  He let go and sat back down on the bed, kissing Steve’s abdomen sweetly.  He moved his hand and pulled Steve’s boxers down in one swift, fluid motion.

            “Thought you said you were ‘a little out of practice,’” Steve teased as he stepped out of the underwear. “That must have taken some time to perfect.  I thought the arm was your second donation.”

            Bucky chuckled.  “Shut up.” He took the bag from Steve’s hand and began combing through it.  First, he took out the condoms and then he paused. He looked back up at Steve.  “Do you have a preference?”

            Steve’s brows furrowed.  “What?”

            Bucky gave him a look.  “Are you absolutely certain that you’ve done this before?”

            “Yes,” Steve said honestly.  “Could you be any less vague, please?”

            Bucky made a face as he cleared his throat.  “Let’s try it this way. Do you want to take or give?”

            Steve felt himself burn _even redder_.  Of course Bucky would be considerate enough to ask.  “No. I don’t have a preference.”

            Bucky raised an eyebrow.  “Are you sure? It’s okay if you do.  We can talk about it or take turns. If you have a preference--”

            “I take,” Steve said, feeling his ears begin to burn along with the rest of his body.  “Most of the time, I’m on the receiving end.”

            Bucky smirked as he suppressed a laugh.  “You’re too funny. You don’t even like talking about it.”

            “I don’t… I’m not familiar with all the lingo,” Steve said as Bucky began unwrapping the condom with his teeth.  

            Bucky laughed this time.  It wasn’t cruel, but Steve didn’t like the fact that Bucky had seemed to be laughing at this a lot.

            “I’m sorry that I’m not as experienced as you, but some of us didn’t have a steady partner for ten years,” Steve crossed his arms.

            Bucky stopped laughing as he grabbed Steve’s hand and brought it to his lips.  “I’m sorry, baby. It’s sweet. That’s all. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. Also, you are aware Connie and I did not consummate our relationship right away.  We were like ten when started ‘dating.’ We didn’t do that until--”

            “Bucky, no offense, but I do not want to hear about your sexual relationship with Connie right now,” Steve said flatly.

            Bucky nodded as he took the lube out of the bag.  “Fair enough. All right, listen,” he paused, meeting Steve’s eyes.  “Let me know if I’m hurting you, okay? The last thing I want is to hurt you.”

            Steve suppressed the urge to roll his eyes.  “Not my first time, Buck.”

            Bucky nodded again.  “I know. But it’s your first time with me and it’s my first time with you.  I just want us to be on the same page. Especially considering how nervous you were before.”

            “I’ll tell you if it hurts,” Steve relented.

            Bucky handed Steve the bottle and smiled weakly.  “I need you to open that and--”

            Steve silenced him with a kiss.  “I can do this part.”

            Bucky frowned.  “Are you sure? I can do it.  I _want_ to.”

            Steve sighed as squeezed the bottle into Bucky’s hand.  Bucky said he wanted to do it, and Steve couldn’t deny how tempting the idea was.

            Bucky’s face broke into a shit-eating grin as Steve straddled him again.  He reached behind Steve and slowly inserted a finger inside of him. Steve began kissing Bucky again.  This was always his least favorite part, but Bucky was being so gentle as he slowly worked the finger in and out of him.  Steve moved his own hand to Bucky’s erection. He began stroking him slowly but firmly. Bucky moaned into his mouth and Steve felt himself exhale.  At least he was doing something right.

            After a few moments, Bucky slipped a second finger in and Steve practically gasped against him.  His free hand was wrapped around Bucky’s neck, his head looking over Bucky’s shoulder.

            Bucky was kissing his neck affectionately and he continued moving his fingers in and out of him.  “You okay?” He whispered sweetly against his skin.

            Steve nodded, unable to find his words, so he just kept nodding frantically.  He kissed the side of Bucky’s head and rested his own head against it, while his other hand kept working on Bucky’s erection, prompting a moan from him every so often.  

            “Steve,” Bucky said as he removed his hand.  “I need you to squeeze out some more lube, babe.”

            Steve practically growled as he reached over to the other side of the bed and poured it on his own hand.  He gripped Bucky’s cock firmly and began coating it with the lubricant. Finally, he met Bucky’s eyes.

            Bucky grinned.  “Ready when you are, Stevie.”

            Steve took a deep breath.  “Okay.” He lined himself up and slowly lowered himself down onto Bucky.  He let out a loud gasp as he took a moment to get adjusted.

            “Are you all right?” Bucky asked as he kissed the side of his head.  Steve’s head was resting on Bucky’s shoulder.

            “Ye--yeah,” Steve choked out.  “I’m better than all right. Just give me a second.”

            “Take your time,” Bucky said softly.  “Take all the time you need.”

            Steve stayed like that for a minute, taking his time.  He wanted to remember this forever. Eventually, he began to move again, lifting himself up and down on Bucky’s cock.  He must have sounded like a cheap hooker because he couldn’t control the noises that were coming out of his mouth. It was the most amazing feeling he had ever experienced.  This was Bucky. This was real.

            Bucky seemed to be enjoying himself too, as he would occasionally thrust upwards to meet Steve as he was coming down.  He kept kissing Steve’s shoulder blade as Steve’s head was completely resting on his shoulder. Bucky’s hand was on Steve’s back, guiding him up and down.  It felt so warm against his skin, Steve hoped Bucky would hold onto him forever.

            “Bucky,” Steve gasped as Bucky began pushing into him more and more.  Steve wasn’t sure how much more he could take before his inevitable orgasm.

            Bucky shushed him gently.  “I’ve got you, Stevie. Just relax, I’ve got you.”

            Steve nodded as he began moving faster and more clumsily.  It was a miracle that he didn’t fall off the bed. His free hand moved to his own erection as he awkwardly tried to stroke himself and ride Bucky at the same time.  It was a very uncoordinated effort. Still, it didn’t take long for Steve to come, going slack against Bucky’s chest.

            Bucky kissed his head sweetly.  “Babe, let me just,” Bucky didn’t finish the sentence, he just repositioned them so that Steve was lying on his back, and Bucky was over him.  Steve automatically lifted his leg so that it was resting on Bucky’s right shoulder. Bucky kissed him before he thrusted into him again.

Steve practically cried out in ecstasy.  “Bucky!”

            A few moments later, Bucky let out a groan and went slack.  He slowly pulled out of Steve. He leaned over and kissed him passionately.  “You okay?”

            Steve laughed this time.  “Why are you asking me that?”

            “Your eyes are all red, Steve,” Bucky said as he kissed Steve’s eyelids gently.  “Were you crying?”

            “I don’t think so,” Steve said honestly.  He might have been. He was definitely on the emotional side of things at the time.  “I just can’t believe that really happened.”

            “Why?” Bucky asked as he stood up and walked over to the trash, disposing of the condom.

            Steve laughed as he tried, and failed to sit up.  “Because I’ve wanted to do that since we hit puberty, Buck.  I never thought it would actually happen.”

            Bucky walked back over and plopped down on the bed next to Steve.  He kissed his lips lazily. “Well, it just did, and I really hope that it isn’t the last time.”

            Steve was too exhausted to even blush at that.  “It better not be.”

            Bucky wrapped his arm around Steve as he pulled the blanket over them.

            “No, no, no,” Steve whined.  “We have to be back before curfew, we can’t sleep here.”

            Bucky glanced around and saw Steve’s watch on the table.  He stood up and tossed it over to Steve. “We’ve got a few hours, baby.  We can sleep for a little bit if you want.”

            Steve nodded.  He was exhausted, and his eyelids felt too heavy for him to keep open.  “Just a little bit.”

            Bucky smiled as he kissed Steve’s lips chastely.  “I promise, just a little bit. Go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

            “Promise?”

            “Promise.”

            Steve woke up to featherlight kisses on his temple.  His eyes cracked open to see Bucky leaning over him. He was really there, it wasn’t a dream.  “I’m sorry but we have to get back soon,” Bucky said sadly.

            Steve yawned as he sat up in the bed.  “Already?”

            “I’m afraid so,”Bucky said as he tossed Steve his pants.  “You’ve gotta get dressed, babe.”

            Steve pouted as he began redressing himself.  “I don’t want to go back.”

            “Me neither,” Bucky said as he came up behind him and wrapped his arm around Steve’s waist.  “Just a little longer and then once we apply for the deferral things will be a little easier, at least for a little while.”

            Steve nodded as he leaned back against Bucky.  “I’m going to check out that address that Connie gave us as soon as possible.  We can’t waste any more time.”

            Steve drove them back to the medical facility, trying to take as much time as possible.  Bucky must have noticed because he spoke up, “Steve, I’m sure they’d let you spend the night.  It’s probably too late for you to leave without missing curfew anyway.”

            Steve considered it.  It wasn’t the worst idea in the world.  It would give him some more time with Bucky, and it wasn’t exactly unusual for carers to have to stay at the same facility as their donors.  “I’ll ask.”

            Bucky grinned.  “Good. Maybe we can sneak you into my room?”  
            Steve’s face began to flush.  “There’s not exactly a lot of privacy.  There aren’t any locks on those doors.”

            “I didn’t mean for _that_.”  Bucky laughed.  “I just want to see you.”

            “I’ll see what I can do,” Steve said honestly.  The idea of sleeping in the same room as Bucky again brought him back to Lehigh.  Their beds were right next to each other, often times Bucky was the first thing that Steve would see in the morning and the last thing that he’d see at night.  He ached to have that again.

            Bucky must have been thinking along the same lines.  “It’ll be like old times, back at school.”

            That was how Steve wound sleeping in Bucky’s bed with him that night, with Bucky’s right arm sprawled across him as they lay on their sides.  In all of Steve’s wildest dreams, he never would have thought that Bucky would hold onto him the way that he did. If Steve could have stayed in that moment forever, he would have.  He never wanted to leave Bucky’s embrace.

            Steve couldn’t stay long the next day.  He was in desperate need of a shower and he had to see if Mr. Jarvis really lived at the address that Connie had given them.

            “I’ll be back soon,” Steve said as Bucky was walking him to the exit.  “I’m just going to make sure that all this deferral talk hasn’t been for nothing.”

            “I know,” Bucky said sadly.  “I’ll miss you like crazy.”

            “Me too,” Steve said and there was no way for him to express just how true that was, so he just pulled Bucky in for a deep kiss.  “I’ll be back as soon as I know more.”

            Bucky kissed Steve’s forehead.  “I’ll be waiting.”

            It took Steve much longer to actually figure out if Mr. Jarvis actually lived at the address that Connie gave him.  It was a small house in New Rochelle and hardly anyone ever came in or out of it. Food and groceries were delivered and it must have been paid for online because Steve never saw anyone provide any sort of payment.  

            After a week, Steve was getting ready to throw in the towel.  Connie had the best of intentions, but there was no evidence that anyone lived in the house, nevermind Mr. Jarvis.  Just as Steve was about to leave, he saw the front door crack open. Slowly but surely, Edwin Jarvis walked out the front door and made his way over to the mailbox that had been overflowing.  It was comical. Out of all the things that Jarvis had arranged for, he hadn’t found someone to bring in the mail.

            He looked much older than Steve remembered, but in fairness, it had been about eleven years since he’d last seen the man.  Still, it was bizarre. He’d always pictured Mr. Jarvis living in a far more upscale home with several cars and friends coming and going.  This man seemed to be bordering on agoraphobic. It explained why he hated his visits to Lehigh.

            Steve watched closely as Mr. Jarvis retreated back into the house.  Connie was right. This was definitely the place. This was real. He and Bucky could do this!  They could get the deferral. For the first time since he was ten years old, Steve had hope. Real hope that he could have something that resembled a life.  If it weren’t for Connie’s guilt, he might have never had that.

            Steve went to see Connie the next day.  He’d heard from her carer, Sam. Apparently, she was scheduled for her next donation the following week.  It would be her third. Donors rarely made it out of the third donation without completing. He needed to see her one last time, if not just to thank her for the information about the deferral.

            “Steven R,”  she said with a soft smile as Steve walked into her room.

            Her carer smiled as he stood up from the seat.  “Sam,” he shook Steve’s hand firmly. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”

            “Likewise,” Steve said.  “Thanks for taking such good care of her.”

            Sam gave a laugh.  “It’s been a lot easier since the two of you reconnected.  She’s been cooperating a lot more.”

            “I can hear you,” she said with an eye roll.

            “I know.” Sam smirked.  “Knock it off. You need to be positive leading up to your next donation.”

            Steve liked the way that Sam said “next donation” instead of _last donation_.  It was clear that Connie was done fighting.  As much as Steve wished she wouldn’t complete on her third, he had little hope that she would see a fourth.

            “Can you give us the room, Sam?” Connie asked knowingly.  “I think this is going to be a goodbye of sorts, and I’d like to cherish my last moments with my best friend.”

            Sam didn’t argue, he nodded understandingly.  “I’ll be right down the hall if you need anything.”  He looked back to Steve. “It was good meeting you.”

            “You too,” Steve said honestly.  He seemed nice. Connie was lucky to have a carer like that.  Most carers just took the position because they thought it might buy them some time before their own donations would need to start.

            “Did you apply?” She asked the moment Sam was out of earshot.  “Did you get the deferral?”

            “Not yet,” Steve said as he sat down where Sam had been before.  “We’re going to apply soon. I checked out that address you gave me, you were right.  It’s Jarvis. You should see him, it’s a sad existence.”

“Not sadder than ours, I imagine,” she said.  She probably wasn’t entirely wrong, but what was the point of having all that time to live if it was going to be wasted living in solitude.  

“Maybe not,” Steve relented.  “Connie, I know you feel like you cheated us out of something, but… if it weren’t for you, we’d never even know to apply to for this deferral.  Thank you, for everything.”

She sniffed, tears threatening to flow from her eyes.  “The two of you better not forget it either.” She was trying to joke.  It was still so bizarre seeing her like that. He still pictured her as the girl from school who flew so high above everyone else.

            “Of course not,” Steve said honestly.  “Who could forget you? They should build monuments in your name.  Connie B, the best investigative donor there ever was. Only you could dig all that up from a medical facility.”  Steve felt his eyes beginning to sting. This wasn’t supposed to be that hard. Donors completed all the time. It was a fact.  Steve saw it almost everyday. Still, knowing that this could be the last time he spoke to her was haunting.

            The tears were spilling freely from her eyes now.  “If Jarvis doesn’t give you two that deferral, then he’s a damn fool.  The world is a better place with you two in it.”

            Steve was crying too.  Their friendship hadn’t been perfect, but she was still the first friend he’d ever had.  The idea that Steve would be living in a world that didn’t have Connie in it was terrifying.  He hugged her tightly and was afraid to let go, as if she might complete the moment he broke away.

            He stayed with her for a while.  He wasn’t sure if he’d get the chance to see her again.  Steve still hadn’t gone back to see Bucky and once they started the process, he wasn’t sure if they’d be allowed much contact with other people.  He imagined they’d be relocated as part of the deferral.

            When Steve finally did leave, it was so that he could get home in time for curfew. They didn’t talk much while he was there.  They had just sat in each other’s presence and it was as if no time had passed. It almost reminded Steve of the countless hours spent in the courtyard of Lehigh.  Connie would play with her dolls while Steve drew. Neither one of them would say a word for hours, but it didn’t matter. They were completely at ease with each other.  

            Steve tapped his bracelet against the sensor in his apartment.  He walked over to the bed and lied down. He was glad that he had went to see Connie.  This was a much nicer last memory than the last one.

            The next day Steve went back to see Bucky.  He met him right in his room. Bucky looked nervous this time around.  Steve didn’t blame him. He hadn’t been there in over a week and the last thing they had discussed was confirming the validity of the deferrals.

            “Hey,” Bucky said.

            Steve smiled at him unable to contain his excitement.  “Connie came through. The address was legit.”

            “Are you serious?” Bucky asked, practically jumping up from where he sat on the bed.

            Steve nodded.  “I’m serious. I saw him myself.  This is where he lives. We can do this, Buck.”

            Bucky grinned as he kissed him sweetly.  “We have to pick which of my art pieces that we’re going to take.  I can’t bring them all.”

            “Okay,” Steve said laughing.  This was really happening.   They were going to get a deferral.  They were going to be able to spend a few years together, just the two of them.  “Do you have any favorites?”

            Bucky was searching through his top drawer again, taking out all of the artwork that he had saved.  “I don’t know. I’ve kind of just been doing all this just in case we ever had the opportunity. I never really thought we’d get this far.”

            Steve never thought they’d get that far either.  He began looking through some of Bucky’s art as well.  Most of them were incredible, but Steve thought it might be a good idea to pick pieces that were different to provide a variety.  He kept trying to sort them by style, but it was harder than Steve thought it would be. Bucky had a lot of nonrepresentational work, and Steve had little experience with that.  He tried to keep his own art as representational as possible.

            “We could bring the sketchbook as a whole,” Steve suggested.  “This way he could look through all of it. Maybe bring a few others too.  The ones with color? That might give him a nice variety of options to look through.”

            Bucky nodded.  “Okay, yeah--yeah,  That’s a good idea.”

            “If there’s anything that you’re particularly proud of, that might be a good one to bring too.  It’s soulbearing right?” Steve smiled softly. He wasn’t too concerned. There was no way that anyone could miss how in love they were, artwork or not.

            “Maybe,” Bucky said as he shrugged.  “I haven’t really looked at these since before my last donation.  There might be a few in here that I like more than the others.”

            “Well, take your time,” Steve said as he took Bucky’s hand in his own.  “We don’t need to rush this.”

            Bucky gave him a look.  “We can’t exactly drag our feet either, Stevie.  It’s only a matter of time before they schedule my next donation and send you your letter to start yours.”

            Steve looked down.  It wasn’t as if their donations would start immediately.  Even if Bucky did need to give his next donation soon, they’d typically get at least a week’s notice.  It gave the carer enough time to try and boost morale and make arrangements. Still, Bucky wasn’t entirely wrong.  They shouldn’t waste much time either.

            “All right,” Steve gave in.  “We can drive up there sometime in the next week or so.  We need to figure out exactly what we want to say. If you want my help finishing or making any changes to any of your art we can do that too.  It won’t do us any good to rush it if we didn’t do it the right way.”

            Bucky took a deep breath.  “Okay, so we’ll go through all the art and pick the best ones.  If I think that there’s anything that should be changed or added we’ll do that too.  I wish we knew exactly what he was looking for.”

            Steve frowned.  He’d been lying if he said he wasn’t nervous and excited at the same time.  While he was sure that anyone with eyes could see how he and Bucky felt about each other, he was sure that there had to be a process.  Otherwise, anyone with heart eyes could walk in there and be granted a deferral. Deferrals were so rare that they were practically a myth.  Clearly there had to be something that Mr. Jarvis was specifically looking for. “If there’s a variety then we have a good chance. Besides, we’re us.  You’re Bucky, I’m Steve. If he can’t see what’s right in front of him, then…” his voice trailed off. This was the difference between life and death. Steve couldn’t just dismiss Mr. Jarvis’s opinion like he would have Brock’s or Jack’s back at Lehigh.  This was different. This actually mattered.

            “Then we’re fucked,” Bucky finished for him.  

            Steve looked away from him for a moment.  There was nothing that he could say that would change the fact that Bucky wasn’t wrong.  The deferral was quite literally their only option. If they were denied, then they’d have a few months together at best.  Steve knew the clock was ticking for him to start his donations and it was only a matter of time before Bucky had to make his third.  Third donations rarely ended without completion. The thought made him queasy. He’d just gotten Bucky back. He couldn’t lose him, not again.

            Bucky kissed Steve’s hand affectionately.  “Talk to me, Stevie. What’s going on in that head, babe?”

            Steve shook his head.  “Nothing good.”

            Bucky tugged on Steve’s hand, pulling him close.  He kissed Steve deeply. When they pulled apart, he kissed Steve’s nose sweetly and then his forehead.  “We’ve all gotta go sometime, babe. We just got sooner than others. At least we found each other again, right?”

            “That was all Connie,” Steve said, pressing his forehead to Bucky’s.  “Connie knew where you were and told me how to find you. If it weren’t for her… I… she’s donating again.”

            “Shit,” Bucky said as he draped his arm around Steve’s waist, pulling him into a tight embrace.  “That’s number three?”

            “Yeah.  God, I was so stupid.  I should have tried to find the two of you years ago.  We could’ve had more time.” Steve rested his arms on Bucky’s shoulders.  

            Bucky sighed.  “You’re starting to sound a bit cliche there, Steve.  Everyone wants more time. It doesn’t matter how much they’ve got.  We’ve got more than some.”

            “What if we don’t get it?” Steve asked, barely louder than a whisper.

            Bucky’s grip tightened on his waist.  “Let’s hope we don’t have to find out.”

            Steve grimaced at that.  Bucky was the one who always knew what to say.  He was the one who figured out that the gallery had to be for deferrals.  He was the one who’d spent years creating art, something he never enjoyed, just in case there was a chance to apply for a deferral.  If he didn’t have a second option, then there wasn’t one.

            A few days later, they were in Bucky’s room sorting through his artwork when Steve’s phone began buzzing.  Bucky gave him a worried look. Steve was his carer now, if he was getting a call it was probably to notify them of Bucky’s next donation.  Steve didn’t recognize the number.

            “Hello,” he asked nervously as he flipped the phone open.

            “Is this Steven R?” the voice asked.

            Steve took a deep breath.  “This is him. How can I help you today?”  He looked at Bucky who was watching him carefully.

            “This is Sam W.  We met briefly. I was Connie B.’s carer.”

            Steve’s heart stopped.  There was only one reason why Sam would be calling him.  “Right. Hi. Sorry. I wasn’t expecting… did she…” he couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence.

“Her donation was this morning.  As you know, it was her third. Unfortunately, the third comes with more risks, I’m sure I don’t have to explain that to you.  She completed during her donation,” Sam said.

Steve’s eyes began to well.  He knew it was coming, but it didn’t make it any easier.  “Did she…” he sniffled. “Was she… was she scared?” He whispered into the phone.

“She seemed to be at peace before going in,” Sam said.  “Obviously, completion isn’t… if I was going to complete, I’d like to have the comfort that she had going in.”

“Thank you,” Steve said weakly.  “Thank you for calling. I didn’t think anyone would call.”

“It’s rare to see donors with such strong connection to other people.  It felt wrong not to notify you.”

Steve sniffled again.  “Well I--I appreciate it very much, Sam.”  

Bucky had walked over to him.  “Stevie, what is it?”

            Steve waved him away dismissively.  “I’m sure you have a lot of paperwork to fill out.  Thanks for taking the time to call. It means more than you can possibly imagine.”

            “Take care of yourself,” Sam said before the line went dead.

            Steve turned to face Bucky.  “Connie… she completed.”

            Bucky’s face fell.  “Fuck.”

            “I just saw her.  I told her that we were going to apply… she was happy.  Her carer said that she was at peace. She knew she was going to complete.  Oh god,” Steve tried to wipe the tears away from his eyes.

            “C’mere,” Bucky said as Steve tossed his arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder.

            He couldn’t believe it.  Steve had known it was coming and still, he couldn’t believe that Connie had completed.  She had been a force of nature and all it took was three donations to take her down. Steve used to be so sure back at school that she would beat the record held by that boy overseas.  In the end, she was ordinary. Average. That fact hit him like a ton of bricks.

            Steve clutched onto Bucky for dear life.  He couldn’t lose him too, he just couldn’t.  Mr. Jarvis had to see that. He had to.

            Steve stayed the night with Bucky that night, gently sobbing into his chest throughout the night.  He just imagined Connie laying on a cold operating room table, left there like trash. Donors didn’t get funerals or memorials after they completed.  If they were lucky, they were moved and cremated within an hour. It took longer if the operating room wasn’t cleaned right away. Steve had to wait hours at a time for a donor’s remains to be “disposed of.”  The thought of Connie being reduced to that sickened him. He couldn’t let it happen to Bucky.

            They went to take a trip to see Mr. Jarvis a week later.  They’d collected several pieces of Bucky’s artwork to bring with them.  Steve had been going over exactly what he wanted to say over and over in his head for days.  He was certain that he was going to forget something and ruin it all for them.

            New Rochelle was about 45 minutes away from where Bucky’s medical facility was located.  Steve had never been more nervous driving anywhere in his entire life. It made their first ride to Brooklyn seem like a cake walk.  It was almost like it was his first time behind the wheel.

            “Take it easy, Stevie,” Bucky had said as Steve slammed on the breaks when the light turned yellow.  “We’re gonna complete right here in this car if you don’t relax.”

            Steve breathed in through his nose.  Bucky was right. They still had to get to Mr. Jarvis is one piece.  No one would waste time trying to save them if there was a crash. If anything, they’d take their organs right then and there.

            When they did finally get to the house, they stayed in the car for about twenty minutes just trying to find the courage to go inside.  Steve watched the front door. Maybe they could wait for Mr. Jarvis to come outside. Steve knew there wasn’t much of a chance of that happening.  He’d staked the place out for a week and the man only left the house once to go get the mail.

            “Steve,” Bucky said finally.  “We need to--”

            “I know,” Steve said taking a breath.

            “Look at me,” Bucky said turning to face him.  Steve met his gaze. “We’ve got this. No one on this planet loves anyone more than I love you or you love me.  Jarvis is gonna see that the moment we walk through those doors.”

            Steve nodded.  “Okay. You’re right, I’m just so…”

“Me too,” Bucky smiled weakly.  “Me too, Stevie.”

Steve gulped as he turned the car off and took the key out of the ignition.  This was their one chance. They had to face Jarvis sooner or later. He looked to Bucky who nodded as he unbuckled his seatbelt.  They got out of the car.

            “Ready when you are, babe,” Bucky said as Steve walked over to him.

            Steve took a deep breath as he looked both ways and crossed the street.  Bucky was right behind him, taking his time. Neither of them was in a rush, terrified that the answer might not be what they needed.  Steve reached over the gate and unlatched it, letting them onto the property. They walked up to the door and Steve paused as he was about to knock on the door.  

            Bucky was standing behind him.  He rested his head against the back of Steve’s neck.  “We can do this, Stevie. Just knock on the door.”

            Steve knocked on the door and waited.  It felt like an eternity. Should he knock again?  Maybe Mr. Jarvis didn’t hear him. He waited a little longer before the door finally cracked open.  

            Mr. Jarvis was standing there.  He didn’t open the door all the way.  “I’m sorry, I’m afraid you have the wrong address.  I’m not expecting any visitor--”

“We’re from Lehigh,” Steve cut him off nervously.  He cleared his throat. “I mean… we used to attend… We had a few questions--about your gallery.”

Mr. Jarvis’s face contorted.  He wasn’t confused. He just seemed surprised, and even a bit sad.  Steve didn’t know what to make of it.

“Can we come in?”  Bucky asked. “I mean we can do this out here, but we have some things to show you and well… .”  Bucky moved from directly behind Steve so that Jarvis could see his missing left arm. “It’s a little difficult for me to show you all this one-handed.”

            He opened the door all the way and stepped aside.  “Of course. My apologies. Come on in.”

            They walked inside and while the house itself wasn’t particularly large, Mr. Jarvis had spared no expense in terms of interior decorating.  There was an enormous chandelier hanging from the ceiling with modern art hanging from the walls. It was certainly not work from any student.  Clearly, Mr. Jarvis was still a patron of the arts.

            “Please come this way,” Mr. Jarvis led them to a sitting room and motioned for them to sit down on the couch.  

Bucky sat on Steve’s left, taking his hand.  He always knew exactly what to do. Steve clutched onto him for dear life, holding Bucky’s artwork in his right hand.  

            Jarvis cleared his throat.  “You said that you had questions about the gallery.”

            Steve nodded fervently.  “Yes! We… um… we think we figured out what it was for… its purpose.”

            Jarvis looked between the two of them.  “You do?”

            “Yes, we… well Bucky--James actually, managed to figure it out,” Steve said, swinging their intertwined hands slightly.  

            Bucky nodded too.  “We figured that you needed the art to look into our souls… to see if we were in love… for the deferrals.”

            Jarvis’s jaw hung open for a moment.  He opened his mouth to speak.

            Bucky cut him off.  “I know that clearly my donations have already started, but _please_ ,” his voice was desperate and Steve had to squeeze his hand a little tighter.  “Please don’t hold it against Steve. He’s… we’ve been through so much and it took us so long to get back to each other.  Even if it’s just for a few months…”

“I--”

“Steve’s art is amazing,” Bucky continued.  He looked as Steve and it was as if he was looking at a piece of art right there.  Steve knew no one would ever look at him that same way again. “He submitted lots of things for your gallery over the years.  I was little messed up back then, that’s the other problem. I never submitted anything. I’ve got stuff now--Steve can show you.  I just hope it isn’t too late.”

            Steve took his hand away from Bucky for a minute to show him the art.  Steve handed him the sketch book and opened the folder of art that they had brought along with them.  Bucky’s work really was incredible. It was a shame that he had waited so long to start creating it.

            “This is lovely,” Mr. Jarvis said as he looked through the sketch book.  He began sorting through the other art pieces that Bucky had brought. “Really, it’s breathtaking.”

            Bucky let out a sigh of relief as he took Steve’s hand and kissed it twice.  “So… do we… do we qualify? Do you need anything else from us? I’m sorry, I just… I don’t know what the process is.”

            Steve leaned up against Bucky.  This was going well. It was already going better than Steve thought it would.  

            Mr. Jarvis sighed.  “I never know what to say… we used to get couples like the two of you several times a year.  Now… you’re the first we’ve had in a long time.”

“I can take it from here,” a voice said from the hall.  Howard Stark limped into the room with the help of a cane.  He sat down besides Jarvis and took a deep breath.

“Mr. Stark--” Steve began in shock.

“Steven R.  and James B.”  He paused before he smiled.  “I wasn’t sure if you two would ever figure it out.  I’m glad to see that you two opened your eyes.”

“So you know,” Bucky said, gripping Steve’s hand tighter.  “That we’re _verifiably_ in love.  We qualify.”

            “The deferral,” Mr. Stark took a deep breath.  “Based on the artwork I see here, I’m guessing that you think the gallery is part of the qualifications.”

            “You always did tell us that Lehigh was special,” Steve spoke up this time.  

            Howard nodded.  “Lehigh was special.  I imagine that you’ve heard about its closing.  After the Banner Incident… people weren’t too interested in educating young donors.  Lehigh was one of the first and one of the last homes to educate its students.”

            “Why _did_ you educate us?” Steve asked curiously.  “It’s not like we needed to know about Greek and medieval history after we left there.”

            Howard laughed at that.  “We wanted you to have as plentiful a childhood as possible.  We knew your adult lives would be… brief and… painful. I like to think that we did good work at Lehigh.”

            “You did,” Steve said honestly.  “I know that I wasn’t always appreciative, but I’m glad we learned everything we did.  The gallery--”

            “Yes, right,” Mr. Stark said.  “The gallery--”

            “The deferral,” Bucky said quietly.

            Howard nodded.  “The gallery, like much of the work we did at Lehigh, came under scrutiny.”

            “I’m sorry,” Bucky interrupted.  “We appreciate this… lesson on Lehigh’s history, but… we… do we qualify?”

            “We were answering the question to an answer that no one wanted to ask,” Howard continued as if Bucky hadn’t said a word.  Steve was starting to put the pieces together. None of this was what they thought it was. “The gallery wasn’t designed to verify or inspect your souls.  It was to see if you had souls at all.”

            Steve’s breath hitched.  None of it mattered.

            Bucky didn’t seem to catch on.  “I don’t understand… what… the deferrals--”

            “There aren’t any,” Steve said, barely louder than a whisper.  “Bucky, there aren’t any deferrals.”

            “There never have been,” Howard said sadly.  “I’m sorry. This never gets any easier.”

            Steve shook his head.  “I don’t---of course we have souls!  Why was that even a question?”

            “When science started creating… _students_ like you, people were skeptical.  I think it made it easier to see you as empty vessels carrying around organs than people.  We founded Lehigh to try and put an end to donations… the breakthrough for your existence could be used for so many more purposes than just donations.  No one wanted to hear it. If you ask people to go back to the time of cancer and disease… they wouldn’t do it. Especially not after the Banner Incident,” Howard said solemnly.

            “So there were never any deferrals?” Bucky asked, squeezing Steve’s hand tightly.  

            Howard’s face softened.  “I’m so sorry. I’m afraid not.”

            “What is the Banner Incident?” Steve asked.  “I saw it come up when I was doing research, but I couldn’t find anything about what it was.”

            Howard sighed.  “Well, it had very little to actually do with donors.  Dr. Banner was trying to find a way to… alter regular embryos genetically so that it would eradicate the need for donors.  However, people took it as him trying to great a master race of sorts, and they thought that it would lead to the extinction of the average man.  After that, it made the fight for donor rights almost impossible. All of our progress had went down the drain.”

            “There was no chance of deferrals,” Steve said.  “Not ever, but especially not ever that.”

            Howard nodded.  “Unfortunately not.  I wish there was something we could do for you--”

            “We should go,” Bucky said, standing up.  “I’m sorry for bothering you.”

            Steve grimaced.  He stood up with Bucky, clutching onto him.  He couldn’t lose him. There was nothing left.  This was it. “Thank you for your time.”

            “Please,” Mr. Jarvis stood up.  “Let me see you out.”

            Steve nodded.  “Thank you.”

            He led them back towards the door and to the edge of the property.  Bucky immediately headed out to the car. Steve took a breath as he turned back to Mr. Jarvis.  He was almost hoping that the man would have something encouraging to say--maybe even another lead for them to follow.  

            “I am so sorry,” he reached out, shakily and shook Steve’s hand.  “I wish I could help you. You poor people.”

            Steve looked away and back towards the car.  “I have to go bring him back. We--” he faltered, his voice cracking.  “We have to be back by curfew.” He turned around and walked back to the car and sat in the driver’s seat.  

            “Bucky--” Steve said weakly.

            “Don’t,” Bucky said quietly.  “I’m sorry.”

            Steve’s head snapped to look at him.  “For what?”

            “This was my stupid theory to begin with.  I shouldn’t have ever said--”

            “Stop,” Steve said desperately.  “Bucky, stop. This was as close as we were ever going to get.  We got some answers--”

            “Just not the one we needed,” Bucky said, covering his mouth with his hand.

            Steve’s eyes began to sting.  Bucky was right. This was it.  There was no answer, no more avenues to pursue.  “We don’t have to go back. We can figure out how to get these off.” Steve waved his bracelet.  “We’ll run away.”

            Bucky laughed bitterly.  “Yeah. My arm won’t give anything away.  It’s over, Stevie.”

            “Don’t say that,” Steve practically begged.  “I can’t lose you. I waited so long, Bucky-- you’re not allowed.  You can’t leave me--”

            “Stevie,” Bucky said softly.  “There are no words. I can’t even begin to apologize to you for what I’ve put you through.  I never… I should have… I took too long. I was stupid and I had my head up my ass and it should’ve been us from the beginning.  I hurt you and now I just got your hopes up for nothing--”

            “Stop!” Steve snapped.  “You don’t get to apologize for dyi-- for comple-- for _this_!  Bucky, you gave me the one thing we stopped having after Ms. Carter told us the truth.  You gave me hope that we could have a life. It was brief but it was there, and I… you can’t complete.  You can’t. I need you to promise me that you’ll fight! You can’t go in ‘at peace’ like Connie did. Go in angry!  Go into your next donation fighting to come out--”

            “Hardly anyone makes it past three, Steve--”

            “It happens!” Tears were streaming down his face.  He couldn’t lose him. He refused to lose him again.  “People make it past three! You need to. Bucky… I can’t go on if you’re not there.”

            “Stevie--”

            “Promise me!  The only words out of your mouth have to be that you’ll fight!  If you won’t fight then I’ve already lost you.” Steve sniffed.

            Bucky nodded, tears falling from his eyes too.  “I’ll fight as hard as I can, Stevie. It’s only a matter of time before they take something I need--”

            “Stop!”  Steve covered his ears.  “Stop it!”

            “Baby--”

            “No!”  Steve grasped onto his bracelet and tried to tug it off.

           Bucky turned to him and grabbed his hand.  He stopped him from tugging on it. “Baby, stop.  We’ll do it together. I’ll fight, but I need you to be realistic.  I need you to accept the fact that my days are numbered. If you can’t then I will request a new carer, Steve.  I know you don’t want to hear this, but I _might_ complete.  I can’t have you holding on to false hope again, Stevie.”

            Steve shook his head.  “I can’t lose you too. You’re all I have, Bucky.  Please…”

            Bucky kissed the top of his head affectionately.  “I know, Steve. You’re all I have too. I am going to complete.  If it’s not the next donation, then it’ll be the one after that, or the next.  Either way, it’s only a matter of time. I need to know that you understand that.  I refuse to let you hold on to this delusion that if I promise you then I’ll be okay.”

            Steve choked out a sob.  “Bucky--”

            “I know.  I wanted them to tell us that we could get a deferral too.  They don’t exist. It’s just like you said back at the apartments.  They’re not real. I’m sorry for putting you through this.”

            They weren’t real.  They never were. Bucky was going to die.  Steve was going to have to wait around for Bucky to die.  He had just found his way back to him. He had finally gotten to be with him.  They weren’t asking for much. They just wanted some more time.

            Steve finally calmed down enough to drive them back.  Bucky kept looking over to him and Steve hated that Bucky was the one worrying about him.  Bucky was the one who was going to donate again soon. Bucky was at a greater risk than Steve for completion.  Yet he was the one worrying about Steve. It made him queasy. The idea that he could be losing Bucky and that Bucky was only worried about Steve was sick.  This was cruel.

            They tapped their bracelets against the sensor at the entrance of the medical facility.  It was almost painful. Steve thought he wouldn’t have to worry about that for a while. Yet there they were.  Bucky took his hand again and led him back to the bedroom.

            When they got there, they noticed the rest of Bucky’s artwork lying on the bed and bedside table.  Bucky let go of Steve’s hand and began throwing all the paper all over the place. Others he was tearing up right there.  The other shoe dropped. Bucky was livid.

            “Fuck this,” Bucky grunted as he was throwing the pages around the room.

            Steve placed his hand on Bucky’s shoulder and began rubbing it.  “I’ll clean it up, Buck.”

            “Throw it in the trash,” Bucky yelled angrily.  “I don’t want to see them. They’re useless anyway!  It was stupid. I shouldn’t have wasted my fucking time on this.”

            Steve nodded.  “Whatever you want.”  He was crying again. This time he was crying for Bucky.  Bucky, who’d spent all this time trying to create the best art so he could qualify for a deferral that didn’t exist.  Bucky who would get word of his next donation in the upcoming weeks. Bucky who was going to complete sooner opposed to later.

            Steve bent down and began picking up the art and scraps from the floor.  The work really was beautiful, but if Bucky wanted them gone, then they’d be gone.  It wasn’t up for discussion. This wasn’t about Steve. It was about Bucky.

            There was a loud thump.  Steve looked up to see Bucky kicking the drawers of his bedside table.  “Buck,” Steve said, wiping his eyes. “Why don’t you go shower? I’ll take care of all this.”

            “Come with me?” Bucky asked quietly.

            Steve placed the artwork down and nodded.  “If that’s what you want.”

            Bucky held his hand out and Steve took it as he stood up straight.  Bucky walked him into the bathroom, which had a small shower. Steve wasn’t even sure if they’d fit in there together.  Bucky began stripping. It was the most angry stripping that Steve had ever seen in his life. Under any other circumstances, Steve probably would have laughed.  Bucky was throwing his clothes down angrily after each article was taken off.

            Steve started peeling his own clothes off when Bucky grabbed his hand and kissed his lips.  Steve ignored his half off clothes and put his arms around Bucky, kissing him back desperately.  He needed to stay in that moment forever. No donations, or hospitals, just him and Bucky.

            Bucky released Steve’s hand and helped him take off the rest of his clothes, discarding them on the floor next to his own.  Bucky guided Steve over to the shower as he turned the water on. The hot streams of water hit Steve’s back as Bucky leaned him up against the wall, never breaking the kiss.  

            Steve was grateful for the water.  He wasn’t able to tell where the tap water ended and their tears began.  Bucky’s lips trailed down Steve’s neck as he leaned his head back against the wall of the shower.  Steve’s hand gripped Bucky’s hair tightly. It was easier to grab hold of wet. Steve didn’t want to let go.

            Bucky made his way back to Steve’s mouth, kissing him deeply.  His hand making its way down to Steve’s rear. Steve gasped in Bucky’s mouth as he inserted a finger inside of him.  His arms rested on Bucky’s neck.

            “This okay, baby?”  Bucky whispered into his ear.

            Steve nodded enthusiastically.  “Yeah, Buck. You?”

            Bucky nodded back as he began kissing Steve again.  There wasn’t much room for them to maneuver, so Steve settled for bringing his hand down to stroke Bucky’s cock.  Bucky moaned into his mouth as he inserted a second finger and began scissoring. Steve detached his mouth from Bucky’s as he leaned his head back again as he quickened his movements on Bucky’s erection.

            Bucky began kissing the crook of his neck again, as his fingers continued working in and out of him.  Steve brought his lips back to Bucky’s. He needed to taste him. Bucky hummed in his mouth as he took his fingers out of Steve and curled it around Steve’s waist so that the palm of his hand was on the small of Steve’s back, pulling him closer.  

            Steve detached from Bucky again to turn around.  There was no way they were going to be able to move around enough to do this facing each other.  There was just not enough room. Bucky’s fingers traced their way down Steve’s back before he slowly entered inside of Steve.  It was a lot quicker than their first time. They were less concerned with taking their time than feeling something real. All they had left was each other.  They hadn’t even bothered with protection, not that it mattered--both of them had to be tested on a regular basis. That was the rule when you were a donor. Steve had seen Bucky’s chart.  He knew he was clean and Steve was definitely clean.

            Bucky’s lone hand was holding himself up against the wall of the shower.  It was a miracle that they hadn’t slipped yet. Steve was stroking his own erection as Bucky was thrusting in and out of him.  Steve’s other hand was right beneath Bucky’s, holding onto the wall for support. Bucky was kissing Steve’s back sweetly as his thrusts became more frequent and less coordinated.  Steve could tell he was close. Steve tried his best to meet Bucky’s thrusts by moving back, but it was hard to stay upright.

            Bucky laughed as Steve lost his footing for a minute.  Steve felt himself begin to blush all over but he was also just relieved to hear Bucky laugh again.  He wasn’t sure if he’d ever hear it again. “Let me know when you’re ready, baby,” Bucky said as Steve readjusted himself.

            Steve nodded.  “I’m good, Buck.”  

            Bucky tapped Steve’s ass playfully before he began thrusting again.  This time he was taking it a little slower. He was probably worried that Steve would lose his footing again.  Steve was stroking himself fervently. He was close too, the feeling of having Bucky inside of him was overwhelming.  

            Bucky’s thrusts began to speed up, getting back into a rhythm.  It only took a few more thrusts for them to both come at the same time.  They’d never done that before. It was amazing, raw and emotional.

            Steve stood up straight as he turned back to face Bucky kissing him sweetly.  “I love you so much.”

            Bucky kissed him back.  “I love you too. Let’s get washed up so we can go to bed, baby.”

            Steve nodded as he picked up the soap and began rubbing the suds all over Bucky.  He was gentle and made sure to be particularly fragile with his scars. He kissed Bucky’s lips absentmindedly as Bucky handed Steve the shampoo.  Steve took the shampoo from Bucky and handed him the bar of soap. Bucky clumsily began to rub Steve’s body with the bar of soap as Steve began lathering the shampoo in Bucky’s hair.  Bucky smiled as he tossed the soap down and gently rubbed their noses together.

            Bucky held his hand out and Steve poured some shampoo into the palm of his hand.  Bucky began scrubbing the soap into Steve’s scalp. Steve closed his eyes as the shampoo was getting everywhere.  One of the pitfalls of Bucky losing an arm meant that things weren’t always done with grace.

            “Shit,” Bucky muttered as he began wiping the suds away from Steve’s eyes gingerly.  “Sorry, Stevie.”

            Steve laughed.  “It’s okay. I’m good.  You’re good. We’re good.”

            Bucky kissed his lips softly as he began rinsing the soap off of Steve with the shower head.  “You should be safe to open up those baby blues again.”

            Steve blinked open.  Bucky was looking at him holding a washcloth.  “Did any soap get in there?”

            He shook his head.  “I’m okay, Buck.”

            Bucky nodded as Steve took the shower head and began helping Bucky rinse off.  He just really wished that they were a little less cramped. Steve watched the suds flow off of Bucky’s body.  It was practically a work of art.

            Once they were all rinsed off, Steve turned off the shower and grabbed one of the towels, drying Bucky off first.  Steve didn’t even give Bucky a chance to try and dry Steve off as he knew that would be a recipe for disaster. When he finished with Bucky, he quickly began drying himself off.

            Bucky kissed Steve sweetly as Steve was gathering their clothes up from the floor.  “You’re staying the night, right?”

            “I was going to ask for a bed--”

            “With me,” Bucky cut him off as he pressed his forehead against Steve’s.  “I need you with me.”

            Steve nodded.  “Okay. I’ll stay with you, Buck.”

            Bucky kissed Steve’s lips again softly.  “Can you stay here permanently? I know you have your apartment.  I just need you… .”

Steve kissed him back, deepening the kiss.  “Whatever you want, Bucky. I’ll stay as long as they’ll let me.”

            “I just need you with me, Stevie.  Til’ the end of the line,” Bucky said against Steve’s head.  “Stay with me.”

            “I’m not going anywhere, Bucky,” Steve said honestly.  He couldn’t leave Bucky if he tried.

            Bucky kissed the side of Steve’s head once more as he took his hand and began leading him back into the bedroom.  Steve looked back to all the art on the floor as he began picking it all up again.

            “Baby, c’mon.  Just come lay down,” Bucky said as lied down in the bed.  “We can clean tomorrow.”

            Steve shook his head.  “It’ll just take a second.  Most of it’s already picked up.  Do you… where do you want them?”

            Bucky made a face.  “The trash can is still a nice home for them.”

            “Can I keep some?” Steve asked nervously.  He couldn’t throw them out. They were a piece of Bucky, and he couldn’t get rid of them. “I just--I like them.  If you want… I can throw them out. I just thought… .”

            Bucky sighed.  “Stevie… can we talk about it in the morning?  Baby, I don’t want to think about that right now.”

            Steve relented as he tucked the art back in the drawer.  “Okay, we can talk tomorrow.”

            Steve opened Bucky’s drawer and tossed him a pair of sweats before he slipped some on himself.  Bucky put the pants on as Steve snuck into bed next to him. He made sure that he was on Bucky’s left.  Bucky liked to lie on his left side and cover Steve with his right arm. Steve had made the mistake of sleeping on Bucky’s right once… Bucky had tossed and turned all night and the following morning had contained a fight for the ages.  Steve never slept on the right side again.

            Bucky situated himself so that he was on his left side, wrapping his arm around Steve.  Their heads were touching. Steve was lying on his back as he glanced over to Bucky. He was glad that this was Bucky’s favorite resting position.  He could feel him. He knew that he was still there. He would be able to sleep through the night if he could feel that Bucky was there with him.

            “Bucky,” Steve whispered, his voice was barely audible.

            “Yeah, baby?” Bucky said just as softly.  

            “Please don’t let go.  Not tonight.” _Not ever._  It brought Steve back to the memory of the old cassette tape.  Steve still had the replacement. He couldn’t remember the last time that he’d listened to it.  Maybe he’d try to dig it out.

            Bucky hummed against his ear as he kissed the side of Steve’s head tenderly.  “S’okay, baby. That’s why I like this position. No one can take you away if I’ve got you.”  

            Steve wasn’t worried about being taken away or asked to leave.  He was worried about Bucky being taken away from him. He was worried that he’d lose him soon.  Their only hope had just shattered in front of them, and now all they had was the present. They’d been so stupid.  Steve should have just told Bucky how he felt back when they were ten years old at Lehigh. Then they could have all the time that had been allotted to them.  Instead, so much of it was wasted.

            Steve leaned his against Bucky as his eyelids began to feel heavy.  Maybe when he woke up, it will have all been a dream. He’d wake up at Lehigh and no time would have passed.  He’d tell Bucky about this dream and they’d laugh. They weren’t organ donors. They were just regular kids who could grow up to be anything they wanted.  Connie would be there too. Everything would be fine. Everything _had_ to be fine.  

            Bucky tightened his grip on Steve as he tried to move even closer to him.  He smelled like… _Bucky_ , and Steve had a horrible feeling that he’d only get to smell him for a finite amount of time.  His eyes wandered back over to the bedside table with Bucky’s artwork. He just wanted something to hold onto.  If he had to lose Bucky, he was going to need a piece of him. Even if it was just art. Bucky himself said that he had put his heart and soul into that work.  Steve wanted to hold Bucky’s soul in his hands forever.

            “Baby, relax for a minute,” Bucky grumbled.  “I can pretty much hear you thinking. Just go to bed.  Whatever it is, we can talk about it tomorrow.”

            “I like the art--”

            “Stevie--”

            “Buck, listen, I heard what you said--in the car--about comple--you know.  I just--this is a part of you. I don’t want to give up a single piece of you.  I could hold onto these… after.” Steve said looking into Bucky’s eyes. “I know we said we’d discuss it tomorrow--”

            “One.” Bucky said closing his eyes.  “You can keep one. Make sure it’s a good one.  Can we go to sleep now?”

            Steve nodded.  He felt a rush of relief wash over him.  He’d get to still keep a piece of Bucky. That was good.  It wouldn’t be the same, but it would be something. Something to hold him over until his donations.  Steve found himself actually wishing for them to come. If his donations started then maybe he wouldn’t have to worry about Bucky completing.  Maybe he would just complete first.

            The next morning, Steve woke up to someone switching the lights on.  Bucky’s arm was still around him so it wasn’t him. Steve blinked his eyes open to see one of the nurses standing in the doorway.  She looked at them sympathetically. “Listen, you two are consenting adults so I don’t care what you get up to, but if you could at least pretend to spend the night in your own rooms--”

            “What’ll they do?” Bucky asked as he sat up in bed.  “They’re scrapping us for parts anyway.”

            She sighed sadly.  “I don’t make the rules, James--”

            “They’re stupid rules,” Bucky argued.  “C’mon, Claire. Can’t you just let us have this one?”

            Claire gave him a sympathetic look.  “James--”

            “It’s okay,” Steve relented.  “I will do my best to wander back into my room before our wake up call--”

            “Like hell,” Bucky argued.  “He’s my carer. Steve’s just making sure that I make it through the night.  You know risky things get after the second donation. Steve is just going above and beyond the call of duty.”

            “I assume that’s why you’re both shirtless and your dirty clothes are on the floor.” She raised an eyebrow.  “These are the rules. I’d hate to see you two get separated over something like this.”  
            “Is that a threat?” Bucky asked as he got out of the bed.

            “Bucky,” Steve said nervously as he stood up.  “Let it go, Buck. We’ll figure it out. She’s just trying to give us a heads up.  Someone else might have reported this already.”

            “I’m not going to ‘report’ anyone,” Claire said as she put an arm out defensively.  “I’m not the only nurse around here and some of them are sticklers for the rules. I’m sorry.  I wish things were different.”

            Steve nodded as he took Bucky’s hand.  “It’s okay. We had a rough day yesterday.  We don’t mean to take it out on you.”

            Her face softened at that.  “Just do your best to be dressed and in the chair by the time the morning rounds begin, all right?”  

            “Thank you,” Steve said, loosening his grip on Bucky’s hand.

            She nodded.  “Okay, just get dressed.  Breakfast is in the mess hall.”

            Bucky gripped Steve’s hand tighter, pulling him closer as Claire shut the door.  “Let’s get out of here. Can we go somewhere for breakfast?”

            “You have your check up, Buck,” Steve said calmly.  “Maybe after we can do something.”

            “Let’s go back to the boat,” Bucky suggested as he kissed Steve’s lips sweetly.  “It’ll be just the two of us. It’s our spot. We can spend all day there. What do you say?”

            “I don’t know if they’re gonna approve us for a second day trip right after the one we took yesterday, Buck.”  Steve said honestly. “I’ll ask, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.”

            Bucky nodded sadly.  “Yeah--okay. I just don’t want to spend the rest of my days here.  I don’t want my last memories to be of this place.”

            Steve’s heart panged.  “Okay. Okay, Bucky. I’ll see what I can do.  I’ll try and arrange a bunch of things… I can’t guarantee they’ll agree to all of them, but I’ll see what I can do.”

            Bucky relented as he grabbed a shirt from his drawer and put it on.  He glanced at the scattered artwork and turned to Steve. “You can pick the one you want while I’m at my check up.  I’d like the rest gone when I get back.”

            Steve felt his heart drop.  He wanted all of them. He knew that it was Bucky’s art, and Bucky’s choice, but Steve wanted the art more than words could say.  “Bucky--”

            “Stevie, c’mon,”  Bucky whined as he threw his head back.  “I don’t want to look at it--”

            “You won’t have to,” Steve said honestly.  “I’ll bring them back to my apartment. You won’t have to see them ever again--”

            “It was a waste--”

            “It was our one chance--”

            “There was never a chance--”

            “It’s a piece of you,” Steve said despondently.  “Bucky, please--”

            Bucky let out a breath, it was clear that he was frustrated.  “Stevie, we agreed last night. One. Let’s be realistic here, it’s all just  going to collect dust anyway. I’m sure when it’s your turn, your carer won’t give a fuck about the old artwork that you used to carry around.”

            “If you really want them gone, I’ll get rid of them,” Steve gave in.  “When I look at them I see you, Buck. You put your heart and soul into all of these, and I know it’s stupid, but I feel like they’ll help me hold on to you.”

            Bucky shook his head.  “You’ve got it all wrong, babe.  Some of the art is me, but most of it was about you.  The angry ones were from me being mad at myself for not telling you how I felt.  The happy ones were mostly from when I thought about Lehigh and how close we all were.  There’s this one,” Bucky opened the drawer and rifled through it. When he found the piece, he handed it to Steve.  It was beautiful as was all Bucky’s work, but this one had color, lighter color. There were accents of blue and pastels.  Most of what Bucky had lying around were harsher colors, or had no color at all, this one was different. “This one was from me thinking about that time we were in Staten Island.  I remember I just wanted to kiss you. I wasn’t even that worried about what was going on with Connie. I know that sounds horrible. I just knew that you were dealing with stuff, especially after I caught you with those magazines, and I wanted to make sure that you were okay.”

            Steve laughed sarcastically at that.  “The magazines. Connie said that the two of you talked about that.”

            Bucky shrugged.  “Yeah, but I don’t think that she understood what you were doing.  She thought that you were trying to learn more about sex and stuff.  I knew. I knew that you were looking for your original. What did you think that it’d explain something or…”

“You never looked,” Steve said softly.  “How come? Connie wanted hers to be something ideal.  I just wanted to know for sure that mine was trash, you didn’t care to know at all.”

Bucky smiled sadly at him.  “I knew all I ever needed to know.  He could’ve been anyone. He could have been a prince, or a prostitute, scientist, drug dealer.  It didn’t matter. He chose this. He chose to be modeled for the donor program. He decided that a couple of bucks was worth being used as a model to assist the donor program.  I didn’t want to meet anyone who’d be so willing to bring someone into this world, only to see them taken out of it. The worst part is, they get to clean their hands of it. They say that all it takes is a swab of your cheek cells and then they have all they need to know to model a donor.  Whoever he was, or is, didn’t care that there was going to be a life on the end of that swab. Also, I just never understood why you two felt that you needed to know. It wouldn’t have mattered. Even if we found them, they’d just be a stranger walking around with the same face. I always thought that Connie was hoping she’d find a family like she saw on TV, and that this person would’ve been a mother figure to her.  I hate to speak ill of the completed but it didn’t make sense. I didn’t want to meet someone who signed my death certificate.”

            Steve sighed.  “I guess that makes sense.  I just always thought that if I found my original then it would explain things about me.  I thought it would give me a good reason to have shit luck. It would have made it easier to blame it on someone else.  I know it sounds pretty foolish, but I couldn’t let that idea go.”

            “You know everyone thinks that the world is out to get them and that their luck is shit, right?  It’s not exclusive to you.”

            “I guess.  I just thought that it could explain why I was so obsessed with my best friend’s boyfriend,” Steve confessed.  “I figured that if he took naked pictures that it could explain why I was so obsessed with the idea of being the one you chose instead of Connie.”

            Bucky kissed Steve’s head sweetly.  “It should have been us from the beginning.  I’m sorry, baby. Now we’re stuck in this shit situation.  We could have had all that time to be together.”

            Steve shrugged.  “Yeah, I guess. I never said anything either.  That’s on me too. You don’t get to take the blame for all of that.”

            Bucky smirked at him as he kissed him sweetly.  “Well, we can’t waste another second. My point… about the art that I was trying to make earlier was that _you_ already have my heart and soul.  These doodles aren’t going to change that.  You can’t use them to wish me alive either.”

            “Fine,” Steve relented.  “I’ll throw the rest out.  I’m keeping the one that you just showed me.  I still have that stationary set that you got me, plus the tape and cassette player.  You know that I used to listen to it almost all night so that I wouldn’t have to hear you and Connie.  Between the screaming and the sex, it was all very disturbing. It made it easier for me. If I couldn’t hear you, I could pretend that it wasn’t happening.”

            Bucky looked sadly at him.  “I really hurt you, didn’t I?  It wasn’t easy for you.”

            “I’ve loved you since we were ten, Buck.  It wasn’t easy seeing you with Connie,” Steve admitted.

            Bucky kissed Steve sweetly.  “I’m sorry. I was with Connie for so long that I was scared.  If things didn’t work out with us, Stevie, I don’t know what I’d do.  I was terrified that I’d lose both of you if I ended it. You were her best friend, and I’d be the dick that dumped her to try and be with you instead.  Besides, with Connie things were easy. We didn’t care much so we didn’t fight much. Once we started fighting, and you weren’t talking to me anyway, it didn’t seem to matter.  I’d lost you both anyway.”

            Steve leaned his forehead against Bucky’s.  “You got us back. I know with Connie it was only for a little while, but now I’m the one losing both of you.”

            “You’re not losing me yet, Stevie,” Bucky said as he grabbed the nape of Steve’s neck and kissed him passionately.  “From now until we get that call it’s you and me. Til the end of the line, baby.”

            Steve nodded,  his head back against Bucky’s.  “Go get ready for your check up, Buck.  I’ll be here when you get back. Besides, this will give a chance to clean up in here and arrange some more trips.”

            Bucky groaned as he kissed Steve one last time.  “Get rid of the art you’re not keeping. I’ll be back in a half hour.”

           Steve grimaced as Bucky walked out of the room.  He glanced back at the artwork and sighed. He really didn’t want to throw any of it out.  If it was what Bucky wanted then Steve wasn’t going to argue about it anymore. He was sifting through them when his eyes went back to the one that Bucky had showed him before.  The blue and pastel one. The one that Bucky had made while he was thinking of the two of them back at Lehigh before everything went wrong. This was the one he had to keep. Throwing the others away would be hard, but it would kill him to throw that one in the trash.

He gathered up the rest of them and regretfully placed them gently in the trash can.  Steve glanced at the clock, he still had time before Bucky would be back. He went over the nurses’ station.  Claire was sitting there typing up a report. Steve felt himself redden.

“I was wondering if Buc-- James B. had any restrictions for day trips.  I know that we’ve been checking him out of here a lot and I just want to make sure that we haven’t been flagged.”  Steve cleared his throat.

            “You haven’t been flagged yet,” Claire said, not looking up from her screen.  “It takes them a while to start looking at the logs. Still, you two might want to pump the breaks a bit.  If your names start popping up too much then it could catch someone’s eye.”

            Steve nodded.  “All right. Any chance we can get out of here today for a little while without having to go through the log?”

            She gave him a look.  “You know that I can’t approve that.”

            “We just--”

            “I get it,” Claire said exasperatedly.  “The two of you don’t want to be cooped up in here all day.  There are nurses coming in and out of every room and it makes it hard to get any privacy.  I’m sorry. You have to wait for his check up anyway. Maybe you can get yours here too. You could go to them together if you wanted.  Just a suggestion.”

            Steve took a deep breath.  “That’s not exactly what we had in mind.”

            “I’m sure that it wasn’t,” Claire agreed.  “Listen, I’m sorry. I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.  He hasn’t been scheduled for his next donation yet--”

            “That can happen at any time,” Steve said as he rested his elbows against the counter of the nurses’ station and rested his head in his hands.  “We just want to make the most of whatever time we’ve got.”

            She frowned at him.  “He’s got to stay healthy.  You both do. That means…”

“I know what it means,” Steve said shortly.  “It means we can’t be exposed to much. I’m a carer so my privileges are different, but even I can get flagged if I’m off site too frequently.  He doesn’t want to spend the rest of his time stuck here.”

“I’m sorry.  All that is well above my paygrade,” Claire said with a sympathetic smile.  “I’d try to prioritize if I were you. Figure out which trips you two really want to take and put in for them.  Otherwise go pick up some board games or something. I know he used to spend all his time drawing in that room--”

“Well that’s a little difficult now,” Steve deadpanned.  “He can’t exactly hold down the paper--”

“Why don’t you look into getting an easel?  This way he doesn’t have to hold onto it,” Claire suggested.

Steve made a face.  “I don’t think he wants to spend much more time on art.  He asked to throw it all away.”

“Just an idea,” Claire said.  “I’m sure that you two could figure something out.”

Steve sighed.  “I’ll do some research.  Thanks anyway.”

He stalked off back to Bucky’s room.  Bucky was in there already. He smiled as he saw Steve.  “What’s on tap for the day?”

Steve frowned.  “Right now, nothing.  I’m afraid that we’re gonna get flagged.  If they keep seeing us on the log it’s going to bring attention to us.  Right now, the best thing that we can do is try and fly under the radar.”

Bucky sighed as he began walking towards the window.  “I hate being stuck inside here.”  
            Steve didn’t say anything, he just picked up the clothes from the previous night and placed them in the hamper.  “The nurse--Claire had a suggestion.”

“Yeah?”

“She thought it might be a good idea to get you an easel.  This way--”

“You know I don’t want to do art anymore, Stevie,” Bucky interjected.

Steve nodded.  “Yeah. I know.  I just have one request, Bucky.”

Bucky looked over his shoulder to where Steve was standing.  “What?”

“Draw me.  I drew you,” Steve said quietly.

Bucky took a deep breath.  “I don’t do that kind of art, Steve--”

“Can’t you just try--for me?” Steve felt like a child, begging.

“Baby--”

“It’s something to do,” Steve pressed him.  “Please--”

Bucky smiled devilishly at him.   “I’ll do it on one condition.” He sauntered over to Steve and whispered in his ear.  “I want to do a full figure drawing of you, baby.”

            Steve felt himself redden a deep scarlet.  “There aren’t any locks here, Buck.”

            “That’ll make it exciting--”

            “I could get removed from your case,” Steve said seriously.  “I hate pulling that cord but…”

            Bucky shrugged.  “No easel.”

            Steve’s jaw dropped a bit at that.  “Bucky--”

            Bucky kissed his lips sweetly.  “I’ll draw you, baby. But if we can get out of here every so often, maybe we can revisit that figure drawing idea.”

            Steve smiled shyly as he glanced down, avoiding Bucky’s eyes.  “We’ll see.”

            Bucky kissed him chastely again as he plopped down on the bed.  “If we’re not going anywhere this afternoon, what are we doing?”

            Steve shrugged.  “I don’t know, if you want me to bring over a movie or something.  I can pick some stuff up from my apartment or--”

            “No--no,” Bucky cut him off.  “I don’t want you going anywhere.  I don’t want to spend another second without you.”

            Steve gave him a look.  “That is not entirely realistic--”

            “You know what I mean,” Bucky grumbled.  “We can rent a movie from here if you want.”

            Steve sighed as he leaned against the bedside table.  “We can go down to the rec room--”

            “It’s a shit show down there,” Bucky groaned.

            “I can pick us up a board game--”

            “I don’t want you leave.”

            “Then what would you like to do?” Steve asked in defeat.  “What would you like to do, Bucky?”

            Bucky threw his head back against the pillows.  “I _would like_ to be somewhere far away from here spending a few months alone with the love of my life, but apparently that’s not going to happen.”

            Steve sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose.  “Do you want to talk about yesterday--”

            “I think we kind of have to, Steve,” Bucky said shortly.

            Steve crossed his arms as he stood up from the chair.  “For the record, I’m pretty upset about this too, Buck--”

            “I know,” Bucky said weakly.  “I’m not trying to take this out on you--”

            “Then stop.  I have been walking on eggshells, Buck.  I cleaned up the room, I threw out your art.  This is killing me.” Steve was pacing back and forth.  “Do you have any idea how pissed off I am Bucky. Except I can’t be pissed off because _you’re_ the one due for a donation.  But I am pissed. I’m pissed because we wasted all that fucking time.  Lehigh. The apartments. I’m trying not to be angry but I just keep getting more and more fired up.  Connie. You. Why were you with her? If you didn’t love her, why stay? But I can’t be mad about that because I’ve finally got you and I want to everything to be as good as possible until…” he choked up.  “Until your next donation. It’s all… you’re not the only one hurting right now, Buck.”

            Bucky stood up and walked over to him.  “Stevie… I… it sounds incredibly frustrating.”

            “Don’t joke right now, Bucky,” Steve said seething.  “I don’t want to fight. I want us to enjoy whatever time we have left, but you are making that incredibly difficult.”

            “Baby--”

            “No.  You agreed.  You’re going to fight, so stop acting like this next donation will be your last--”

            “Stop acting like it’s not possible that it’ll be my last and I will,” Bucky snapped.  

            Steve rubbed his forehead.  “If you go in with that attitude then you will!  If you go in with that attitude then you will complete, without a doubt.  Make it hard for them, Buck--”

            “Stevie,” Bucky said softly.  “You haven’t begun your donations yet.  You don’t know what I know. It sucks. They hurt.  The things that I can physically do are cut in half, and the things that I can still do are a lot harder.  Baby, I’m going to fight as hard as I can, but I can only keep doing this for so long. If it’s not my third that gets me, then it’ll be my fourth or my fifth.  There is no way that we make it out of this. If it’s hard for me now, it’s only going to get worse.”

            Steve looked away from him.  He knew that Bucky was right.  He knew that it was really only a matter of time.  He didn’t want to admit it, though. He wished that there was some other way.  “I know that… I just… I can’t lose you. Not again. I just got you back.”

            Bucky stood up and walked over to where Steve was pacing.  He grabbed his forearm and kissed him deeply. “I wish I could tell you something different.  You and I both know how this ends. I’m sorry that I got our hopes up with the deferral. I should’ve known it was stupid.  I’m sorry I took so long to tell you how I felt, but you didn’t offer up the information easily either.”

            “I kissed you on the cheek and days later you were dating my best friend,” Steve said.  “I thought that was your way of telling me you weren’t interested. After that, you were with Connie--”

            “I know,” Bucky admitted.  “I know that, but Stevie, there’s no way for us to go back and change anything.  It is what is is. If I could go back and do things differently, I would, but we’d always wind up here anyway.  I don’t think any amount of time would really be enough. Do you?”

            Steve leaned his forehead against Bucky’s.  “That’s not the point. The point is we wasted all this time.  I find out that Connie orchestrated this whole thing to keep us apart, and that you were with her out of convenience and I can’t have a reaction because she completed and you…”

“I know,” Bucky sighed.  “I know that I fucked this situation up pretty badly.  For what it’s worth, I’m scared out of my fucking mind.  The only thing keeping me going right now, is you.”

            Steve nodded against Bucky’s forehead.  “Okay. I won’t bring it up again. I just… I wish things were different.”

            “Me too,” Bucky said with a sad smile.

            The next few weeks consisted of a few day trips here and there.  Steve spent almost every night at the medical facility with Bucky.  He did stay at his place occasionally. He had to go to his own check ups and his check in place was not close to Bucky’s facility.  Steve wasn’t dumb. His check ups were becoming more and more frequent. He would be getting his letter to donate soon. He knew it was only a matter of time.

            He was driving to Bucky’s facility.  He had a big day planned for the two of them.  It was a secret, Bucky’s spirits had been down and Steve was trying to cheer him up.  

He arrived at the facility and tapped in.  Steve wandered into Bucky’s room. He was laying on the bed, reading one of the books that Steve had left for him last time.  “Hey,” Steve said as he leaned against Bucky’s door.

            Bucky’s face lit up as he saw him.  He tossed the book down and stalked over to Steve.  He kissed him chastely. “This is a nice surprise. I didn’t think I was going to see you until later in the week.”

            Steve shrugged.  “I wanted to see you.”

            “How was your check up yesterday?” Bucky asked as he looked Steve up and down.

            “Fine, I guess.”  Steve scratched the back of his head.  “Look, I’m taking you somewhere special today.”

            Bucky raised an eyebrow.  “Oh, yeah? Where are we going?”

            “You’ll see,” Steve said as Bucky walked over to his bedside table.  He pulled out a different shirt and began to change.

            “Do I have to wear anything nice?  Is a t-shirt good?” Bucky asked the moment his shirt was off.

            Steve shook his head.  “T-shirt is perfect. There’s no dress code.”

            Bucky nodded as Steve walked over and helped him put the shirt on.  His hands grazing over Bucky’s scars as he assisted him with the shirt.  

            “Did they mention anything about starting your donations?” Bucky asked nervously.  “Is my next one scheduled…”

            “No,” Steve said with a sigh.  “No one said a word about my donations.  They can’t disclose anything until I get my letter anyway.  I haven’t heard anything about your next donation yet. Once I hear, I’ll let you know.  I wouldn’t have walked right in here and took you on a trip without telling you about the donation.  I think I’d be a lot less happy right now if that were the case.”

            Bucky nodded.  “I thought you wanted to give us one last happy day before announcing the bad news.”

            Steve took a deep breath.  “I don’t think that I’d be able to keep that to myself.  As much as I would like to give you a great day before breaking terrible news to you.  I don’t think I’m strong enough for that.”

            Bucky met Steve’s lips with his own.  “We could always just spend the day at the boat.  Just the two of us.”

            Steve felt his face begin to redden.  “As appealing as that is, I think you’re going to like this surprise.  Just humor me, Buck.”

            Bucky groaned as he took Steve’s hand in his own.  “Then let’s get going.”

            Steve led Bucky out of the building, tapping their bracelets against the sensor as they headed out to the car.  Bucky eyed him quizzically as they entered the car. He didn’t say anything as he buckled himself.

            “You’re going to love it,” Steve promised as he began driving. It took about an hour and a half to get to the place.  It was on Long Island and traffic was hell. Steve didn’t know the way very well either. He’d only ever gone to the island when he had a donor staying in one of the medical facilities there.  He’d requested not to have to travel there after that. The traffic was a nightmare just getting to and from the island. Once he was actually on it, it wasn’t so bad. It was just an issue of getting there before his donor’s donations.  He was almost always late.

            Steve looked over to Bucky as they got close.  There were signs indicating where they were going, but Bucky didn’t seem to notice.  He was looking down, probably bored out of his mind considering how long they’d been in the car.  He must’ve seen Steve glancing because he looked back up at him. “We almost there?”

            Steve nodded.  “Just a few minutes away.  Any guesses?”

            Bucky shrugged.  “No idea, babe. Clearly, we’re in the suburbs.  Are we going to a theme park?”

            Steve shook his head.  “Definitely not.” He turned into the parking complex and Bucky’s eyes lit up.  

            “Stevie… are you shitting me?  If this is a joke then that would be cruel,” Bucky said as he sat up in his seat.

            Steve shook his head.  “It’s not a joke, Buck.”

            Bucky’s jaw dropped as he looked back at the stadium.  It was smaller than the ones used for major league ball, but donors weren’t allowed in those stadiums.  In fact they weren’t allowed in most, there was too much alcohol and the risk of getting hit with a baseball was a concern.  However this stadium was small, any chance of getting hit with a ball was slim because it would just fly out of the park with ease.  Besides, they were sitting behind the net right behind the catcher. It was the safest spot in the park. Additionally, they didn’t serve alcohol to donors.  Not that Steve minded. He’d only had alcohol a few times and never saw the appeal. He wasn’t sure how Bucky felt about it though.

            “Stevie, this is…”

            “I’m sorry,” Steve said quietly.  “I wish we could’ve gone earlier. Before everything went to hell.  I just… it took awhile to figure it out and I thought we’d have all the time in the world after we…” He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence.

            Bucky’s face fell a bit at that.  “Don’t apologize. This is the best gift anyone could have ever given me.”

            “It’s not a major league team--”

            “I don’t care, Stevie,” Bucky said, grinning widely.  “We get to see a ballgame… live and in person. That’s all I’ve ever wanted since we were kids at Lehigh.”

            Steve smiled at that as he pulled into a parking spot.  “We’ve got pretty good seats,” he said as they got out of the car.  “Not that it really matters, the stadium is pretty small as it is.”

            Bucky got out of the car and slung his arm around Steve’s shoulders.  “I’m sure it’s gonna be great, Stevie.”

            Steve led Bucky over to the gate and presented the tickets to the man standing by the turnstiles.  The attendant took the ticket and handed them the stub. Steve didn’t miss the judgement in his eyes as he saw their identification bracelets.  He didn’t say anything. Today was about Bucky. That was all that mattered.

            Steve led Bucky to their seats.  They were the first row right behind home plate.  Bucky’s eyes widened as they sat down. “Wow. Look at how close we are!”

            Steve smiled as he watched Bucky bouncing up in down in his seat like a kid.  This was the happiest he’d seen him since they had gotten the news about the deferrals.  Bucky used to always talking about going to see a ballgame in person. He was glad that he would get that at least.

            The game itself wasn’t impressive.  It was a day game in the minor league at the smallest stadium in creation.  There wasn’t much of a crowd and the home team evidently wasn’t very good, but Bucky didn’t seem to mind.  In fact he was acting like a kid. He was practically jumping up from his seat every time a player so much as made contact with the ball.  Steve was having fun just watching Bucky watch the game.

            “You want a hotdog or something?” Steve asked after the third inning.  He figured that was all part of the experience, and since beer wouldn’t be an option, the least he could do would be to get him a hot dog.

            Bucky beamed at him.  “Please and thank you, Stevie.”

            Steve smiled. He kissed Bucky’s lips sweetly as he got up from his seat and walked over to the concession area.  There wasn’t a line, as there was hardly anyone there, and Steve just ordered two hot dogs. Steve remembered that as a treat, Lehigh served hot dogs occasionally.  Typically, they weren’t considered nutritional enough for the students. Still, Steve thought he remembered enjoying them, and they smelled good at least. He also got them two colas.  They could be a little less nutritious for an afternoon.

            When he made it back to the seat, Bucky was waving his arm around and yelling at the umpire for making a bad call.  Steve laughed to himself as he sat down on the aisle seat and began putting the drinks in the cupholders in front of the seats.  “Having fun?”

            Bucky’s head snapped to Steve and he immediately stopped heckling the poor ump and sat back down.  “I swear, the guy’s blind. That was clearly a strike.”

            “Buck, we’re directly behind the plate.  How would you be able to even tell?” Steve asked trying to stop himself from laughing.  “Just enjoy your hot dog.”

            Bucky gave him a look.  “I could tell.” He held out his hand and Steve gave him the hot dog.  

            “Thanks,” Bucky said as he kissed Steve’s cheek before taking a bite of the food.  Bucky’s eyes practically rolled back in his head. “Stevie, this is the best thing I’ve ever eaten.”

            Steve laughed as he took a bite of his.  It was good, it was definitely better than the food that they served at the medical facility, but still, he wasn’t sure if he would say it was the _best_ thing he’d ever eaten.  “I like it,” he said noncommittally.

            “That’s it?  That’s your reaction to this work of art?”  Bucky asked with his mouth full.

            Steve laughed.  “I like it a lot, all right.  I still think that the food they cooked us up at Lehigh was pretty good too.”

            “Not like this,” Bucky said, shaking his head as he took another bite.  “This is amazing. You can practically taste how bad it is for you.”

            Steve laughed at that.  “You got me there. I was thinking maybe getting some peanuts later on.  Isn’t that a baseball snack thing?”

            Bucky smiled softly at him. “Thanks for all this, Stevie.”

            Steve shrugged, trying to play it off.  “I figured it’d be fun--”

            Bucky kissed Steve deeply, and Steve could still taste the hot dog on his breath.  “Stop being modest. This isn’t something you did on a whim.”

            Steve’s face reddened as he scratched the back of his neck shyly.  “It’s the one thing on your bucket list. I thought the best way to do it would be _before_ you get notified of your next donation.  I figured it’d be more fun this way.”

            Bucky smiled widely at that.  “Definitely more fun. I just didn’t think that most of these places let donors in.”

            Steve nodded.  “It’s rare, that’s why we had to come all this way.  I hope it was worth it.”

            “Hell fucking yeah it’s worth it,” Bucky said as he looked back at the diamond on the field.  “I think this is the best afternoon I’ve ever had. Best part is, I get to spend it with my best guy.”

            Steve looked down as he took Bucky’s hand in his own.  He wanted to keep today happy and upbeat, but the fact was, he had no idea how many more afternoons together that they had left.  It was only a matter of time before Bucky got word of his next donation, and Steve would get his letter to begin donations shortly after.  He didn’t see them assigning him to another donor after Bucky.

            In the end, Steve wound up buying Bucky peanuts, crackerjacks, ice cream, and a foam finger with a baseball cap.  He couldn’t help himself. The way Bucky’s eyes kept lighting up like a kid on Christmas every time Steve came back, made him keep going back to get him more.  He wanted the day to be perfect. Bucky deserved a perfect day.

            After the game, they were walking back to the car, hand in hand.  Bucky was recapping the game to Steve as if he hadn’t watched the whole thing with him.  The game wasn’t even that exciting, but Bucky didn’t seem to notice. “The way that he made that catch at the end! Stevie, it was an amazing catch!”

            Steve smiled smally at him.  “It was impressive.”

            “Impressive?”  Bucky shook his head.  “That kid should be brought up to the majors based on that catch alone.”

            Steve laughed.  “Who knows, maybe he will be.  Too bad they lost, though.”

            Bucky shrugged.  “They can’t win them all, right?”

            Steve didn’t think that it was important to mention that the team currently had a losing record.  Bucky was just so excited and he didn’t want to rain on his parade. “No,” Steve agreed. “They can’t win them all.”

            They got to Steve’s car and went inside.  Steve tossed Bucky’s foam finger in the back seat as Bucky buckled up.

“I take it you had a good time?” Steve asked as he began fastening his own seatbelt.

            “That’s an understatement, babe.  This… this was amazing.” Bucky grinned toothily.

            Steve smiled at him as he began backing out of the parking spot. The entire ride back, Bucky was talking nonstop about the game.  He was still wearing the baseball cap. It read _Ducks_ on it.  That was the name of the home team, and even though it was a horrible shade of green, Steve was glad that Bucky seemed to like it.  Even the foam finger in the back seat was in the shape of a webbed foot. Bucky didn’t seem to care.

            “Are you staying tonight?” Bucky asked as they were getting closer to the medical facility.

            Steve wasn’t planning on spending the night.  He didn’t even have a change of clothes with him, but if Bucky wanted him to stay, he wouldn’t say no.  “I can. If you want me to.”

            The corners of Bucky’s lips curled up into a smile.  “Yeah… yeah, I’d like that.”

            Steve nodded.  “Then I’ll stay.  No question about it.”

            Bucky’s eyes lit up at that.  “Great. I just don’t want today to end.  I know you can’t come over or stay every night, but… it just sucks when you’re not there with me.  You know.”

            “Yeah,” Steve confessed.  “I get it. Believe me, if I had it my way, I’d stay with you all day everyday.  It’s also just frowned upon by the medical facilities. I just don’t… I don’t want us to be on their radar if we can avoid it.”

            “I know,” Bucky said, but his voice sounded defeated.  “I just wish that wasn’t an issue.”

            Steve felt his heart pang at that.  “I’ll see what I can do. Maybe I can talk to Claire.  She seemed to be willing to work with us. I just don’t want them to report us or something.  I’ve been taking you out of there a lot and the goal is to keep you as healthy as possible.”

            Bucky laughed bitterly at that.  “Donors. The only people in the world that need to die healthy.”

            Steve frowned at that.  They had been having such a nice time, but as usual, the conversation wound up going back to donations.  Still, Bucky wasn’t wrong. In any other situation when someone died, the questions would be ‘did they take care of themselves?’ or ‘were they healthy?’ but with donors, they had to be healthy otherwise their organs would be virtually useless.  “Maybe they’ll cut us some slack since my check up just came back good.”

            Bucky nodded as he glanced out the window.  “I hope so, Stevie.”

            When they finally pulled into the parking lot of the medical facility, the mood had gotten better.  Bucky was talking about the game again, and he kept going on about the hot dog. Steve was glad that Bucky wasn’t going to let their situation ruin their day.  They tapped their bracelets against the sensors as they entered the building. It was about eight o’clock, so they had certainly made it back in time for curfew.  

            Steve followed Bucky back to the bedroom, but it was becoming clear that the staff didn’t want Steve to stay the night.  Nurses kept poking their heads in asking if they needed anything, and if Steve was aware of the time. Each time they entered, Bucky would get more and more visibly tense.  Steve didn’t blame him. They weren’t doing anything. The two of them were just talking. They weren’t even fucking. He didn’t understand why they wanted him gone that night.

            Still, Steve stayed the night.  He promised Bucky that he would, and the nurses didn’t have the authority to make Steve leave.  It wasn’t as though they even asked him to leave. Their actions just made it increasingly clear that they didn’t want him there.  Tough shit. Steve was going to lose Bucky soon enough. If he wanted to spend more time with him before that happened, then so be it.

            Once it was nine o’clock, they stopped coming in.  It was clear that Steve would miss curfew if he left at that point, so they dropped it.  Still, it was irritating that they were trying to force him out of there.

            “Thanks,” Bucky said weakly as he was changing into something more comfortable.  “I’m glad you’re staying.”

            Steve met his eyes.  He looked at him softly.  “I’m not going anywhere, Buck.  I told you I was going to stay, and that’s what I’m going to do.”

            “Good,” Bucky said firmly.  “They’re gonna get their way soon enough anyway.”

            “Yeah,” Steve said barely louder than a whisper.  “I guess they are.”

            Bucky tossed one of his shirts at Steve.  “Here, something for you to change into. Sorry that it’s not two sizes too small like how you usually like them.”

            Steve gave him a look as he began to switch his shirt.  “I thought you liked them tight?”

            Bucky laughed.  “Yeah, but you don’t gotta wear one that tight all the time.  I don’t need the whole world seeing how fucking hot my guy is.”

            Steve shrugged.  “They can look all they want.  We both know that you’re the only one who can touch.”

            Bucky practically growled as he got up off the bed and kissed Steve deeply.  His arm brushing against Steve’s skin and the hem of the shirt where it met his waist.  “Damn fucking right, Stevie.”

            Steve laughed as they pulled apart.  “We’ve got to keep it PG tonight, Buck.  Those nurses are gonna be looking for any reason to separate us.”

            Bucky whined as he backed away from Steve.

            “You got any sweatpants or something?  I don’t want to wear these jeans to bed,” Steve suggested as he caught his breath.

            Bucky nodded as he went rifling through his drawers.  After about a minute, he found a pair and tossed them to Steve from across the room.  “Those are probably your actual size too.”

            Steve grinned at that.  “I get it, my clothes are tight.”

            “They’re like a second layer of skin--”

            “I hear you loud and clear, Buck,” Steve said as he kicked off the jeans that he was wearing.  Steve slipped on Bucky’s sweats, and he had to admit, they certainly had more room than he was used to.

            Bucky plopped down on the bed and motioned for Steve to join him.  Steve sauntered over and laid down next to Bucky, making sure to be on his left side.  Bucky almost immediately draped his arm over Steve’s waist as he lie down on his side. “Thank you, for today.  It means more than you know.”

            Steve smiled at that as he adjusted himself to face Bucky.  “Yeah? I’m glad you had a nice time.”

            Bucky grinned devilishly at him.  “I bet Brock and Jack never got to go see a game live.”

            Steve let out a laugh at that.  He hadn’t thought about Brock or Jack much at all since they’d left Lehigh behind.  That said, it wasn’t surprising for Bucky to be thinking about them. They almost never let Bucky play baseball with them back at school.  Bucky was probably right--they probably never did get to see a game. That fact didn’t make Steve as happy as it seemed to make Bucky. He didn’t voice that, though.

            “Do you got anything on your bucket list?” Bucky asked, Steve could feel his breath against his face.

            “No,” Steve said honestly.  “Well, not anymore. Seeing you again… being with you… that was the only thing that I really ever wanted.”

            Bucky gave him a look.  “Really? I always figured that you’d want to go see some fancy art museum or something.”

            Steve felt his stomach churn at that.  “Not really interested in art much anymore, Buck.  Besides, I saw some stuff back when we were at the apartments.  It was nice, but… like I said, art is still a bit of a sore spot.”

            Bucky nodded.  “I get it. Still, you really loved drawing.  You were pretty good at it too.”

            “Yeah,” Steve said.  “Doesn’t mean that it’s bucket list worthy.  This is all I want. You and me, what’s better than that?”

            “Not a damn thing,” Bucky said quietly.

            Steve smiled sadly at him.  “I have a Bucky list, I guess.”

            Bucky snorted.  “Really, babe? You’re such a dork.”

            Steve rolled his eyes.  “Well, you’re stuck with me.”

            “Promise?”  
            Steve’s face flushed at that.  “Cross my heart, Buck.”

The next day they were back at the boat.  Bucky was working on his drawing of Steve.  Steve had set up the easel to make it easier for Bucky.  Steve was also wearing absolutely nothing as promised. He had to admit, as uncomfortable as it made him in the beginning he was getting used to it.  Besides, it was Bucky. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t seen Steve like that before. Still, he was always worried someone would stumble upon them. He also was pretty sure that this was just an excuse that Bucky was using to get Steve out of his clothes.  

            They had been there for about an hour when Steve’s phone began to ring.  Bucky dropped the pencil as Steve sat up abruptly in the bed. They both locked eyes.  They knew what this could mean. Steve stood up and walked over to where he had his pants neatly folded on the chair.  He pulled his phone out from his pocket and he answered it.

            “Steven R. speaking,” he said hoarsely.  His mouth was dry and he could feel his heart beating out of his chest.

            _“This is an automated message for the carer of James B.  James B.’s next donation will be two weeks from today. Please inform your donor and plan accordingly.”_ The line went dead and Steve felt the tears begin to fall from his eyes.  No. No this couldn’t be happening. He felt his chest get tight, his heart was beating so fast he could feel it when he put his hand against his chest.  He looked to Bucky, who must’ve put two and two together because the easel was thrown against the wall. It was clearly broken.

Steve wiped his face.  “Two weeks.”

“Fuck!” Bucky screamed as he slammed his hand down against the counter.  “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

Steve couldn’t even think of a damn thing to say.  He wasn’t even sure if there was anything to say. They knew this was coming, but it didn’t change the fact that Steve just felt unbelievably helpless.  There was nothing they could do. They had no options. Bucky was going to go in for his third donation.

Steve walked over to Bucky and hugged him from behind.  His arms curling up under Bucky’s underarms. “I’ve got you.”  That was all he could think to say. “I got you.”

            Bucky didn’t push him away.  They just stayed like that. Steve wasn’t sure how long they stayed there for.  All he knew was that by the end of it, Bucky’s shirt was soaked wet with Steve’s tears.

            Finally, Bucky spoke up.  “I don’t want to complete.”  He turned to face Steve, his eyes were all red and puffy.  Steve imagined his must’ve looked similar.

            Steve kissed Bucky desperately.  He was here. He was still here. That seemed to make him feel just a little better.  If he could still feel Bucky, then he was still there with him. He could just focus on the moment.  He could forget about the rest.

            Bucky practically sobbed into the kiss but he kept deepening it.  Steve wasn’t even sure where his tears ended and where Bucky’s began, but he just couldn’t bring himself to break away.  Bucky was gently stroking his face and Steve was practically leaning into the touch. Bucky’s hand was grounding him there in the moment.

            Bucky’s hand moved down to the small of Steve’s back and led him back over to the bed. Steve had forgotten that he wasn’t wearing any clothes up until that moment when he went to start removing his clothes.  Instead, he kissed Bucky again, tears still falling from his eyes as he helped Bucky peel off his clothing.  

            Bucky pulled away and sniffled for a moment.  “Lube?”

            Steve took a deep breath and began racking his brain.  They’d definitely brought stuff with them, as they always did when they made a trip to the boat.  Steve just couldn’t remember where they’d thrown everything. He glanced over to the chair with his clothes.  The table next to it had the bag on it. Steve stepped away from Bucky for a moment as he grabbed the bag and pulled the lube out.  Bucky took Steve’s hand and pulled him close. He kissed Steve sweetly and released his hand as he brought it up to Steve’s eyeline.  Steve poured some of lube out into Bucky’s palm.

            Bucky motioned for Steve to lie down and he gently knelt between his legs.  Bucky slowly inserted one finger, and Steve immediately reached down and grabbed onto Bucky’s hair.  He just needed to feel Bucky and one finger wasn’t enough. Bucky was going through hell and he was still most concerned with Steve’s well being.

            “You okay?” Bucky asked quietly.  “We don’t have to--”

            “I’m fine,” Steve said weakly.  “Just need to feel you. I need to know that you’re here.  I need you now.”

            Bucky’s face fell even more than it already was.  “Baby, I refuse to hurt you. Let me just take my time.  We can enjoy it this way, okay?”  
            Steve hiccuped, but nodded.  Bucky was right. Once the medical facility got word, there would be no more day trips.  They’d be confined to the facility until Bucky donated. This might have been the last time they’d get to be together like this.

            Bucky kissed Steve’s kneecap sweetly as he began gently working his finger in and out of Steve.  Steve was practically petting Bucky’s hair, it was keeping him in the moment. Nothing else mattered if he could feel Bucky’s hair.

            Bucky slowly added a second finger and began scissoring in and out of Steve.  Steve still was just focusing on how soft the strands of Bucky’s hair felt against his fingertips.  He still had him. Bucky was still there with him. That was all that mattered.

            Bucky added a third finger, and Steve finally felt that he could release the hair.  That was enough stimulation for Steve to stay in the moment. However, Bucky removed the fingers and placed a sweet kiss to his hole before extending his hand again.  “I need more lube, babe. I meant what I said. I’m not gonna hurt you.”

            Steve took the bottle of lube and poured a healthy amount onto Bucky’s hand this time.  Bucky slicked himself up, and positioned himself. Before entering him, he looked over to Steve.  “Look at me, Stevie. Please?”

            Steve met Bucky’s eyes and at that moment he wished that Bucky had another hand that he could grab on to as he slowly entered inside of Steve.  Steve’s hands immediately began searching for Bucky’s. Bucky must have noticed because he gently shushed him as he took Steve’s hand in his own.  Steve hadn’t even realized that he was whining.

            Bucky slowly began moving in and out of him, taking his time.  He was kissing Steve’s neck as Steve’s free arm was draped around Bucky’s back holding onto him tightly.  He was there. He was there with Bucky and no one could take either of them from that moment. Maybe the moment could last an eternity.  Maybe they could stay stuck there forever.

            Bucky’s lips trailed back up to Steve’s mouth, claiming his lips hungrily.  When he pulled away he leaned his forehead against Steve’s. They stayed like that for a while, looking into each other’s eyes.  Bucky’s eyes were gorgeous and Steve could stare at them all day if the other man would let him. However, Bucky’s cock had managed to find his prostate and it had made it increasingly difficult to maintain eye contact while arching backwards into the sensation.

            Bucky let out a broken laugh.  “You like that, Stevie?”  
            Steve fought the urge to roll his eyes.  “Clearly, I’m not opposed to it.”

            Bucky released Steve’s hand as he used it to brace himself against the mattress.  Steve took the opportunity to pay attention to his own erection that had been grossly neglected throughout that process.  He began stroking his cock in rhythm with Bucky’s thrusts. Bucky met his lips again with his own, their tongues dancing. Steve wasn’t sure when he started crying again.  He only noticed because he was trying to meet Bucky’s eyes again and his vision was blurry.

            Bucky must have noticed his because he nibbled Steve’s ear gently before whispering, “I know, Stevie.  I know. Me too, baby. I’m still fucked up over this too.”

            Steve finished first.  The whole experience was overwhelming and after merely five minutes of stroking himself, he’d come.  He couldn’t even bring himself to look at Bucky. He hid his face in his shoulder. The idea that he was able to experience such bliss in the aftermath of such horrific news left him ridden with guilt.  

Bucky, on the other hand, was still working in and out of him.  Steve was holding onto him for dear life and he kept thrusting in and out, meeting his eyes again.  After a few more moments, he came inside Steve, his face painted with a pained expression of desperation as his eyes locked with Steve’s.  Afterwards, he rested his forehead against Steve’s gently.

            “Are you okay?” Steve asked breathlessly.

            “Not really,” Bucky said as he slowly removed himself from inside of Steve.  “I don’t think ‘okay’ is really an option anymore.”

            Steve tried to keep from tearing up again but he couldn’t help it.  He’d just gotten Bucky back and he was going to lose him all over again.  “I know. It was a stupid question.”

            “Can you stay over every night?” Bucky asked quietly, he sounded like they were ten years old again.  “I don’t want to be alone.”

            “Of course,” Steve said, his voice cracking.  “They’re going to have to pry you away from me.”

            Bucky kissed Steve deeply and Steve again found himself wishing that he could stay in that moment forever--a moment where all that mattered was him and Bucky.  Steve whined as Bucky pulled away from him.   “Stevie, I’m so sorry. All that time--”

            “Stop,” Steve choked out, still trying to contain his tears.  “We’re not gonna do that. What’s done is done. We’ve gotta make the most of what time we’ve got left.”

            Bucky sighed as he walked over to the pile of clothes on the floor.  Steve glanced over to the chair where his were neatly folded. He stood up and walked over to the table.  He put his shirt on before gracelessly stumbling into his pants. He looked at the time on his phone. It was time to go.

            “Buck.  We’ve gotta be back for curfew.”  Steve put his phone back in his pocket.

            Bucky nodded, his back to Steve, and Steve was almost certain that he was crying again.  “Let’s go.”

            Steve started to walk ahead of Bucky who gripped his hand tightly.  Steve stopped and glanced back at Bucky. Bucky’s eyes were so red and raw it must have hurt him just to blink.  Steve tugged on Bucky’s arm lightly. “C’mon, Buck. We can’t stay here--”

“Just give me a sec,” Bucky’s voice cracked.  “This is probably the last time I’ll…” his voice trailed off.   

            Steve nodded.  There wouldn’t be any more day trips.  This was the last time that Bucky would be able to see the boat.  This place had become so important in their lives. They had Connie to thank for that.  

            “Buck,” Steve said after a few minutes.  “Bucky, I’m sorry, but we have to get back.”

            He took a long breath before he nodded and began walking up the beach with Steve.  Steve smiled tightly as Bucky began rubbing his hand with his thumb. “Stevie, drive as slowly as possible for me?”

            “Of course,” Steve said hoarsely as they got to the car.  “I’ll drive as slow as I can.”

            “Good,” Bucky said quietly.  “The last thing that I want is to walk into that place.  I’m never gonna leave there again.”

            Steve sighed.  “Not until after your donation.  After your donation, we can start going places again.”

            Bucky shook his head and Steve could tell that it wasn’t the time to be positive.  “Stevie,” he spat through gritted teeth. “Not now.”

            Steve looked away from Bucky for a moment.  He didn’t say anything. People did make it past three donations.  Bucky could too. Bucky just couldn’t go into his donation without hope.  Now just wasn’t the time for that conversation. So he stayed silent. Bucky was hurting more than he was.  Bucky was what mattered.

            Steve still did what Bucky asked.  He took his time driving to the facility.  Still, it was tense. Steve wasn’t looking at Bucky and neither of them were speaking.  Steve didn’t exactly want to talk about what was going on, and the last thing that he wanted to do was tap in at the medical facility.  It wasn’t as though he had much of a choice. He could only imagine was Bucky was going through. Most people didn’t make it through their third.  Steve knew it was foolish to think that Bucky would be one of them. But the hope was the only thing keeping him going. He couldn’t believe that Bucky was going to complete.  He just couldn’t.

            Bucky completing would be the end of Steve.  Steve couldn’t exist in a world where Bucky didn’t.  He just couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Steve finally glanced back over to Bucky who was staring out the window.

            “Buck--”

            “I don’t want to talk about it, Steve,” Bucky cut him off curtly.

            Steve shook his head as he kept driving.  He wasn’t going to ask about that. He wasn’t going to tell Bucky to be positive.  He was just going to tell him that he was there for him. Bucky didn’t want to talk.  They didn’t have to talk.

            Steve pulled into the lot five minutes before curfew.  He was sure the nurses would have a fit with him. Steve went to get out of the car when Bucky locked the door.  “Bucky, now’s not really the time--”

            “I don’t want to go in there, Stevie,” Bucky said quietly.  “I’m never going to come back out.”

            Steve took a deep breath.  “Maybe. Maybe you won’t. I promise, I’ll be with you every step of the way.  I’ll be there. I’m with you till the end.”

            Bucky leaned over and kissed Steve’s lips softly.  “Promise?”

            Steve nodded.  “Promise.”

            Bucky unlocked the door and Steve slowly got out of the car.  Bucky walked over to him and grabbed his hand as they walked towards the entrance.  When they got there, they tapped into the entrance. The nurses were glaring at them, but they had two minutes before they would be considered late.  They hadn’t technically done anything wrong.

            “I assume you’ve received word of his donation,” one of the nurses that Steve hadn’t spoke to before practically spat at them.

            Bucky’s grip tightened and Steve was sure that if the nurses kept up like this, Bucky was going to snap.  Steve nodded and did his best to smile politely. “We heard. We tried to rush over here, but traffic was a nightmare.  It’s a miracle we got here when we did. I’m gonna help him get to bed--”

            “Oh no,” she said, wagging a finger at him.  “We’ve arranged a room for you tonight. He can’t be getting sick.”

            Steve smiled tightly.  “That’s really not necessary--”

            “He can’t be exposed to anything!  His health is paramount,” she said.

            “Then I guess, it’s a good thing that we’ve been inseparable.  I haven’t been exposed to anything that he hasn’t.” Steve shrugged.  “Besides, he was just in my ass less than an hour ago. If I had anything, he’s already got it in his system.”

            Bucky chuckled a bit at that.  “We’ll be off to bed.” He pulled Steve in the direction of his bedroom, ignoring the dirty looks they were getting from the nurses.

            Once they were in Bucky’s room, Bucky pulled him close and kissed him deeply.  “That was hot, babe.”

            Steve rolled his eyes as he kissed him, wrapping his arms around Bucky’s neck.  “I promised I’d spend the night with you. We didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know why we’re being punished.”

            “Because we’re a pair of gross, soulless donors, who only want to fornicate like animals,” Bucky said and Steve could tell from his voice that he was only half kidding.  

            “Bucky--”

            “That’s how they see us, Steve,” Bucky said, bitterness filling his voice.  “It’s not their fault. They have to see us that way. How else would they be able to justify killing us?”

            Steve didn’t say anything.  Bucky was right. He was almost always right.  Steve didn’t say anything, because there was nothing to say.  What could he possibly say to make this feel better? “Can I see my painting?”

            Bucky gave him a look.  “I threw it against the wall.  It’s kind of messed up.”  
            Steve pouted.  “I was still hoping that I could get a look at it.”

            Bucky frowned as he tossed the bag of his art supplies at Steve.  “It’s probably all crumbled now. You can look at if you want.”

            Steve opened the duffle bag and saw the rolled up parchment.  He unrolled it. It was definitely crumpled up a little bit, but it wasn’t too awful.  Steve finished unrolling it and took a look at it. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t anyone. It was a beautiful collection of lines and shapes.  The colors were pastels and light. This was how Bucky saw him.   Gentle and soft.

            Steve gasped audibly.  “Bucky… this is… amazing.  It’s amazing.”

            “I know it’s not really what you asked for, but--”

            Steve cut him off with a kiss.  “I asked you to draw me… this is how you see me.”

            “You like it then?” Bucky asked nervously.  “I wasn’t sure if you’d like it.”

            “I love it,” Steve said honestly, as he looked back to the artwork.  “I don’t understand why I had to pose nude for it though.”

            Bucky smirked.  “Inspiration.”

            Steve chuckled at that.  “I think you were just looking for an excuse to see me without my clothes on.  You could’ve just asked.”

            Bucky shrugged as he sat down on the bed.  “I think it helped. When I look at you, especially without clothes on, it just… I get all… you’re… you’re a sight to see, Stevie.”

            Steve smiled sweetly at him.  “You’re not too bad yourself, Buck.”

            Bucky snorted at that.  “Maybe when we were younger and I had two arms, and a few less scars.  Now… now I’m missing a few chunks.”

            Steve shook his head. As he walked over to where Bucky was sitting on the bed. “You’re still unbelievably gorgeous, Buck.  Only you could come out of two donations and look this good.”

            Bucky kissed Steve’s lips sweetly pulling Steve down on the bed.  “I love you. I love you. I love you.” He said each word slowly and with conviction.   “I know it took me too long to open my eyes, but I want to make sure that you know. I probably won’t be able to convince you after… my donation in two weeks.”

            “I know,” Steve said trying to reassure him.  “I know you love me, and you know I love you. That’s all that matters.  We know. We know that we’re more than what they think we are. We know that this love is real.  We know that we… we have souls just burn just as brightly as everyone else’s. Maybe even brighter.”

            “A lot of good it does us knowing.  If they knew… maybe things would be different,” Bucky said quietly.  “I used to always think that when it was my time, I wouldn’t mind much.  We all have to go eventually. But now… I finally had you. We were finally together and now I don’t want to lose this.  Now I have something worth holding onto and it’s all going to be taken away from us.”

            Steve shrugged.  “You heard what Mr. Stark said.  No one _cared_ whether or not we had souls.  It was just easier to dismiss us.  It was easier to think that we were just refrigerators, keeping their organs good until they need them.  People won’t go back to the time of disease. They won’t do it.”

            “It’s stupid,” Bucky said through gritted teeth.  “People are still dying, expect this time it’s not a tumor, it’s by slaughter.  We’re being slaughtered so that someone else can live. Who the hell gets to decide whose life is worth more?”

            “No one.  No one had to make that decision.  We were only born so that we could die,” Steve said honestly.  “It was really perfect when you think about it. If we’re only born for our organs, it eliminates the guilt.  We got to live at all, didn’t we? We should be grateful. If it weren’t for the donation process then we wouldn’t even exist,” Steve said as he rested his head on Bucky’s shoulder.  “It really was fool-proof.”

            Bucky took a deep breath as he sat up.  “Help me get changed?”

            Steve raised an eyebrow.  Bucky hated it whenever Steve offered to help with anything.  He resented the idea that he needed help, given the missing arm.  “Yeah, sure.”

            Steve stood up and went over to the bedside table.  He pulled open the drawer and fished out some clothes for them.  Steve looked over to Bucky who had already shed his shirt. Steve picked up the sleep shirt that he had taken out for Bucky and bunched it up so that he could just put the collar over Steve’s head.  He unbunched it and helped Bucky put his right arm through the arm hole. Steve smoothed the shirt out and Bucky grabbed Steve’s arm with his right hand.

            Steve looked down and him and he could see the devastation in Bucky’s eyes.  This was going to kill Steve. Steve draped his arms around Bucky’s neck and kissed him softly.  He was still with Bucky. This was real.

            Bucky pulled away and let Steve help him out of his slacks.  “Thanks for this, Steve.”

            Steve shrugged.  “I always want to help.  You just don’t always let me.”

            Bucky sighed.  “I used to have to the be the one looking out for you.”

            “That was mostly Connie.  I think even Brock and Jack were afraid of her,” Steve teased her.  “I think she really looked after both of us.”

            Bucky made a face.  “You know things were weird there for a while, with Connie, I mean.  She was great and I loved her but for a while… we were bad for each other.”

            Steve let out a breath as he knelt down and let pushed the pants up Bucky’s legs.  “Connie was a lot. She cared though, she always cared. If it weren’t for her… I never would have had any friends if it weren’t for her.”

            Bucky frowned.  “You would’ve have had me.”

            Steve shook his head.  “Maybe. We weren’t close until after that fight with Brock and Jack.  Remember that? You smacked me.”

            “Yeah,” Bucky said.  “I thought you were one of them, coming to rub salt in the wound.”

            Steve nodded.  “Well if it weren’t for Connie, I never would have had the balls to go over to you at all.  I used to be terrified of Brock and Jack. Connie made me feel safe. I know it sounds stupid, but she really was a good friend to me, at least in the beginning.”

            Bucky smiled tightly.  “She sure was something.  I guess I’ll be seeing her soon.”

            Steve frowned.  “I hope not.” They never really talked about whether or not they believed in afterlife or not.  Not that it mattered. Steve wouldn’t want to exist at all if Bucky wasn’t around anymore, afterlife or not.

            Steve picked up the clothes that he had picked out for himself and got changed before laying back down in the bed with Bucky.   “You’re still mine for now. She can see you later.”

            Bucky smiled at that as he kissed the top of Steve’s head.  “Fair enough, Stevie.”

            The following two weeks went slow and fast all at once.  They’d been scolded for Steve’s comment about Bucky being in his ass, so they arranged a bed for him down the hall. Steve never used it.  He just got very good at timing the rounds for the nurses. He’d make sure that he came in Bucky’s room after their night rounds and he’d be out of there before their morning rounds.  The only thing that Bucky had asked for throughout the whole process was that Steve slept in the room with him. He was having trouble sleeping, not that Steve could blame him. Steve wasn’t sleeping well either, and he could only imagine how stressed Bucky must have been.  

            They were spending most of their time playing board games or watching the baseball game in the rec room.  Bucky always wore the cap that Steve bought him on those occurrences. Bucky wasn’t allowed out of the medical facility anymore and it had vastly limited what they were able to do.  Bucky wanted to go out more, but it was proving to be a fight to even get the nurses to grant them access to the courtyard. Steve hadn’t even left the medical facility since the day they found out.  He was worried they’d use him going outside as an excuse to keep him away from Bucky, and there was no way in hell that Steve was going to allow that to happen.

            They were getting stir crazy.  There was almost nothing for them to do to pass the time.  They couldn’t even have sex, as the nursing staff watched them like hawks.  Steve wished that there was something more that he could do. Art was out. Bucky refused to pick up a pencil after they got word of his next donation.  He was being difficult and Steve didn’t blame him for it. The situation just sucked.

            The night before Bucky’s donation was hell. Neither of them could sleep. Steve just had his face buried in Bucky’s chest as he sobbed silently.  He knew Bucky was crying too. He could feel his chest heaving and his breath was jagged and uneven. Steve didn’t even have it in him to say anything about it.  They just laid like that, crying into each other and trying to hold onto each other for dear life.

            When sunlight finally peaked in through the curtains, Steve knew that it was only a matter of time until he’d have to leave before the nurses came in for their rounds.  Bucky must have sensed this because he gripped him tighter. “Don’t leave. Please just say.”

            Steve nodded.  What were they going to do anyway?  Yell at him. He might be losing the love of his life that day--he couldn’t care less if the nurses yelled at him for stealing a few more moments with Bucky.  “Okay,” Steve said. “I’m gonna get dressed, though. They’re going to have me fill out paperwork soon. This way we have plausible deniability. I can just say that I came in here when I woke up.”

            Bucky groaned as he pulled Steve even closer into his chest.  “Not yet. Just a few more minutes. I need you right here. You fit perfectly right here.”

            “All right,” Steve relented.  He wasn’t going to argue with Bucky.  Not today. If Bucky wanted him to lie there with him for a little longer then he wasn’t going anywhere.

            After a few moments of lying there in comfortable silence, Bucky spoke again.  “Do you know what I’m donating today?” His voice was shaky and Steve could tell that Bucky had been waiting for the right time to ask him this.  “Is it something I could live without?”

            Steve shook his head.  “I didn’t ask. I could probably find out if you want… I just… I was too afraid to look.”

            Bucky nodded.  “Good. I don’t want to know.  Not yet. If I wake up from this one, then look.  If not, then it won’t matter anyway.”

            “I won’t ask,” Steve said quietly as he slowly detangled himself from Bucky.  He grabbed his clothes from the drawer and got dressed.

Bucky was watching him from the bed.  He was sitting up now. Steve followed his gaze to the hospital gown on the chair.  Steve could tell that he had no desire to get into the hospital gown that had been left out for him from the previous night.  

Steve took a deep breath.  “Want me to help you?”

            Bucky nodded slowly as he stood up from the bed.  Steve walked over and helped Bucky remove his clothing.  Steve gently folded the clothes and placed them on the other chair next to the bed.  Steve then picked up the cloth hospital gown and helped Bucky slip his right arm through the sleeve.  He then tied it gently in the back, making sure that it was comfortable.

            Bucky turned to face him and he looked so… small.  He gave him a sad smile as he walked back over to the bed.  “This is it? This is what the end of the line looks like? I guess it’s fitting.  This stupid gown. This stupid room. To think this might be one of the last things I’ll see.”

            Steve crossed his arms.  “ _Might_ be.  Usually, I bring something for my donors, something for them to look forward to after the donation.  Typically, it’s chocolate or some type of snack that they like. On occasion I’ve been able to get a favorite movie, or something.  This time though, it’s me. Buck, you’ve got to try to get back to me. Please.”

            Bucky’s face softened at that.  He walked over to Steve and kissed him sweetly.  “I’ll do my best to come back to you, Stevie. I have to say, that is much better inspiration than candy.”

            Steve nodded as they broke apart.  Steve turned back to the chair where the gown had previously been sitting.   Just as he was about to go sit, Bucky grabbed his arm.

            Steve looked back and raised his eyebrows.  “What’s up?”

            Bucky pulled him over to the bed.  “Lay with me.”

            “Buck, the nurses--”

            “Know damn well that we’re together and that this might be our last few moments together.  They can deal with us laying innocently on the bed. Besides, you’re dressed. We’ve got plausible deniability now,” Bucky insisted.

            Steve nodded.  “Okay.” He got in the bed next to Bucky.  Bucky was sitting up and Steve was sitting next to him but his right side was awkwardly resting on Bucky’s left.  Bucky’s right hand reached across and grabbed Steve’s left hand. He was gently rubbing Steve’s hand with his thumb.  They stayed like that for a while, Bucky occasionally kissing the top of Steve’s head sweetly.

            Claire walked in and the face she made was filled with pity.  “I’m sorry, I need to take his vitals.”

            Bucky let go of Steve’s hand and extended his arm.  “You can do it this way, he doesn’t need to move.”

            Steve gave him a look but didn’t say anything.  He wasn’t going to argue with Bucky. “I can move over a bit--”

            “It’s okay,” Claire said quietly.  “I-- we’ll make this work.” She walked over to Bucky’s right and took his blood pressure.  She put the pulse/ox on his pointer finger. Steve never really understood why they took donors’ vitals prior to donation.  It didn’t really matter. They were all going to complete from the donations eventually. Maybe they were checking to see if the organ itself was good.  The thought of that made him sick.

            Claire took the blood pressure cuff off his arm and took the pulse/ox off.   She wrote the information down on the chart. “I’ll leave you two for now. We’re gonna get started soon so… if you two had anything to say to each other… this might be the time.”

            “Thank you,” Steve said quietly.  He meant it. Claire could have made things much more difficult for them.  She could have insisted that Steve leave. He knew that there was a lot of paperwork that he would have to fill out.  There always was. Sometimes, the facility would wait until the donor was in the donation to ask him to fill the information out.  Not always. He doubted it would happen this time given their track record with the other nerves.

            Claire nodded as she walked out of the room.  

            Steve turned to Bucky.  “I’ve said everything. You’re gonna fight to come back to me.  I’m what’s waiting for you. You’re not allowed to leave me. I forbid it.”

            Bucky smiled sadly at him.  “Sir yes, sir.”

            Steve took Bucky’s hand again.  “Seriously though, you’re gonna do great today.  Look at how well you’re doing already. Most donors aren’t as healthy as you are after two donations. If anyone can crush the third, it’s you.”

            Bucky kissed the top of Steve’s head gently.  “You’re probably right. You’ve always been the smart one.  Just in case, though, I need you to know that this is real, Stevie.  I know it took me a while to come around, but I love you. I need you to know that… I wasn’t using you for a deferral.  I was worried that you might have thought that. It’s just really important to me that you know how important you are to me.”

            “I never thought that,” Steve said honestly.  “I know you. I’ve always knew the kind of person you were.  There was a reason you didn’t try to apply with Connie. If you had suggested it to her then she would have been all over it.  It would have been the talk of the apartment. But you didn’t. The fact that you were willing to apply with me… it meant something.  At least, I thought it did.”

            Bucky let out a breath, and Steve could see his entire body relax.  “I was afraid that you thought that.”

            “If I thought that, I would’ve told you so,” Steve said as he was playing with Bucky’s fingers.

            Bucky laughed and it was like listening to a symphony.  “Yeah. You would’ve called me out on that.”

            Steve nodded.  “No way I would have let you get away with that.  Besides, you were always a shit liar. I remember you tried to convince Mr. Phillips to let you sleep in and excuse you from class because you weren’t feeling well.  The problem was you kept stuttering. The real reason was that you were sneaking around with Connie.”

            Bucky grimaced at that.  “I remember that. He really gave me a hard time about it too.  He kept saying ‘James… you better knock that shit off. If I lied like that I’d be divorced five times by now.’  I should have just sucked it up. I should’ve known better then to try and get on over on him of all the guardians.”

            Steve chuckled as he brought Bucky’s hand up to his face and kissed it a few times.  “I wonder what happened to him. I can’t picture him outside of Lehigh.”

            “Me neither,” Bucky said.  “He loved that place.”

            Claire came back in with a clipboard.  She handed it over to Steve with a sad smile.  “You need to fill out some paperwork. I’ll come back and get it in a few minutes.”

            Steve took it from her, not moving from Bucky and began filling out the paperwork.  Bucky inhaled deeply as kissed Steve’s head softly. “You smell nice.”

            Steve had to laugh at that.  There was no way he smelled good.  He hadn’t showered in the morning like he usually did, since he wanted to spend more time with Bucky.  “No, I don’t. I promise, once you go in, I’ll shower and smell all nice for you when you wake up from your donation.”

            Bucky hummed against Steve’s hair.  “I like you like this. You smell like me.”

            “Well then, I definitely need a shower,” Steve teased.

            “Punk.”

            “Jerk.”

            Bucky sighed as he glanced at the clock.  “She’s gonna come back in here soon. She’s gonna come back in here and take me away from you.”

            “I’ll be right here waiting for you when you wake up.”  Steve put the clipboard down on the bedside table, and Bucky immediately took his hand in his own.

            “Promise?”

            Steve nodded.  “I told you ‘til the end.”

            Bucky brought Steve’s hand to his lips and kissed it several times.  “Do you still have that old tape I got you?”

            Steve shrugged.  “I honestly don’t know.  I haven’t listened to it since our reunion.  I’m sure I have it somewhere at my place. I didn’t get rid of it or anything like that.”

            “Maybe after this, if you lost it, we can go down to Staten Island again and I’ll buy it for you.  It’s where all the lost stuff goes right?” He asked.

            Steve nodded.  “Yeah. It’s where we found the tape the last time.”

            Bucky was right.  Claire came back a few moments later and took the clipboard off the table.  She took a deep breath. “We have to take him. I’m sorry.”

            Steve felt Bucky’s grip tighten on his hand.  Steve looked over to him and kissed his deeply.  “I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

            The other nurses began filing into the room.  It was time. They were going to take him and there was nothing Steve could do about it.  They broke apart and Bucky’s released his grip on Steve’s hand. Steve slowly got up from the bed, and walked over to the other side to grab onto Bucky’s hand again.  He wasn’t going to let go of him, not yet.   He rested his forehead against Bucky’s. He could feel him. Bucky was here. This was real. He was still with him.

            One of the nurses cleared their throats and Steve lifted his eyes up.  “We’re on a schedule--”

            “Give them a moment,” Claire snapped.  She handed the nurse the clipboard. “Why don’t you go key the paperwork into the computer?”

            The nurse snatched the clipboard from Claire’s hand as she stormed out of the room.  

            “I’m sorry,” Claire said softly.  “But we really do need to take him.”

            Steve didn’t say anything to her.  He just kissed Bucky passionately, knowing very well this could be the last time he ever touched him.  “Try and come back to me. You’ve gotta fight for me.”

            Bucky smiled sadly at him.  “I’ll fight. I know I’ve got the best incentive waitin’ right here for me.”

            The other nurse who hadn’t said anything came over to the bed and began unlocking the breaks.  She started wheeling Bucky away and Steve could do nothing but watch as his hand was dragged away from his grasp.  His arm stayed extended as he watched the nurse roll Bucky out of the room.

            Steve’s head snapped as he heard Claire clear her throat.  Her eyes were filled with pity as she motioned her head to the door.  “Come with me.”

            “I told him I’d wait--” Steve’s voice cracked.

            “Trust me, this is better.  It’s… I’m not supposed to, but… just come with me,” she repeated.

            Steve nodded as he followed her out the door.  She took him down the hall and into another room.  Steve’s heart stopped. He was in the observation room.  He was able to watch. He wasn’t sure if it was horrible or wonderful.  

            Bucky was getting on to the operating table when he looked over to him.  His eyes lit up when he saw him and he gave him a smile. He realized. This wasn’t for him.  Claire wasn’t doing Steve a kindness. She was doing this for Bucky. She was providing him comfort.

            Steve smiled back, but he knew it didn’t meet his eyes.  He knew that Bucky could probably tell that it wasn’t genuine.  He just couldn’t find a way to make his face lie better.

            Bucky didn’t seem to mind.  He saw him mouth the word “Steve,” right before they injected the anesthesia.  Their eyes stayed locked as Bucky began drifting into a deep sleep.

            The second he lost consciousness the doctors roughly began to work on him.  They shoved a gas mask over Bucky’s face as the surgeon almost immediately began cutting him open.  Steve felt sick. He wondered if surgeons were always this rough and seemingly careless. They didn’t seem to mind if they were hurting him and Steve didn’t understand.  Even from their perspective, they needed donors. The longer donors they lived, the more of their organs they had access to. Why would they be so careless?

            Steve watched Bucky’s vitals as the doctors were cutting him apart.  Someone needed to be paying attention to Bucky’s health. It wasn’t like he was enjoying watching them cut him open either.

            Something happened.  Bucky’s oxygen was tanking.  Steve looked over and immediately cursed Lehigh for educating him because they were taking his lungs!  Not one, but both. They need his lungs, but Bucky needed them too.   Steve looked back over to Bucky, his skin was turning blue and no one was bothering to do anything.  Why did they need both? Wasn’t one enough?

            He looked back over to the monitor and that was it.  There was no oxygen and Bucky was flatlining. It was over. They had taken him from Steve.  Steve could feel his own heart beating fast through his chest. This couldn’t be real. It had to be a horrible nightmare.  It couldn’t be real.

            Steve collapsed.  He could hear his heart beating in his ears and he would have given anything to rip it out of his chest and give it to Bucky.  He’d give Bucky both his lungs if he could.

            He didn’t even realize that he was crying until Claire ran over to him on the ground and started hushing him with her finger.  He could barely even see her through his tears. He’d just watched the love of his life die, and she was trying to say something to him.  None of it was making any sense.

            She was tugging at him.  She wanted him to get off from his knees and stand up.  Steve couldn’t bring himself to move. He was just staring at Bucky’s body.  Bucky’s body that had since been abandoned by the doctors. Once they had gotten the lungs, they had just left him like that, with his chest wide open.  It was as if he was a piece of trash. They left him like that for the janitors to clean up.

            He wanted to get to him to hold him.  He couldn’t. He couldn’t even bring himself to get off the ground.  Claire was tugging at him, still trying to get him up. He looked over to her.  She was panicking. She was worried he was going to get her in trouble, but he couldn’t even bring himself to care.  She must have known what Bucky was donating and she had brought Steve in to watch that. He was gonna be sick. That registered in his brain right before he vomited on the floor in front of him.  It still wasn’t enough to force himself to move. This was hell. He couldn’t live in a world without Bucky. He wouldn’t.

            Finally, he looked back at Claire.  “Steve, I’ve got to get you out of here.”

            “Get off me,” he pulled his arm out of her grasp.  He wasn’t going anywhere. He couldn’t leave him. Not like this.

            “Steve--”

            “No!  I’m not leaving him here!” He was screaming.  He didn’t realize it right away. “I’m not going anywhere!”

            She looked at him with pure pity in her eyes.  “Steve, he’s gone--”

            “Why did you bring me here?” Steve knew the answer, he knew it was for Bucky.  But she let him stay. The moment Bucky was out she should have brought him back to the room.  She let him watch that.

            “He needed to see you,” she said.  “It was his best shot--”

            “You’re a _nurse_.  You knew what he was donating,” Steve roared.

            She gave him a look.  “I’m not that kind of nurse.  I don’t have access to that kind of information--”

            “Bullshit,” Steve yelled.  “If I could get that information for other donors, then there’s no way you can’t find out what a patient is donating--”

            “I thought you were going to see him be fine,” Claire said.  “We have to leave or--”

            “Or you’ll get in trouble,” Steve finished for her.  “I hope you saw what they just did to him. That’s what your people inflict on ours. We didn’t ask to be born!  You forced us into the world so you could take us out of it.”

            Claire shook her head.  “Steve--”

            “He’s gone!”  Steve looked back to the room where Bucky was lying.  “He’s gone and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t get to him! Why make me watch if I couldn’t do anything?  Is this some game to you? I know we’re ‘soulless’ and ‘incapabable of love’ but this... This was cruelty.”

            “I thought he was going to be fine.  I didn’t know--” She began.

            Steve tuned her out again.  He was still sitting there on his knees, looking at where Bucky’s body lie.  No amount of fighting could have save him. He was just gone. He was gone and Steve had to keep going.  It wasn’t fair. He couldn’t leave Steve and expect Steve to go on. Bucky was wrong, Steve couldn’t have a life.  Bucky was his life.

            He became aware that there were other people in the room.  The last thing he remembered was one of them sticking him with a needle.  His eyes never left Bucky as he drifted out of consciousness.

            Steve got his letter to donate two weeks after Bucky completed.  He’d been driving up to Staten Island everyday leading up to when he’d have to check into his assigned medical facility.  It was some place on Long Island. Close to where he had taken Bucky to see the baseball game.

            He was sitting down by beach, looking out towards the horizon.  Steve knew it was foolish, but part of him hoped to see Bucky walking out from the water.  He’d look over at him and smile. He’d say something about how Steve promised he’d wait in the room.  He’d tease him for breaking that promise. It never happened.

            This was his last day before checking in.  This was his last chance. It was childish, but he couldn’t let go of Bucky.  He had to come back to him. Otherwise, nothing else mattered. Time passed in a strange way.  He felt as though the days were dragging and bleeding into each other. It didn’t matter anyway.  He was ready to donate.

            He stayed at the beach, sitting there until it was getting dangerously close to curfew, not that it really mattered, what were they gonna do?  They already took his heart, what more could they do?

            Steve got back in the car and drove over to his apartment.  He’d found Bucky’s tape. He just couldn’t bring himself to listen to it.  He could barely even think about their time at Lehigh without feeling nauseous.  Part of him was still in shock. When he would wake up, his first thought was to go visit Bucky, and then he remembered.  That was the worst part.

            The next day he drove over to the medical facility.  He was earlier than most donors ever were. Most of them tried to enjoy their last day of freedom before having to check in at the medical center, but not Steve.  There was nothing for him to enjoy anyway.

            He handed over the keys to his car as he gave over all his paperwork.  The only things he had brought with him were the two paintings that Bucky had made for him and the tape that Bucky had given him.  Everything else was disposable.

            They showed him to his room and it was like every other room that he’d seen donors have.  The only difference was that he wasn’t the carer. He laid down in the bed and it almost hurt to realize that Bucky wasn’t there to hold him.  He just laid in bed. That was all he practically did in the medical facility. He ate, used the bathroom, and lied in bed. The nursing staff was nervous.  They knew this was his first donation and they knew how important morale was. They wanted him to be useful for more than one donation. Steve couldn’t care less.

            It was his second week there when someone he didn’t recognize walked into his room.  It was a young kid, no older than twenty, with dark hair. He saw Steve and his eyes lit up as he walked over to where Steve was lying in the bed.  “Hi, you must be Steven R.”

            “Must be,” Steve said, his voice broken.  He hadn’t spoken to anyone in days.

            The kid’s smile didn’t falter as he extended his hand.  “I’m Peter P, your carer.”

            “How old are you?” Steve asked, not bothering to shake the kid’s--Peter’s hand.

            Peter let his hand drop and laughed.  “Nineteen. You’re actually my first donor.”

            “Where were you raised?” Steve asked as he motioned for Peter to sit down in the chair.

            “The Midtown Institute.  It’s in Queens,” Peter said.  “I’m actually at a complex in Westchester right now.  I know you’re from the area too, right?”

            “Yeah, I guess,” Steve said.  “Technically went to school in Jersey--”

            “Lehigh right?”  Peter’s eyes lit up.  “I read all about that.  I can’t believe they used to educate you guys.  It must have been so awesome.”

            “Never thought of it like that,” Steve said honestly.  “Did you sign up for training the second you got to Westchester?”  
            Peter laughed nervously.  “I didn’t know anyone at my placement so it made sense--”

            “I’m sorry.  You shouldn’t have signed up for this.  The kind of work this is… it’s not… your time is precious, you should be doing something enjoyable with it.  While you still can,” Steve said dully.

            Peter’s smile faltered a bit.  He looked over Steve’s chart and frowned, before smiling again.  It was heartbreaking. This kid had no idea what he was in for. “It says here this is your first donation, and you’re in excellent health.  You’ll smash this first donation. No doubt.”

            Steve looked at him expressionless.  “I was a carer for about ten years. I’m going to give you some information they don’t tell you in training.  The first is that donors pass away during the first donation much more than they ever warn you about. The second is that if a donor wants to complete… they probably will.  I’m sorry that they stuck you with me for your first donor. I have a feeling our time together is going to fleeting.”

            Peter’s face fell.  “Look… I know this is hard, but this is your first donation.  You have so much left to--”

            “Sorry, kid.  This isn’t something you can talk about and make it all better,” Steve said brutally.

            Peter took a deep breath.  “Well, at the very least, I can help you function until your donation.  According to the nurses, you haven’t been doing so well. When’s the last time you showered?”

            “No idea,” Steve said honestly.  It didn’t matter. Nothing did.

            Peter made a face.  “Well you should probably do that now--”

            “Why? Are my organs less functional if I smell?” Steve asked.

            “Because, I’ve read your file.  I know things got personal with your last donor, and I… I can’t imagine how that must feel, but you’re here.  You’re here and you owe it to yourself to at least feel as good as possible. That means showers.” Peter stood up from the chair.  “Showers and day trips--”

            “No,” Steve said.  “I’ll shower, but I’m not going anywhere.  You can’t make me.”

            “Fine,” Peter said, but Steve had a feeling that this was his plan all along.  It was annoying, but Steve had to appreciate the effort that this kid was putting in.  

            Steve got up and walked over to the small bathroom that was in his room.  He didn’t even look at the mirror. He hadn’t really been eating since Bucky… completed.  He stepped in the shower and just let the water hit him. He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that before he finally got around to applying soap.  He had no energy to do anything. He almost wished he’d be able to drown himself in the shower. Finally, he turned the water off and got out of the shower.  

He put his clothes back on and walked back into the room.  Peter was there, he’d actually made Steve’s bed for him. Steve could tell that the sheets had been changed and there was no way that the nurses did that.  

            Steve threw himself back down on the bed and Peter handed him a yogurt with the spoon.  “They also mentioned that you only take about three bites of each meal.”

            “I feel nauseous,” Steve said honestly as he put the yogurt down on the cart that they had for him.  “That’s why I’m not eating.”

            Peter frowned.  “This is vanilla.  If you get sick, then I can try and get them to give you some medication, but they think you’re being difficult.”

            He was.  Steve knew it and he knew Peter knew it too.  Steve didn’t say anything. Just because he was difficult didn’t mean that he wasn’t nauseous.  “Not hungry.”

            “Not possible--”

            “When is my donation?  That’s why you’re here right?  You don’t get assigned until I have a date, unless you request me specifically which I know isn’t the case because you can’t request your first.  So when is it?” Steve cut him off.

            Peter sighed as he sat down.  “Friday.”

            Steve raised an eyebrow at that.  “That’s soon.”

            “Yeah,” Peter said.  “I don’t know. I guess whoever needs it… needs it ASAP.”

            Steve nodded.  “That gives me what… four days?”

            “Yeah, but… it’s your first--” Peter started.

            “That’s good,” Steve said as he was filled with… _relief_.  “I’m ready.  The waiting is the worst.”

            Peter gave him a sad look, but he didn’t say anything about what Steve said.  “Try and eat the yogurt. I’ll tell the nurses that you need something to settle your stomach.  You need your strength for the donation. It takes a toll on your body.”

            “That’s what I’m counting on,” Steve said honestly.

            Peter shook his head.  “I take it I’m not very good company--”

            “Nothing to do with you,” Steve said sullenly.  “It’s just… this job… this life--”

            “Stop it,” Peter said softly.  “Everyone wants more time. That’s why they created us in the first place.  It doesn’t matter. Life is finite. No matter how many donors have to complete, it’s still not the cure for death.  We prolong it for them, and by prolonging it for them, it shortens our lives. It’s not fair, but it’s the hand we’ve been dealt.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself. All you’re doing right now is guaranteeing that you’ll complete--”

            “I’m not feeling sorry for myself because I think I’m going to complete.  I had the most precious person in my life ripped away from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  I don’t expect you to understand, but if there is anyone on this planet that you care about, then you owe it to yourself, and to them, to spend as much time with that person as possible.  Buc-- we wasted so much time. Time that could have been spent together. This isn’t a life you want,” Steve pleaded with the kid.

            Peter shook his head.  “I get to help people if I do this.  Isn’t that why you did this?”

            Steve laughed at that.  “I needed to do something on my own.  That was why I became a carer, and I liked it for a while.  I thought we did good work. Now… to say the job is thankless is an understatement.  It takes and it takes, until there isn’t anything left for you to give, and then they decide it’s time to take your organs, and then your life.”

            Peter looked down.  “Well, they were gonna take the last two anyway.  If I can use my time here to make things easier for other donors, then I think my purpose in all this had meaning.”

            Steve let out a deep breath.  “Yeah, but you’ve got to do stuff for you, otherwise it’s just gonna eat away at you.”  Steve had seen it happen to plenty of carers. They’d give too much and then crack. Watching people you care for complete is never easy.

            “I do things for myself,” Peter said unconvincingly.  “Eat the yogurt.”

            Steve rolled his eyes as he opened the yogurt container.  He took the spoon and scooped a little bit in his mouth. Maybe that would get the kid off his back.  “Happy?”  
            “I will be if you finish it,” Peter said.

            “I make no promises,” Steve said as he felt his stomach begin to churn.  “I really don’t feel so good.”

            Peter stood up and handed him a bucket, and as if on cue, Steve threw up the yogurt.  It was still cold. The worst part was that there really wasn’t much left in his stomach, so he wound up dry heaving for a few moments.  The kid was a pro, though, he was patting Steve’s back and gave him words of encouragement. He’d be a good carer.

            When it finally stopped, Peter got him a moist towel and placed it on his forehead.  “I’m gonna go let the nurses know.”

            Steve nodded as he threw his head back against the pillows.  Just a few more days. He’d donate in a few more days, and he wouldn’t have to deal with any of it anymore.

            Peter came back in with some ginger ale and saltines. He placed them on the tray near Steve’s bed. “These are for in a little while.  We’re gonna see if we can settle your stomach. The nurses said they’ll see if they can get you some anti-nausea medication--”

            “I wouldn’t count on it,” Steve drawled.  “That medication is usually set aside for recipients, not donors.”

            Peter frowned as he sat back down.  “I read your file. You were an exemplary carer until your last case.”

            Steve snorted.  “I want to hear this.  What did they say? Did I have an inappropriate interaction with my donor?  We were together before I became his carer--”

            “It actually didn’t talk much about that,” Peter said.  “It said that there was an incident with one of the nurses.  They found you screaming at her. They classified it as a mental break from the pressure of spending excessive hours with your donor.”

            Claire.  Steve felt his stomach begin to churn again.  He felt horrible about what had happened with her.  She was trying to show them a kindness and Steve had taken his anguish out on her.  When he woke up, she was nowhere to found, likely due to disciplinary issues. He wished that he’d had a chance to apologize.  “That wasn’t what happened.”

            “So what happened?” Peter asked.  “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want--”

            “He completed.  He completed and I watched while it happened.  She was just there,” Steve said. It was the simplest answer.  It hurt to much to go into more detail than that.

            Peter’s brow furrowed.  “Wait but, he’s… how?”

            “How what?”  
            “How did you watch?  Was it a post-donation completion?  Those are rare,” Peter asked.

            Steve shook his head.  “The nurse, she brought me into the observation room.  She thought she was making things better. She was trying to put us at ease and… he completed.  He completed and I lost it.”

            “I’m sorry,” Peter said, and he sounded sincere.  “I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. I don’t look forward to seeing anyone complete.  I don’t know what I’d do if it was someone I cared about completing right in front of me. So you blamed her?”

            Steve shook his head.  “No… I mean I don’t think I did.  I didn’t… I didn’t mean it. I was angry and she was there.  I’m not excusing my behavior, but… I would have lashed out on anyone that was there.”

            “The file said that you were pretty specific.  You were going off on donor rights and that recipients are the reason for our suffering--”

            “They are,” Steve said bluntly.  “I don’t blame Claire for that directly, but nothing that I said was untrue.  We were created to die. We didn’t ask for that. There’s a difference between not existing and dying.  I’d rather not exist then have to suffer through this. You’ll see, completion is nasty business. It’s not easy on anyone, but those who make it past the first and second… suffer.  There’s a reason we rarely make it past three, and that reason is that it’s too much. We have to give in eventually.”

            Peter looked at him sadly.  “I don’t know, Steven--”

            “It’s Steve,” he said quietly.

            Peter nodded.  “Steve, right, anyway, I don’t know.  Would you really be willing to trade the time that you did have with him?  I mean, everyone completes. They may have a different word for it when it’s a recipient, but they go too.  I think we all just wish for more time in the end. I’m glad to have been here at all.”

            “I used to think so too,” Steve said honestly.  “After losing him… things feel different now.”

            Peter nodded.  “Without that, though, you wouldn’t have had him at all.”

            “I barely did,” Steve said honestly, trying to ignore how much he ached thinking about it.  “We wasted so much time. I only really had him for a few months.”

            “Yeah, but you wouldn’t have had those few months if you never existed--”

            “I wouldn’t have to feel this way if I never existed,” Steve said barely louder than a whisper.

            Peter gave him a disapproving look.  “You know, Steve, you really don’t have great people skills.  I’m reaching out, trying to relate, and you keep blocking me at every attempt to have a connection.”

            “It’s not you, kid--Peter.  I just… this… I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.  My world was just thrown upside and down, and there’s no way to fix it, I--”

            “I thought you said you were only together for a few months,” Peter cut in.  “You managed before, you can manage after.”

            Steve laughed bitterly, before having to stop due to the pain in his abdomen,  “I loved him my whole life. We grew up together. I just never knew he felt the same way.  We spent about ten years apart.” It physically hurt for Steve to say that out loud. They were so stupid.  “It was mostly because neither of us wanted to talk about what we were feeling, so it caused a riff. We found our way back to each other, but by that point… it was too late.”

            Peter frowned at that.  “Wow, that sounds like… it sounds like--”

            “It sounds dramatic,” Steve deadpanned.  “It was, but it didn’t have to be. I mean it, Peter.  If there’s someone that you feel anything for anyone, do yourself a favor and go for it.  At least if they reject you, you won’t spend the rest of your short life pining over them.”

            He nodded.  “Sure. I’ll keep that in mind.”

            Steve didn’t say anything after that.  This had been the most he’d spoken to anyone since Bucky completed.  

            Peter opened up the ginger ale and Steve gave him a look.  He wasn’t going to drink that. He still felt like crap. Steve shook his head.

            “C’mon, it’ll settle your stomach,” Peter suggested.

            Steve shook his head again and closed his eyes.  He was hoping that the kid would just leave him alone.  He wasn’t that lucky.

            “Some saltines?”

            “I’m just gonna try and get some sleep.  I haven’t been sleeping well,” Steve said, hopeful that the explanation would satisfy his carer.  It didn’t.

            “Not until we get your stomach settled.  You need your strength,” Peter insisted.

            Steve groaned.  “Maybe later--”

            “I’m not gonna let up until you either nibble on a cracker or take a sip of the ginger ale,” Peter insisted.  “You really need to eat something.”

            Steve rolled his eyes as he grabbed a cracker and took a bite of it.  He tossed the rest of it down and closed his eyes again. “Happy?”  
            “A little bit,” Peter said.  “When you wake up, you can eat more.”

            Steve didn’t respond, he just ignored the kid and focused on his breathing.  That was the only way that he was able to get to sleep since Bucky completed.  He had to try and turn his brain off. If he thought about Bucky, he’d be up all night.

            The next morning, he woke up and the kid was back.  He was sitting there reading a book and Steve had to resist the urge to groan.  He looked over to the tray. The kid had brought him an unopened sleeve of saltines and a new ginger ale.  He was persistent. He’d be a good carer. Too bad his first donor was Steve.

            The kid looked up at him and grinned.  “Good morning.”

            “What are you doing here so early?” Steve asked as he rubbed his eyes.

            Peter shrugged.  “Thought you could use some company.  Besides I wanted to see how you were feeling.”

            Steve gave him a look.  “I feel like shit. That’s not about to change anytime soon, though.”

            Peter stood up and opened the package of crackers.  He took three out and placed them on a napkin in front of Steve.  “Eat these three for me.”  
            Steve shook his head.  “Told you, I’m not hungry--”

            “Sure you are,” Peter said, crossing his arms.  “I could hear your stomach growling while you slept.  Besides, you kept that half cracker down yesterday. Might as well try again.”

            “I just ate that to shut you up,” Steve said honestly.

            “I’m just trying to give you your best shot,” Peter said sadly.  

            Steve shook his head.  “You just can’t seem to wrap your head around the idea that I don’t want it.  Can’t you just--”

            “Stop,” Peter said quietly.  “I’m not trying to talk you into fighting harder, and you’ve done this a lot longer than I have… Hell, a lot longer than most carers have, so I get that a lot of people complete because they want to, but there is a chance you will make it out of this next donation, and the only one who’s gonna suffer more is you if you don’t take care of yourself now.  Eat the crackers.”

            Steve glared at him before picking up the crackers and chewing on one of them.  It was a small bite but it didn’t taste bad and Steve had to admit, he had been a bit hungry.  Peter watched as Steve finished all three crackers and placed the napkin down on the table. “Happy?”

            “For now.”  Peter beamed with pride that he had convinced Steve to eat something.  As a carer, Steve would have hated himself as a patient, but this kid was doing an all right job.

            Peter walked back over to the chair and tossed a plastic bag down on the tray.  Steve eyed him suspiciously as he opened the bag to see a sketchbook and pencils. He immediately felt nauseous.

            “I saw that you had those paintings and I thought--”

            “I don’t draw,” Steve said flatly.  He knew that the kid had sene Bucky’s too works for art that were by his bed, but Steve wasn’t going to address those.

            Peter nodded.  “So what _do_ you do?”

            Steve glared but didn’t answer.  He didn’t do much of anything now that Bucky had completed.  He didn’t have the energy.

            “There’s got to be something you enjoy,” Peter pressed him.  “Sports? Movies? Card games?”

            “Nope,” Steve said blandly.  “There’s nothing--”

            “I doubt that,” Peter said crossing his arms.  “What did you used to do with the guy?”  
            Steve gave him a look and let out a low laugh.  “I don’t think you really want to know about that, kid.”

            Peter gave him a look.  “I’m sure it wasn’t all sex all the time.  You loved him, you said that much. I doubt that it was just fucking.  That’s not love.”

            Steve shrugged.  “You’re right, it was more than just ‘fucking.’  We were… we loved each other. We just spent time together.  We talked… a lot. We…”

            “Drew.” Peter cut in.  “Your file said that you bought him an easel and you used a sketchbook.”

            Steve’s brow furrowed.  “Who put that in my file?  How did they know about that?”

            Peter shrugged.  “I don’t know probably one of the hospital staff.”

            Steve rolled his eyes at that.  It never occurred to him just how closely they were being watched.  “Well, he did most of the art at that point. I used to do more as a kid.  Now… now I can’t even look at a piece of art without getting choked up.”

            Peter nodded.  “Okay, so no art.  I can work with no art.”

            “You don’t have to try and force something here, Peter.  Honestly, I don’t mind our talks. Think of me as a geriatric patient.  Ask me about the good old days, just… talk.” Steve smiled sadly. He couldn’t even have stopped the words from leaving his mouth if he tried.

            Peter smiled at that.  “Okay! Great! What--wha-- what do you want to talk about?”

            Steve almost instantly regretted saying anything.  Almost. “I don’t know. Just not him.   I can’t… it hurts too much.”

            “Okay,” Peter agreed.  “We won’t talk about what’s his name.  You know I’d heard things about you, from the other carers.  You had a really present reputation.”

            “All bad, I’m sure,” Steve said dryly.

            Peter laughed at that.  “It was mostly good.”

            “I find that hard to believe,” Steve said honestly.  “I wasn’t exactly popular amongst the other carers. I got to pick my donors, people always thought that because I was from Lehigh that I got special privileges, and maybe I did.  I don’t think it was because of Lehigh. It was because I was good at my job. Not that it always matters. I saw great carers get called to donate after only a few years. I’ve seen one carer go for twenty years before having to donate, and he was a shit carer.  I guess, I just got lucky. Ten years is still on the longer side, not that it matters, I don’t think I would have been willing to keep going after everything.”

“It’s not over yet,” Peter said quietly.  He wasn’t wrong. Steve just didn’t see himself coming out from his donation.

            Steve shrugged.  “We’ll see.”

            “I just mean,” Peter sighed,  “At the very least you’ve got a few days left, right?  Why not try and enjoy them instead of sitting around being… _this_.”

            Steve shook his head at that.  “For what it’s worth… this is the best I’ve felt since he completed.  I’m only gonna say this once, you’ve got a knack for this, kid. Who knows, maybe you’ll prove me wrong.  Maybe you’ll be the only carer that I’ve ever met who can enjoy this work from beginning to end. Either way, your donors will be lucky to have you.”

            Peter smiled at that, it wasn’t as bright as he usually smiled, but it was there.  Steve could tell, the kid was disappointed. He thought that he was going to show up and fix Steve like it was no big deal.  Steve was just done, unless he could wake up back at Lehigh before Ms. Carter told them the truth, Steve wasn’t going to get happier anytime soon.

            “Just think,” Peter said with a grin, it reached his eyes this time. “If all goes well this week, then you’ll get to be one of them.”

            Steve laughed bitterly at that.  The kid was persistent, he had to give him that.  “I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”

            Peter didn’t respond to that.  Steve almost wished that the kid would come up with some retort.  He had to admit, dealing with the kid made him think about Bucky a little less, and that made his days a little less glum.  

            His days went on similarly.  Peter would show up, make him eat something-- they had moved up to sandwiches, and then they would talk.  Steve wished Bucky could have known him. The kid was a far better carer than Steve was at his stage in the career.  Bucky would have gotten a kick out of all of it, Steve’s cynicism paired with Peter’s optimism. They were practically starring in one of those sitcoms that Clint used to watch at the apartments.

            It was the night before his donation, and Peter was staying uncharacteristically late.  He usually left at least two hours before curfew to make sure that he didn’t hit too much traffic.  Steve was reading one of the many books that Peter had brought over for him to read. Steve hadn’t asked for them, but Peter just kept bringing things and it was easier to just cave in and read a book then wait and see what activity he would bring in the next day for Steve.

            ”You gonna spend the night here or something,” Steve asked Peter, not looking up from his book.

            Peter shrugged.  “I’m thinking about it.  I’ve got all the stuff for tomorrow, and I just figured you wouldn’t want to be alone.  I spoke to the nurses, they’re gonna set up a cot for me in here. Unless you want me to go, and I’ll see if they can set me up somewhere else.  I know you have a hard time sleeping and I just figured--”

            “You can stay,” Steve was surprised to hear the words leave him lips.  “If you want to. I’m probably just gonna finish this book. Maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll catch a few winks before tomorrow.”

            Peter nodded.  “Are you nervous?”

            Steve shook his head.   He wasn’t. Not really. “Nah, I’m not nervous.  It’s like I told you, completion isn’t something that scares me.  Not anymore.”

            The kid frowned at that.  “Really? I thought… maybe--”

            “Don’t take it personally, Peter,” Steve said gently.  “That’s the most important thing I can tell you about being a carer.  By the time you get to donors, they have quite literally lived their entire lives already.  These facilities keep us breathing, and fed, but we’re not living. By the time they-- _we_ get here, it’s too late.  You can’t fix people. You can make them comfortable, you can make their time here easier, but you can’t fix them.  It takes a lot to get to the point that I’m at, Peter, and a few days of friendly conversation and TLC isn’t going to erase all that.  You did good, kid. This is the best I’ve felt in a long time, but I’m still ready. If I complete, I’ll be ready. I’m sorry that you got stuck with me as your first donor, but I feel extremely lucky that you were my carer.  Don’t think for a minute, that this has a thing to do with you.”

            Peter looked down, but nodded again.  “I hear you, Steve… really I do, it’s just… it’s selfish of me really, I liked this.  I didn’t have a lot of friends… ever, and you… this was easy. Talking to you, I mean.  You gave me lots of advice, that I really really took to heart. I’ve got it all written down and everything, I was just hoping that our friendship or whatever, would have been enough to show you that there are still things worth living for.”

            Steve smiled sadly at hm.  “This friendship… I’ve appreciate it too.  Like I said, you’ve made these past few days, the best I’ve had since … everything.  Peter, I’ve lost everyone that meant anything to me. I’m sure if we had more time, you’d make it to that level too, but Peter I’m tired.  I’m tired of watching the people I care about deteriorate. I’m tired of watching my loved ones complete. I’m tired of knowing that no matter what I do, I’ll always end up here.  I’m exhausted, and I’m ready to rest now. I can’t explain it. I think Buck--I think _he_ tried to explain it to me as best he could, right before… everything.  I think Connie was suffering more than she was tired, but there comes a point when you’ve got to ask yourself what you’re fighting for.  For this? For a medical facility? For four walls that I’ll never leave again? Even if we were closer, Peter, do you really think that you would be able to keep coming here every single day?  I’ve had donors last for several years before completion. I didn’t go see them every day. I’d try to go there once or twice a week, but with no impending donation, what was my purpose there? I’ve lived a life.   _This._  This isn’t life.  This is purgatory.  I don’t want to stay here any longer than I have to, even if the company is nice.”

            Peter took a deep breath as he leaned back in the chair.  “I guess that makes sense--”

            “It really isn’t personal,” Steve said honestly.  “Please, don’t let this… ruin your future caring. You did great, kid.  You just got stuck with a lost cause. Your next donors will be lucky to have you.”

            “Thanks,” Peter said sheepishly.  “I should probably be the one trying to make you feel better not the other way around.”

            “Don’t ever apologize for caring about someone,” Steve said quietly.  “Even if that person doesn’t want it. We’re-- _you’re_ called carers for a reason.  People need that. I know that recipients and the others like to think of us as… something less than, something inhuman, but we’re still people.  People need to be cared for, even if we don’t want to admit it sometimes.”

            Peter laughed, and Steve realized that there were actual tears in the kid’s eyes.  “I’ll write that one down later.”

            Steve smiled at him, as he put the book down.  “Hey, kid. Do me a favor? Can you pass me those paintings?”

            Peter stood up and walked over to the other side of the bed, where Steve kept the paintings that Bucky had made.  He had the one that Bucky had let him keep, and the one that Bucky had made of him. He hadn’t looked at them since Bucky completed.  Peter gingerly handed them to Steve who looked at them fondly.

            “He made these,” Steve said softly.  “He used to hate art, and when we got older, he realized that he had a talent for it.  It’s a shame. He was really good at it.”

            Peter hummed in agreement.  “They’re nice. Was that something that you had in common.”

            “I guess.  I used to sketch a lot.  I was pretty good at it. My stuff was more… representational than his was.  It wasn’t something we ever did together though,” Steve said.

            “Why not?”  
            “I don’t know,” Steve said honestly.  “To be fair, we were usually looking at each other when we made the art.  Maybe we were just being good models. Maybe we didn’t want it to be a competition.  I think, we just didn’t think to do it at the same time. By the time I got to him, sketching was the last thing on my mind, and he didn’t start until later… I guess we just never matched up.”

            That seemed to pique Peter’s interest.  “Do you have a drawing of him? What did he look like?”

            Steve shrugged. “Maybe in one of my old sketchbooks.  I don’t know.” He didn’t exactly want to go looking for it either.  

            Peter on the other hand had a different plan in mind.  He stood up and went back over to the bedside table. He took out one of Steve’s sketchbooks.  He turned to him and beamed. “Mind if I take a look?”

            “Knock yourself out,” Steve said dully.  “He was really the only person I drew. Everything else is architecture or scenery.  Bucky was the only person that I would sit and study… I’d try to get every bit of him just right.”

            Peter smiled at that at he began skimming through the book.  He stopped and stared at one page for a moment. He’d probably found him, his Bucky.  Peter smiled softly as he turned the book to show Steve. It was Bucky, and it was old.  It had to be from back when they first got to the apartments. His smile was so bright, Steve couldn’t even remember the last time he had seen Bucky smile like that.

            “This him?” Peter asked.

            Steve nodded.  “Yeah. That’s Bucky.”

            Peter turned the book back so that he could look at it.  He grinned so wide that Steve could count all his teeth. “He was cute.”

            Steve snorted at that.  “Understatement. The drawing really doesn’t do him justice.  He was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen in my entire life.”

            Peter chuckled at that.  “If you say so.”

            Steve smiled sadly.  He was ready. He wasn’t scared, not anymore.  He’d already lost everything, completion would be a mercy.  He wouldn’t have to live in a world without Bucky anymore. That would be a kindness, not that the universe had done him any favors leading up to this point… maybe he was due.

            “How old were you when you drew this?” Peter asked as he gently placed the sketchbook back down on top of the bedside table.

            Steve hissed as he tried to think back.  “Probably around eighteen. That had to be when we first got to Brooklyn.  I did a lot of drawing then, it was before I started my training to be a carer.  Once that started, I didn’t really have as much time for art or any of that stuff.”

            “It’s really good,” Peter said.  “I could never draw like that. I’m kind of into photography.  I’m not great at it, but it’s fun and I’m getting better, I think.  I just took it up a couple of months ago.”

            Steve smiled fondly at him.  “Keep at it. They say the arts give us an inside look at our souls.”

            Peter snorted at that.  “Who says that exactly?”

            Steve shrugged and laughed.  “I don’t know, kid. People. I don’t know if they’re right.  It’s just something that my teachers back at Lehigh used to tell us.”

            “I think that’s one of the first times you’ve mentioned Lehigh to me,” Peter said quietly.  “I got the impression you didn’t like it much there.”

            “I liked it,” Steve said honestly.  “I just didn’t… they lied. They lied about what we were, we thought we were normal kids--no we thought we were special kids,that we were important.  It was a lie, and I just… that messes with you, when you find out that you’re nothing but spare parts for someone else to use.”

            Peter frowned.  “You’re more than that.  We all are. Even if the only thing we’ll ever accomplish is donation, then we’ll have save another life.  That’s something right?”

            “Trading lives?  What difference does it make who gets whose organs?  One person still lives and the other dies.   Are we really making a difference?  It seems like we’re just picking and choosing who lives and who dies. It’s not exactly a willing sacrifice either,” Steve said bitterly.  “We’re supposed to be better than this.”

            Peter shrugged.  “Without this there’s no us. We wouldn’t have been created if we didn’t have to die.  I guess I’m just glad to have gotten to live at all.”

            Steve smiled sadly at that.  He’d heard those words before… from Bucky.  “You sound like him. He used to say stuff like that a lot.  In the end, he was just as scared as any other donor I’d seen.  Just as depressed too. He tried to stay strong for me, he wanted me to keep fighting.  He wanted me to be strong. Truth is, without him I’ve got nothing to fight for.”

            Peter sighed and Steve could tell that the kid wanted to yell and fight with him.  He didn’t fight him though. He took a deep breath. “I think he’s right. I think you should fight.  That said, I don’t know what you’ve been through, or what you’ve seen, but I know that you’ve been through a lot, and I don’t know what I’d do if I were in your place.”

            Steve shook his head.   “I’ve got nothing left to fight for, it’s okay… really it is.  I had him for a little while, it’s better than not at all.”

            “There are other people--”

            “Not for me,” Steve said quietly but firmly.  His entire life it had only ever been Bucky. The very thought of Steve being with someone else made him uneasy.  “He was my life, and he’s gone now. I’m just waiting around for someone to finally pull the plug. I know what you must think of me.  I used to judge too when donors would just give up, but losing him… Peter, if you have someone--anyone you love, don’t waste your time.  Trust me.”

            Peter nodded.  “Okay. I hear you loud and clear.”

            Steve wasn’t sure if Peter was being genuine or just saying that for his benefit.  It didn’t matter. Steve just hoped that the kid would heed his advice. Steve glanced at the clock, it was late.  “You should try to get some sleep, Pete. I’m sure you’ll have lots of paperwork to get done tomorrow.”

            Peter shook his head at that.  “That’s not funny.”

            “Good, I’m not joking,” Steve said matter-of-factly.  “When a donor wants to complete--”

            “I get it,” Peter said as he rubbed his forehead.  “It doesn’t always work out that way, though.”

            “It doesn’t,” Steve agreed, still he had a feeling.  “No matter what happens tomorrow, you’re a good carer.  You got me to stop wallowing and you’ve only been here a few days, your next donor will be luck to have you.  Just try not to stay married to the job, it eats away at you after a while.”

            “Okay,” Peter said.  “I’ll try not to. I’d appreciate it if you’d stop acting like this is your last chance to spread some wisdom.”

            “It might be,” Steve said honestly.  “Even if I wanted to fight, it might not make a difference anyway, so do me a favor and just listen to what I have to say.  You might be the last person to actually listen to a thing I say.” Peter was definitely the last person to care about what he had to say.

            Peter nodded but kept his mouth shut.  That counted as a win in Steve’s mind.

            Steve was sure of himself as he sat up straight.  “I think you were right about one thing, every goddamn person on this planet wants more time… make yours worthwhile, I wish that I had.   _God!_ I wasted so much time being angry and running away, for what?  To lose him in the end? Seriously, Peter, if there’s someone that you care about… don’t wait around until it’s too late.  It’s coming sooner rather than later.”

            Peter looked down at his shoes.  Steve could tell that this was likely lost on him, not that he blamed the kid, he probably wouldn’t have taken himself seriously if the roles were reversed.  Still, he hoped the kid would avoid the same horrible end as Steve and Bucky.

            Steve relaxed against the bed and closed his eyes.  He wasn’t exactly trying to sleep, there’d be plenty of time for that, but he wasn’t nervous so sleep came for him naturally.  The last thing that he thought before he drifted off was that Peter would be relieved that he was getting some rest.

            Steve awoke the next morning to the sunlight hitting his face.  He looked over to see Peter who was filling out his pre-donation paperwork.

            “Do you know what I’m donating?” Steve asked.

            Peter’s eyes shot to him.  “Good morning. You slept well--”

            “Answer the question.”

            Peter shook his head.  “You know that they don’t give me that information.”

            Steve gave him a look.  “And you know that carers can always find out if they ask the right questions to the right people.”

            “I didn’t ask,” Peter said looking back to the paperwork in his hands.  “I didn’t think you’d want to know. You want to complete. I could tell you they were taking a hair follicle and you’d try to convince yourself that it was fatal.”

            Steve shrugged.  “What if I want to know?”

            “You don’t,” Peter said, not looking up at him.  “I know that you don’t. If you wanted to know then you would have asked the nurses yourself.”

            “What if I changed my mind,” Steve pressed.

            “You’re too stubborn for that,” Peter said under his breath.  He wasn’t wrong. Steve really didn’t care about what he was donating, he was just hoping that it would be something that could guarantee completion.  

            Steve sat up in the bed and looked around.  “Have the nurses been in yet?”  
            Peter nodded.  “A few times. They checked your vitals, you’re in perfect health.  They said they’ll be back soon. I didn’t want to wake you. It was the best night’s sleep you’ve had since you came here.”

            “Thanks,” Steve said honestly.  He did feel refreshed. “Do you need help filling out the paperwork?”

            Peter shook his head.  “Nah. This is your first donation so it’s pretty straightforward, but you already knew that.”

            Steve took a deep breath.  “Are you really gonna do this?”

            “What?”

            “It might be my last day on Earth and you’re gonna be petty?” Steve raised an eyebrow.

            Peter shook his head.  “I’m not. I promise. I just, you should try and relax, incase you do come out of this okay, you don’t know what the recovery is going to be like.”   Peter looked up from the clipboard, and gave him a sad smile. “Take it easy… relax. It’ll all be over before you know it… regardless of how the donation goes.”

            He wasn’t wrong, and that was comforting.  The one good thing about Bucky’s last donation was that he didn’t know what was happening.  Steve was the one who suffered, not Bucky. He was grateful for that.

            “I got something for you,” Peter said after he finished up the paperwork.

            Steve gave him a look.  “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

            Peter shrugged as he stood up and handed Steve a rectangular package that was wrapped in brown paper, and string.  Steve gave him a look as he slowly undid the string and gently removed the paper. It was a sketchbook. It wasn’t just any sketchbook, it was beautiful and bound and the cover was leather.  He’d never seen a sketchbook so beautiful in his entire life.

            “I know you haven’t been eating much so I didn’t think a snack would be a good incentive for you for after, but I saw all your art and--” Peter began.

            “This is incredible,” Steve said honestly.  “Thank you, Peter. Really. This is one of the nicest gifts I’ve ever gotten.”

            Peter beamed at that and crossed his arms smugly.  “It’d be a shame for it to never get used. Just pointing that out.”

            Steve chuckled at that.  “It would be.” The kid was trying, maybe it would be easier for him if he believed that Steve had a sliver of hope and fight left in him.  He could give that kid some false hope, maybe it would help him with his next donor.

            Peter looked pleased with himself as he sat back down.  He really was going to make a great carer one day. Hopefully his next donor would be around longer.

            “Pass me a pencil?” Steve asked as he examined the beautiful sketch book.

            Peter handed him the one that he had used to fill out his paperwork.  Steve wasn’t sure how long he head, a lot of times there was hours of waiting before they would come take you up for donation.  He might as well get to use the sketchbook before he completed.

            Steve sketched for about two hours.  He wanted it to be perfect, it might be the last thing he ever drew after all.  He was interrupted by a nurse shuffling into the bedroom. Steve placed the sketchbook and pencil on the tray next to his bed.

            “You’ve got this,” Peter said with a smile.  “That sketchbook will be right here waiting for you.”  He paused. “I will too.”

            Steve smiled tightly at him.  “Thank you. I’ll see you on the other side.”  Whether that was post-donation or in completion was anyone’s guess.  

            The nurse took the breaks off his bed and rolled him out of the room.  Steve took a deep breath. This was it, he was ready. There was nothing else that he had left to fight for.  He wasn’t nervous, and he thought that he would be. He felt like he was at peace. Connie seemed at peace with completion, Steve didn’t understand it then, now it was different.  He understood now, what it was like to feel so empty that completion was desirable.

            The nurse set up his IV and Steve didn’t even flinch when the needle pierced his skin.  This must have been the pre-donation room. Steve glanced around it, it was smaller than he imagined.  The nurses weren’t talking to him, and he was glad. He didn’t have the patience to create small talk, he just wanted to get it all over with.

            After a few minutes the nurse rolled him back into the hall and Steve was sure she was bringing him to the donation room.  He was right. The room was big and cold. They moved him onto the surgical bed, and Steve felt warmth running through his IV.  His eyelids suddenly became very heavy. The anesthetic. Steve nodded to himself. This was it. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Complete.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge shout out to my AMAZING Beta [Anne](http://melsmalone.tumblr.com) and my incredible artist [ Ero](http://ero-haru-draws.tumblr.com)


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